Love Expectations (Season 1 of Nata and Phillip's Romance) ✔️

28. 'I'll sound like a bigger dick than I am'

Nata

Nothing is the way I imagined it to be when I signed the damn contract. The point is not to want, yet it's the only thing I seem to be capable of. I want him to touch me. I want to rest my head on his chest and relax, let go of the restraints. I want him, but that's not what's expected of me. The desire to curl into him is so strong. The best solution would be to leave the room like I did last time, but I said I wouldn't. I fortify myself against the gravitation pull of his body.

"Don't make this a joke when I'm serious," says Phillip.

"Then stop trying to make this fun." I wish I could tell him the way he affects me, but too much is on the line. He specifically wanted this not to be a romantic relationship. I can't miss this chance because my body finds his body attractive. I cross my ankles and glimpse him in the closet's mirror. "This is not what we agreed to. I need you to follow the rules. Or do we seriously need to write the details of our sex into the contract as well?"

"If we were writing it in, what would your rules be?" He rolls on his side and the inches he cut between us bring the heat of his skin closer.

This is ridiculous. I love chemistry but not this kind. I take shallower breaths. "No kissing. No fondling of any kind. You come as quickly as possible. No talking, preferably. You don't even need to undress above the waist." I rattle the checklist I've been creating in my head.

"Huh?"

I pull the sheet up to my chin, as if that'll save me from him. "You have objections?"

"Just feels like you are trying to prove something."

"I'm trying to prove that we are not having fun." And creating a thin layer of protection during the days we have to be this close.

"You keep saying this." He sits up and half turns my way eating up the remaining space, so his knee touches mine. "Why are you so opposed to fun?"

"Because fun has never gotten me any results." I take one of his pillows and cover his crotch. I have seen what he has to offer in that area but doesn't mean he can just...flop around. Although there's surprisingly little flopping going on. I sigh. "Fun is overrated. We have a goal: get pregnant. Let's focus on that. Once we are there, you can go and have all the fun with other people."

"Were you like this as a child? Fun-less?" His words open the door to too many memories I've resolved not to revisit.

"I was plenty fun." Looking at the side of his body and head in the mirror is easier. The doubling of the distance makes the intimacy of our situation less potent. "It's just that our definitions of fun differ."

Phillip runs his eyebrows with his fingers. "Any what is your definition of fun? Walking on coals? Cramming for exams?" he says, frustration lacing his words.

"Learning. Reading. Being productive." I say defensively to the mirror Phillip instead of moving to face him.

"That's work." He waves his hands above his head. "That's not fun."

"Work is fun. You're just not—" I sit up against the headboard reclaiming the distance between us.

"Not smart enough?" He finishes for me. His spine stiffens.

"You're plenty smart." I shake my head. He can't possibly believe that running the sales for his giant company requires less smarts. Different smarts. Different qualities, but it's like comparing apples to oranges. "I told you that years ago."

"Right. We just have different definitions of fun."

"Exactly. You're just not like me. We have nothing in common. Let's keep it this way. We are not dating. We don't need to change each other. We don't need to enjoy each other's hobbies." All the things I shared with Samson. Where did that get me? I rise and wrap the sheet around my torso, covering my bras and my bare bottom. "I want our sex to be productive."