Love Expectations (Season 1 of Nata and Phillip's Romance) ✔️

24. 'Let's begin'

Nata

This is by far the largest audience I've ever faced. I shuffle through the index cards in my hands and wipe my sweaty palms to make sure the remote for the projector won't slide out. The fears of people mocking the way I speak I had through school are no longer fueling my anxiety. Half-a-decade with Toastmasters International gave me the chops to construct a speech and deliver a well-structured and entertaining enough presentation. My amygdala's new favorite way to torture me is the notion my peers in the scientific community will cancel me for pretending I'm knowledgeable or experienced enough to lead a lab.

With my mind spinning like a mouse chasing its tail, I stride to the podium and set my cards on the wooden surface. Hundreds of heads lift to watch me. It's time. I know the data and the format. I'm prepared. I've read and re-read the results to Kate multiple times a day this week, tweaked the words and the speed of my speech. If anyone asks me side questions, I can talk about my subject for a couple of weeks straight before I run out of topics to discuss. I'm as ready as I can be. Why are my lungs struggling to draw air? Why is my stomach behaving like I just got off a roller-coaster and need to find the nearest bush? I grind my teeth but set a smile on my lips.

Latecomers trickle into the chairs in the back and side seats. I scan the audience, searching for familiar and friendly faces I can ground myself in. If I look carefully, I'd recognize more than half. The conference circuit is small, the smaller the research area, and nanodelivery has been a growing pond, but no new face comes unnoticed. Usually Samson is that face for me, and I see him in the second row, but now he's my red zone, the place I can not and will not look at. Kate is doing her presentation at the same time, so she's out. The timer moves from 15 to 14:59:59.

"Thank you for coming to hear me speak about utilization of click chemistry to study the interplay of linker chemistry and polyethylene glycol molecular weight of gambogic acid nanoparticles. I'm Natalia Boyko. I'm representing my lab at MB Tech that focuses on delivering the drugs to the target site so we can increase the efficacy and reduce the side effects."

The rustling settles to a level that I don't have to shout over. I launch into the overview of my presentation and what I've been working on. The conference autopilot mode is on. The words I've repeated variations of enough times that I don't have to think about them roll off my tongue. Phillip enters when I flip to the second slide. The agreement was that he'll stay at the hotel to meet me after my day is over, but I didn't expect him to actually attend the conference. I never told him when I'll be presenting, not that it's hard to figure that about via a simple Internet search.

I split the fifteen minutes of my presentation into three parts, with the first five where I try to cram everything about the last four years of research: the failures and the accomplishments. Five minutes of the update I'm here to present. The last five, I answer the questions.

The time flashes to six zeroes. My time's up. I answer a couple more questions and conclude my presentation, not wanting to bleed into the time of whomever comes after me.

The nausea returns with a side of anxiety when my gaze lands on Phillip again, and he smiles at me. I'm no longer thinking of my presentation. The images in my head are of what we are supposed to do tonight. Something I'm much less confident in. The heat settles in the middle of my body, and the contents of my stomach are brewing like some witch's potion. I wish I knew the outcome of whatever is happening. I look above everyone's heads, because to the left is Phillip with his smile that clears my head of all scientific thought, and to the right is Samson whose forlorn glares excavate the guilt I thought I successfully buried.

I thank everyone and take the side stairs. Instead of finding a seat, I gun for the exit. Running would be perfect right now, because my body wants to leave the room and propel myself as far away as it can, but I'm wearing my kitten heels and slacks, and I still plan to attend the last session of the day. I can't be sweaty and red in the face.