the river | e. roundtree

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MOURNING WHAT NEVER WAS
—

The tour was going smoothly. Eddie and Kathryn had somehow managed to avoid any conversation with each other for a little over a month. Kathryn felt like nothing could go wrong, until everything went wrong.

She had missed her period, she was vomiting of a morning. Kathryn didn't think she was pregnant, she had always been so careful, so when she was staring down at the positive marking on the test, she couldn't believe it.

It was the third test she had taken. All of them had read positive. Kathryn felt her heart sink into her stomach, tears streaming down her cheeks. How could she have been so stupid?

The first thing she did after she wiped her tears was call Tom and tell him the news. By now Kathryn hadn't seen Tom for 3 months. He had been auditioning for gig after gig, and they had been speaking over the phone.

"Are you serious? Or is this a joke?" Tom asked into the phone, pacing back and forth around his kitchen.

Kathryn sniffed into the line, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. "It's not a joke Tom, i'm pregnant," she said, playing with the cord of the phone.

"I'll be right there," Tom said.

Tom got on the next flight to Kathryn. She didn't drink that night, didn't do any drugs, she performed as good as always. Her hands were shaking, anticipating Tom's arrival any second now.

When her motel door was opened, Kathryn immediately burst into tears and she didn't know if it was because she was pregnant or because she was terrified of what Tom would do to her.

Tom held Kathryn in his arms, pressing kisses against her forehead. "Everything will be okay," he assured her. "I'll sort this out, I promise."

Kathryn didn't sleep that night, she lied awake all night while Tom snored right beside her, wondering what he meant by "I'll sort this out."

Kathryn had never pictured a life with kids. She had never really thought about having kids at all, but now as she laid here, a child growing inside of her belly, she couldn't help but let her mind wonder. Kathryn pictured being a mom, raising a baby. She pictured raising a baby while on tour, Tom helping her out, not that he would ever do that for her.

Tom. Kathryn remembered Tom. She thought about walking down the isle to him, spending the rest of her life tied to a man she was afraid of. Kathryn couldn't bring a baby into this world with a man like Tom. Kathryn couldn't let her child have such a horrific father, not when her own father was so full of love.

At some point Kathryn fell asleep, she woke up the next morning, tears crusted against her cheeks. Tom was already up, fully dressed for the day, he was stroking her hair.

"Good morning, sunshine," Tom smiled from ear to ear. "Get up, we have a big day ahead," he said to her, standing up and pulling open the curtain.

Kathryn got up, it was 8am. She hadn't woken up this early since she was back home in LA. Kathryn got dressed and brushed her teeth while Tom called a taxi to pick them up.

Kathryn had no clue where she was going or what Tom's plan was. He held her hand in the cab and helped her get out, he was being such a gentleman, Kathryn almost let herself forget about how terrible he had treated her in the past.

Kathryn stared up at the clinic in front of her. Tears brimming her eyes. Her choice had been taken away from her completely. Tom hadn't once asked if she wanted to keep the baby or not, she simply just didn't get too.

"This is for the best, you know that, right?" Tom asked, an arm wrapped around her shoulder as they walked towards the clinic. "Right?" He repeated, shaking her slightly.

Kathryn nodded, "yes."

Tom kissed her cheek, holding the door open for her. Kathryn filled out a few forms and they sat down, joining the queue up of women all waiting for the same thing.

As Kathryn sat quietly in the clinic, her hands resting on her stomach she realised something. This baby wasn't Tom's. Kathryn hadn't had sex with Tom in over 3 months, she'd be much farther along if this baby was Tom's. She would have figured out she was pregnant much sooner. Kathryn had never had unprotected sex with Tom either, but she had with Eddie.

This baby was Eddie's. Kathryn suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. What if Eddie wanted this baby? The more Kathryn thought about having a child that was half her, half Eddie the more she wanted to keep it.

But then Kathryn imagined the things Tom would do to her if she spoke up. The things he would do to Eddie if he found out that she had cheated on him. So Kathryn stayed silent, waiting for her name to be called and once it was, she held her breath.

Kathryn barely listened to the doctor as he spoke. The pain was there and then it was gone. Kathryn walked into that clinic pregnant and she left feeling empty.

Tom spent a week with The Six. Everyone was more on edge when he was around and when he finally left, Kathryn remained the same. Quiet, heartbroken. She was reminded once again what she had to come home to once the tour was over.

"Why was he even here?" Karen asked one morning, the both of them having a coffee at a nearby cafe.

"You can't tell anyone," Kathryn said. "I found out I was pregnant... Tom took care of it."

"What do you mean he took care of it?" Karen asked, her eyebrows knitted together.

"He took me to a clinic. I had an abortion," Kathryn said, sipping on her coffee. The hot liquid burning the tip of her tongue.

Karen blinked at Kathryn, staring at her while Kathryn stared off into the distance, watching people as they walked by.

"Is that what you wanted?" Karen asked.

Kathryn looked over at the blonde girl, shrugging her shoulders. "It's done now," Kathryn smiled sadly.

—
Interviewer: Is it what you wanted?

Kathryn Summers: At first yes, but once I realised the baby wasn't Tom's, I changed my mind.

Interviewer: How did that make you feel?

Kathryn Summers: Horrible. Tom never even gave me a choice, he didn't ask for my opinion. He took my choice away.
When it was over my heart ached. I felt...
I felt empty. I felt like I had been robbed.

Interviewer: Did you ever tell Eddie?

Kathryn Summers: Eventually I did, but it took me a while to even be able to speak about it.