Tatted

EMOTIONS SUCK

"That night still haunts me, no matter how many times I try to push it out of my mind; the thoughts, the touch, the feel, the smell, everything still is so alive and it's killing me inside."

*****

I wake up in Tyler's arms. The feeling of him holding me tight never failed to make me smile. 

My eyes blinked open, the sunlight entering through the window being too bright for my drowsy eyes.

The ache between my legs was the first thing to greet me this fine morning. Tyler managed to leave me feeling like a virgin who just got her first fuck. But the pain in the end is so worth the pleasure.

The deep breaths leaving Tyler's lips were calming to my ears. The soothing, constant sound almost influences me to fall back asleep. His chest was pressed against my back, allowing the warmth of his body to transfer to mine. His arm was securely wrapped around me.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't sleep. So I made my way back to Tyler's room and invited myself to his bed. It was so much better and I finally got to shut my eyes.

As I fell asleep in Tyler's arms last night my mind only found its way to Micheal. Which was strange because recently when Micheal was In front of me my mind went to Tyler.

I found myself drowning in a whirl of thoughts about me and Micheal's relationship. Feelings of guilt and anger and sadness clashing and mixing until I can't discern one emotion from another.

I've accepted the guilt; the regret. I've cheated on Micheal. It's already been done and I can't go back in time to change my decisions.

The toxic part of my brain has been restlessly convincing me that Micheal deserves this treatment. It chants like a mantra yet I can't seem to believe it.

Yes, Micheal has hurt me physically and mentally. He's made me cry and sob. He's made me overthink our relationship entirely. But I keep convincing myself that I'm being overdramatic.

I keep telling myself that Micheal has done nothing harsh, nothing close to what other people experience. I tell myself that there are people experiencing actual abusive relationships that have it harder than me.

Yet, I still feel anger. The part of me that believes Micheal is in the wrong, and has always been in the wrong, has made it clear that Micheal sucks. He fucking sucks. That part of me is so fucking angry because it realizes that Micheal doesn't deserve me. It realizes that I need to dump Micheal's ass.

That part of me wants me to chop Micheal's dick off and shove it down his throat, so deep he'll choke on it and I'll just leave him to die. He would fucking deserve that. I feel so immensely angry that In my place in our relationship I seem like I'm in the wrong. Because if I were to explain our situation to anybody, me cheating on Micheal would obviously sound wrong. A lot worse than what Micheal has done to me.

I feel so fucking angry that I had to go and cheat on Micheal during this situation. That if we were to get into an argument and he would blame it on me he would be right. Because I fucked up.

I fucked his friend and that only puts me wrong. It doesn't matter how much hurt and pain Micheal has brought me, everything would be on me because I had to be a whore and cheat on him.

And still, I can't stay angry because I feel so sad.

I feel so upset that Micheal is this way. That the Micheal I used to love and adore, the Micheal I used to cuddle with and kiss has turned out to be a monster.