They don't know (I've waited all my life)

chapter 5

It was the middle of the night and Maya couldn't fall asleep. It was the first night away from her wife since she had moved back to Seattle. She had obviously been on countless shifts before falling asleep without much problem but there was something about falling asleep in this particular station that seemed impossible.

Maya knew what it was, she didn't feel safe or comfortable like she felt in Carina's arms or like she had felt here before everything had happened. She knew her wife was in the middle of her own shift so she tried calling Carina but didn't get an answer thinking that Carina was probably busy and in the middle of surgery.

She had to get some of this built-up energy out so she would be tired enough to fall asleep and so she did the only thing she could think of at that moment, she changed into her workout and decided to visit the station gym.

She'd only been in there running for about 20 minutes before she heard voices behind her, she recognized them as Andy and Sullivan and they were obviously fighting in whispered voices as Sullivan was angrily walking towards the gym, Andy trailing behind him.

Right as he had entered the room he had seen Maya and stopped in his tracks, "Chief" he took a pause before adding "Sorry I didn't know you were here".

"It's okay" Maya said, turning off the machine and stepping down "I was just leaving".

Sullivan just nodded and stood there, his posture tense like he was a deer caught in the headlights.

Maya had left him and Andy standing there alone in the room but instead of going back into the office her steps had somehow led her down the stairs and into the barn. She stood in front of the engine slowly running her hands through the polished sides hoping that it brought her some comfort and in the spur of the moment she quickly decided to climb up the back and onto the top.

She laid atop the hoses and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding finally feeling safety and security. She remembered a time when she had laid here with 19 around her comforting one of their own. The thought had done nothing but bring tears to her eyes and suddenly this was the last place she wanted to be.

The Battalion Chief quickly wiped her tears with the back of her hand and was about to get down when she heard footsteps close to her and then saw someone climb up and lay down next to her. Andy looked her way, her defenses clearly down for the first time since Maya had seen her.

"We got divorced" were the first words out of her mouth "I didn't know if you knew that because when you left we had been married and happy. I don't know what happened but somewhere along the way we drifted apart"

Maya didn't know what to say because she really didn't know about Andy's divorce. When she decided to run away from Seattle she'd also decided to cut ties with her former best friend completely

"You were the first person I wanted to tell when it happened" This time her voice was low almost like it was a secret she didn't want to get out. "You were the first person I wanted to tell and you weren't here because I pushed you away"

"I don't really know what you want me to say Andy" This whole conversation with the woman was nothing short of a fever dream.

"You don't need to say anything I just wanted to tell you that after you left I'd thought about it a lot. What I'd done, what I'd made the team do"

"You thought about it? You thought about how you had ruined my life AFTER you had already done it?" Maya said suddenly furious "Listen if this is your way of apologizing you can keep it. I don't need all of your tears right now, I came here to do a job and it would be fucking great if you just let me do it".