One Day At A Time

Chapter Thirty-Four: As The Night Goes On

An hour past midnight, Ava and Lilly and holding each other close, catching their breaths again.

They have to be quieter now, since Lilly's parents got home a little while ago.

Her parents must've had one hell of a date night to stay out as late as they did.

But even with it being so late, Ava and Lilly aren't tired at all.
In fact, both of them are wide awake on top of Lilly's dark purple comforter.

In the haziness of nighttime, a question pops into Ava's head when she glances over at the pride flag on the wall across from the bed.

"I don't know if this is a... weird question, but when- how did, uh, how did you know you were gay?"

The question catches Lilly off guard, so off guard that her immediate reaction is to laugh faintly.

"Why're you laughing?" Ava asks her.
"I'm not laughing at you, it's kinda funny that you're asking that after we just made out."

Well, they're calling a spade a spade now.
Lucas has his jokes about them making out all the time and now Ava can tell him that he's right.

She won't, though.
They get to have their private moments.

When Lilly's laughter dies down, she thinks back to her freshman year of high school when she came out to the friend group and, later on, her parents, at the ripe age of thirteen.

She backtracks a little bit in her mind, further from coming out.

"Do you remember our first trip to the Renaissance Fair at all?" She asks.
"Yeah, I remember it. It was one of the best days ever." Ava says, smiling at the memory of the fair that comes into the front of her head.

Lilly exhales deeply.
"That was the day where my feelings for you started. Holding your hand... it made me go insane."

She's never told Ava any of this.
In all honesty, it feels good to tell her, even if it's not a big weight in her mind like it was a couple months ago.

"Insane? Really?"
"Not literally insane, but it felt like that. I couldn't sleep at all that night."

Ava's thumb makes its way over Lilly's knuckles again.
"I'm sorry for, for... making you lose sleep, Lilly."

And Lilly laughs again, but it's different, it's softer.
It's a soft chuckle that comes out with a soft smile.

"You don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I just... latched onto you, my heart latched onto you, I guess."

Ava vaguely visualizes a cartoonish heart sticking to her back, literally latching onto her.

"You were my first real crush, Ava. I mean, sure, I 'liked' other people, but you were... different. Probably because I knew you super well before the feelings started."
"That makes sense. I've always been told to, 'marry your best friend', someone who's close to you."

The idea of marrying Ava is a thought to think while she's drifting off to sleep.
Lilly puts it aside for now.

"But," She continues, "I knew I was a lesbian when I didn't have any crushes on guys, and, to be honest with you, it worried me that I would have to marry a man to be happy in life. It really freaked me out."

Lilly looks freaked out now, with her eyes a bit wide and open.

Ava takes it all in for a while, saying,
"I wanted to ask you that, be-because I don't know what I am."

She has barely thought about it, but the ideas of labels creeps into her mind sometimes now and then.

"I, I don't know if I'm a lesbian or if I'm bi or something else." She says.

Lilly doesn't look freaked out anymore, her mind has shifted.
"You don't have to have a specific label. It's okay. You can just feel how you feel and that's okay."

"Really?"
"Of course. I mean, some people like labels, but you don't need one."
Ava sits up again and Lilly sits right up with her.
"But what if I want one? I want a word for what I am."

Having a word will make things make more sense in Ava's mind, it'll paint a clear picture of how she feels in her head..

The loose feelings of love towards Lilly paint a picture, but it's a narrow picture.

"Then, I don't know. You don't have to stress yourself out. It's alright to figure this stuff out, Ava." Lilly's voice is soft and sincere.

She's been through this before, she understands that some people like having words for what they are.
Ava is one of those people and that's okay.

Ava smiles tiredly at her.
"Thank you. I love you." The last three words are spoken in a whisper, in case Lilly's parents are lurking around the corner.

No matter what volume they're spoken at, they are still big and beautiful words that Lilly will never, ever get bored of hearing.

"I love you, too." Lilly tells her. "When you find a word for yourself, you can tell me, but if you don't find a word, that's okay, too."

That sweet reassurance let's Ava sleep easy that night.

She sleeps easy with Lilly pressed against her.

They both sleep easy.