Teach Me Anything [Billie Eilish AU]

seventeen

hey my loves... there's a trigger warning for this chapter, okay? it contains mentions of self harm, suicide, and suicidal thoughts, feel free to skip out if you need to. <3

—

omniscient

day 10 of not doing schoolwork.

day 9 of crying to sleep.

day 7 of not going to school.

day 6 of not showering.

day 5 of ignoring messages and calls from everyone.

day 4 of refusing to leave the bedroom.

day 3 of not eating.

day 2 of not being able to use the bathroom.

and day 1 of being clean of self harm.

billie was absolutely broken. the feeling of void and emptiness finally consumed her and she let it.

she didn't know how it started or why. all she knew was that it was here and would be for a while. her tear stained cheeks and blood stained wrists would only increase as the days went on.

no matter how many days passed, billie's parents never stopped checking in on her, specifically maggie.

every hour, day or night, she would softly knock on billie's door and open it just to peer in. not to see if billie was okay, she knew she wasn't okay, but to see if she was still breathing.

they all knew that nothing could be done by them to make billie feel better, only billie herself was in charge of that, or so they thought.

eventually, the dishes and bowls of food maggie placed in billie's room were untouched and maggie eventually cleaned them out while sneaking another quick glance at her daughter to see if she was still with her.

for maggie, just seeing the rise and fall of billie's chest was enough for her. at least she's not dead, she would tell patrick, who would only shake his head in disagreement.

she practically was, was his recurring thought. the last time something like this happened to his daughter was when she had just turned 9 and realized she was different from everyone else.

of course, something had to be done, but they just didn't know what.

"billie?" maggie, once again, knocked softly on the door and opened it to see the same sight she'd been seeing for almost two weeks now. "sweetheart, you haven't eaten your cereal, it's getting soggy."

billie said nothing and just glanced ahead while maggie ignored the bowl and softly sat by billie's feet. "would you like another bowl?"

"...not hungry." billie whispered.

"billie, please? would you eat at least a little, for me?" she pleaded with her only to get the same response. "...not hungry."

"okay," maggie nodded and reached up to softly place a kiss on billie's cheek. "i love you."

she sat up and left the room, closing the door behind her leaving billie alone in her thoughts yet again. wanting space at the same time while yearning for more of her mother's love was conflicting for billie.

but this is what happens when you're dealing with depression.

it squeezes you up and doesn't, refuses, to let go of you. and eventually, you accept that it's never going anywhere and you squeeze it right back. the two of you consuming one another in a forever embrace and feeling content with it.

with depression in her life, she didn't need to be saved. no one could save her, not a pill, not a hug, a sorry.

she'd let it grab her hand and drag her to the highest depths of any building and selfishly let her stare down at what she'd be leaving.