One Day At A Time

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Come What May

Soon enough, spring break ends and so does April.
It ends with a a few sunny days, a few rainy, stormy days, an aced learner's permit test with Rose's name on it, and a celebratory picnic at the park in their honor.

May starts with groans from Lucas about how Rose can't drive him places yet, but also his excitement over finishing up the set for the school's production of, "The Phantom Of The Opera".

It also starts with Ava's consistent research of every queer identity out there.
Research that quickly fills up the search history on her laptop at home.

But May starts out well for everyone.

As they ease into May, Lilly spends a lot of time with Ava, squished beside her on the bed with Ava's laptop in front of both of them.

Since that day in the park, the word, "queer" sits in the front of Ava's mind.
It's a word she thinks about a lot, the same way she thinks about the word, "love" a lot when she's around Lilly.

She's looked through every other identity she can find and used them with herself, saying the words, "bi" and "pan" and "gay" out loud to herself and to Lilly, just to see what they sound like.

But the word, "queer" is the only one that makes the most sense when she says it out loud.
It's the one word that sounds unexplainably right when she says it, when she calls herself it.

"It took you a few years to figure out that you were a lesbian." She sighs to Lilly one evening after school. "It shouldn't be this easy for me. I can't know it yet."
"I think you're being a little too literal, Ava. It took me years, but it doesn't take everyone years."
"But, but it takes a lot of people a long time." Ava sighs. "I feel bad that I just have a word."

Lilly looks at Ava and reaches down slightly to hold her hand.
"You don't really have a word yet. You won't let yourself have, 'queer' yet."
"I can't have it yet. What if I find another word?"
"Have you found another word yet?"

Ava shakes her head.
It's times like these where Ava's literal thinking gets in the way.

It worries Lilly, because Ava worries about it.
She worries about having to wait for the, "right time" to claim a label for herself.
She knows it's irrational and she hates it.

Ava hates all of her irrational thinking and her literal thinking.
She hates that it makes her worry, that it makes Lilly worry.

She swallows and exhales deeply, squeezing Lilly's hand.
"I haven't found another word yet." She looks back at Lilly. "So, you're sure that I can just... know what I am? Is it really okay that I know it without years of thinking about it?"

For a second, Lilly thinks about how she used to watch people's coming out videos online, how she would watch some of the same ones over and over again for years, just to hear the phrase, "I'm a lesbian" spoken by someone who was confident in their identity.

She sees Ava as confident in this sort of way, confident enough to hear a word, internalize it, and know what and who she is.

Ava doesn't need years of thinking and that's okay.

Lilly chuckles in spite of herself, remembering her younger self, hunched over her school-issued laptop late at night, with her eyes flickering up to her bedroom door incase her parents came around the corner and caught her, "in the act" of watching and learning about queer people.

It's a mental image, a memory, so sad that it's almost funny.
"Yes, it's okay. It's more than okay."

Ava squeezes her hand, asking a final question,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'm sure."

Ava feels herself relax.
She breathes easily now.

"Thank you, thank you for, um, helping me these, these last few weeks. I'm happy I can just... say it without feeling... I don't know. Weird, I guess?"
"You're welcome. I'm happy I could help you, I don't mind helping you at all."

Ava smiles at Lilly, a relived, calm smile.
"I love you." She tells her a second later.
"I love you, too."

Lilly let's go of her hand and hugs her from the side.
Ava feels the warmth of Lilly's arms around her and she feels even more at ease.

Ava turns her head and looks at Lilly for a brief second before she abruptly leans forward and kisses her.

The abruptness of it catches Lilly off guard, but she leans into it without a second thought.

And when they both lean back from each other, Ava smiles warmly at Lilly.

She's queer, it's a fact of her life.
She is happy and queer and giddily in love.

Giddily in love with the person who helped her figure it out.

She'll forever be grateful for the moment that she is in right now, being hugged by her girlfriend, her girlfriend who's also her best friend in the entire world.