Intro:
This feedback is for the book MOTR by MischievousEvilWaFvL. This chapter will be dedicated to the author. Mercenaries on the Run, or MOTR, is a TF2 x TMNT fanfiction that has fun and lovable characters. It is a wild journey to embark on. It is a mature story with content that reflects that, suitable for an 18+ audience.
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Short Review (2-5 Sentences):
MOTR does plenty of things right; for example, the characters are portrayed extremely well and this story feels like a proper representation of the fandoms presented. Along with that, the chapters are a perfect length that allows for solid pacing. The reader is transported into the world through colorful dialogue, powerful worldbuilding, and engaging settings. The suggestions I have for you are as follows: watch tense (your story is in present tense, every verb/dialogue tag/etc. needs to be in present tense, not past), watch word choice (you use "walk" like 5+ times in the first chapter alone, and look out for other repetitive words), and separate dialogue to be in their own paragraphs (you do it occasionally, but most of the story has the dialogue clumped together in one paragraph).
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Side Note:
This is a small thing, but when you're extensively using foreign languages in your work, you need to translate it for the audience. I speak Korean and often use the language in my works, but I know I have to translate it since readers don't want to have to copy paste dialogue into Google Translate. It's an unnecessary task that causes readers to lose their places and breaks their immersion in the story. Not to mention with many Asian languages (ESPECIALLY Japanese and Korean), most translators are almost always incorrect because of the different speech styles, ways to say certain words, tones, etc. Google Translate is almost completely ineffective for Korean, and I have a Japanese friend who says it's the same for Japanese. And all of that is assuming Wattpad even allows copy and paste, which I don't think it does. That means there's no way your readers know what the characters are saying when they speak foreign languages. It's okay for small interactions like with Medic, but extensive foreign languages need to be translated.
I notice you did use translations later in the book, but the translation should be next to the foreign dialogue, not at the end of the chapter, otherwise the translation is still confusing.
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Summary:
- Accurate portrayal of the characters
- Excellent job of transporting the readers into the world
- Colorful dialogue that's very engaging
- Good job at establishing location
- Chapters are a good length, never going too long or too short
- Tense issues, stay in present tense unless referring to a past event in the story's timeline (or if you want to make the story past tense, make sure there are no instances of present tense)
- Watch word choice
- Dialogue breaks
- Translate foreign languages for the reader; as a reader it's extremely frustrating to have to copy and paste several lines of dialogue into an inaccurate translator
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Overall:
MOTR is a solid read with an interesting narrative. Once the grammar issues are resolved, MOTR will become a story that can sway thousands of hearts and provide a fun experience for all, even those outside the fandom. Raven recommends!
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Thank you for submitting your story. Since it was short feedback, I didn't go into detail about too much, but I hope it was useful anyway. If you have any questions, please let me know either in the comments or privately through messages.
More reviews coming soon! Leave a comment on the first chapter if you want your story reviewed!
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