One Day More - a Sartorias-deles fanfic

Chapter 35

Iris had never been so tired, not even when she was recovering from her parents' poisoning. That was a different type of exhaustion. Then, Iris had almost died. She had been surrounded by people who cared about her health and well-being, and who wanted her to improve. Though she struggled through those days, Iris would not exchange the time she had spent with Enda, Bren, and Alaraec. She had been happy.

This kind was heavy—a constant weight on her shoulders from hours of work each day. Work that kept her mind off her old friends. Off everything she left behind, at least until she finally collapsed in bed each night.

But it did not keep the voices away—the ones reminding her of her guilt. The ones that taunted her with the same words Mecco had told her in the prison cells.

Liar.

Deceiver.

Murderer.

They haunted her dreams, causing her sleep to be fitful at best. As she studied more languages on Setazhia—many students used different languages—those words repeated themselves in all of them. They were scribbled across the darkness of her mind, flashing brightly to the point she would jolt awake, sweating and shivering.

Liar.

Deceiver.

Murderer.

It started affecting her work with Donric. She wrote him illegible notes, which she had to redo on more than once occasion. She brought him the wrong book, or she would drop one when he raised his voice to get her attention. He frowned when that happened, obviously concerned about her reaction. The tone reminded her too much of Cetus, though Iris did not explain anything to the librarian. He did not ask, for which Iris was thankful. She did not want to recount that to anyone else. When she made a foolish mistake, though, Donric sent her off to find the Keeper.

"She'll help you find one of the medicinal books on the shelves," Donric said. She did not know how he knew of her ailment, but Iris could probably guess. He noticed things, and Iris's errors hadn't exactly been indiscreet. "One of them should have something to help you sleep."

The Keeper led her to a section devoted to health and sciences and left Iris to her own researching. Book after book, Iris opened, skimmed, then closed and replaced on a shelf. She wanted a natural remedy, but most spoke of magical ones. She was no mage, and Iris had little interest in becoming one. Regardless, all warned of dependency. That taking the concoction repeatedly could lead to her requiring the substance to achieve rest of any sort. Iris did not want that. She wanted release. Forgiveness. Not from Raec, but from herself, and she did not know if she could ever achieve that. She had deceived those who were closest to her heart.

Whom, if she were honest with herself, she might have loved. Probably loved. Enda was the sister she never knew she wanted. Bren, a brother to whom she could turn for advice in all circumstances. And Alaraec...Alaraec had become her refuge. Her lifeline. He offered her laughter, compassion, and a break from reality. He had accepted her. He supported her, incorporated her into his life like she belonged there. Like she had always been there, and that she should stay there. She was never an afterthought. Never a burden. He made Iris feel like a chosen jewel.

But she had thought her parents loved each other and loved her. Was that what love was supposed to look like? She did not want that. How Raec treated her was so different. None of this matters anymore, Iris thought. Alaraec was out of her life. For good. She needed to let him go.

Iris tucked a book onto the shelf and pulled out another, but that one failed her, too. Frustrated, she eventually asked for the Keeper's assistance. "Why does everything here revolve around magic?"