Pride and Hate with Benefits [COMPLETED]

Chapter 34 - The letter

Ellie

I wake up early. My eyes sting and my face is puffy. Charlie found me after D left and was so worried I had to tell her something. So I told her that D was the man I had the relationship with. She didn't ask much, she just held me and let me cry. When I told her I don't want to see D again, she said she would take care of it.

Then she stayed with me until I fell asleep.

I look at the time. It's not even six. My head pounds and I'm still tired. I kept waking up, remembering it all over again. How he said he loved me while tearing my life apart.

I try to get back to sleep, but there's no use. He's burrowed into my mind and every time I close my eyes, I remember something different. My bed even smells like him.

Not only did he judge Jenna without knowing her, he talked as if he was better than me and I should be grateful he wanted something more. After he really tried not to love me, of course. Because loving me must be so demeaning, he never could have imagined.

I can't stand his smell anymore. I throw off the blanket and hurry into the bathroom, grateful I don't have to share it with anyone.

I cry in the shower. How do I move on from this? Do I tell Jenna? Do I reveal that it wasn't Julian's idea? Will that make it better or worse?

I stand under the streaming water until it turns cold. Then I wrap myself in a towel and go to get dressed.

There's a letter by my door.

I stand in the door to the bathroom and stare at it. It's a white envelope with my name on it. It might as well be a deadly snake ready to pounce.

I step as far away from it as I can as I find something to wear. But I keep an eye on it. In case it decides to attack me out of nowhere.

When I'm dressed, I sit on the bed and stare at it for a while. I know who it's from. But what I don't know is what he wants. What could he possibly find so important that he would write me an actual letter about it?

I know I have to read it. I contemplate lighting it on fire and letting that be the end of it all. But I don't want it to end. As much as it hurts. I don't want to have it all disappear.

My hands shake as I pick it up. It won't change anything. No matter what he's written, it won't change what he did or how I feel. It can't.

But I still want to know. So I pull out the handwritten pages. His handwriting is neat and careful. I see places where he's scribbled over a word or a letter and then continued. With a deep breath, I read.

Ellie,

I fucked up. I don't know what to tell you. But please let me explain. I'll respect your wishes and stay out of your way. As you're reading this, I will have already left. I hope one day you can forgive me, but at the very least, I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you.

At Jenna's birthday party, I thought it was strange that Lydia mentioned her wanting to marry rich. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was a poor attempt at a joke.

At the hockey game, I ended up in line after Lydia. She didn't notice me. Again she talked to her friend about Jenna marrying rich. They made jokes about how they should do the same. But to be fair, I don't think Lydia said any such thing.

After having heard this twice, I started keeping an eye on Jenna and her interactions with Julian. And what I saw convinced me she didn't have any genuine feelings for him.