Tatted

BURN US DOWN

"My eyes refuse to watch you leave, so tears will blur the memory."

*****

When I got back home I was drunk and exhausted. My head was dazed and writhed with thoughts. I hoped desperately that no one would be home when I arrived, and to my luck Tyler had already left.

Tyler had already left. He had left without a goodbye. On his far, far way to California. I would probably never see him again.

I'll never see him again, that's an upsetting thought that I don't want to think about right now, not when my only focus is getting to bed and not waking up until this miserable night is over.

I remove my shoes and struggle as I tug off my coat. I'm glad to be inside the warm house where the chilly winds won't pierce my skin.

I stumble on my own feet as I make my way to the stairs. I carefully climbed up the stairs with cautious steps. When I finally made my way up, my feet were exhausted.

The guest room faces me, the door wide open. I don't want to go inside but my drunken brain screams at me to.

I peer into the room from outside. The bed is made, the closet is cleaned out, the desktop is cleared. It looks clean. Too clean. I don't like it.

I'm reminded of the many times where this room made my safe space. When I would crawl to Tyler in difficult situations.

"Tyler?" I whispered.

"Yes, Gorgeous?"

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I asked.

"Of course you can." His sweet words and his calming voice made my eyes refill with tears. He's been nothing but sweet to me

"Shhh," he whispered into my ear as he pulled me down onto the bed with him.

His arm still wrapped around me as we lay, my eyes too scared to close after what happened, but with Tyler's other hand running through my hair, It felt much easier to close them.

All of the times I cried in his arms. Where he held me so tightly, unable to let me go.

I sobbed in Tyler's arms, the unstoppable tears running down my face.

Tyler has been so kind to me. He has cared for me and accepted me. He has made me feel ways Micheal hasn't. He's made me feel understood in a place where no one understands.

I sit on the made bed. My hands feel the white sheets as I stare into the endless void of bright stars though the window.

I feel a lump form in my throat. I try to swallow it back, I don't want to cry right now. Not after I've cried all fucking day.

It felt as if the color had been plucked out of my life. Was I meant to traverse through darkness until the end?

I couldn't live like that again.

Not when I've put all my efforts into painting my life rainbow. I saved myself once. I can't get stuck in black-and-white again.

Yet, it seems so difficult when he left and took every color with him.

A sob chokes out of me and I start crying. Pure anger stabs through me when hot, wet tears start running down my face. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to save myself. I wanted to help myself.

Why am I allowing myself to get sucked back into darkness just because of some man? He left me, so what? I knew that whatever we had would only be temporary, considering that I had another man in my life before him.