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Empress of Self-Ruin - Detailed Feedback

Intro:

Empress of Self-Ruin was written by mikrokosmos96. This fantasy novel follows the empress, Calypso Berenice, as bizarre events begin occurring all around her. On the surface, this story appears like a classic fantasy novel, but as you dive in more, you discover who Park Hanbyeol is—she is Empress Calypso, only from another timeline.

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What Worked:

The thing that pops out most to me is the concept. Reading the blurb, I was intrigued by what the book was going to contain, and it wasn't what I was expecting. Considering the title and cover, I was expecting a completely different story with no interaction with the modern world whatsoever.

It's done in a way that's believable, and also in a way that still fits the fantasy genre despite it being different from the usual fantasy. It reminds me a bit of a kdrama I can't remember the name of for the life of me, but if I think of it, I'll add it in an inline comment. That's not to make comparisons, just to say it's cool how it's a new concept I haven't seen done often. I can only name one similarity after thinking for a while, so that goes to show that at least I haven't seen it much.

Maybe it's just because I live under a rock (which is totally possible), but I haven't seen many fantasy stories go too deeply into mental health and trauma. Most of the ones I've seen are more upbeat, and even when I watch/read a darker one, they don't go into the same topics you do.

So not only is the concept unique, but so is the emotional side of the narrative. The emotions are diverse and never feel like just one thing. That makes the novel feel more complex and layered than most, especially compared to those on Wattpad.

I have some criticisms for the first chapter, but I will say the beginning part of it is very gripping and engaging. Starting with such an intense scene immediately sets the reader in the mood and sets the tone of the story. It was a good hook that piqued my curiosity.

While on the topic, there are many intense scenes in this that focus on the tension between the characters. There are real consequences for actions and detail put into things like the injuries to make them feel more real.

Since there are consequences and you're not afraid to go all in, the story feels more intense as a result. The audience is more engaged thanks to this. We know you, the author, are willing to do what the story needs and not coddle the reader and what they may want. That means the story is risky and doesn't pull any punches for the sake of sparing our feelings. There are definitely many dark moments, but those dark moments are what make the novel memorable.

I also like the environments. The set pieces are pretty cool and they fit in with the fantasy world without feeling over-the-top. The action scenes are fast-paced but not too fast that we can't understand what's going on. Like I was saying before with intensity, the rising action of this novel has a lot of tense moments where we don't know what's going to happen, leading to us feeling like we're on the edges of our seats.

This is a small thing, so I saved it for last, but I like the title. I typically don't comment on things like titles and blurbs since I'm a reader who kinda just reads anything regardless of that stuff, but even for me, the title was nice. It has emotion in it while also giving the reader a clue of what the story is going to be about.

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What Didn't Work:

The first chapter is a lot. The first part of it is a good hook and very gripping, but the second part has sixteen paragraphs of exposition. For me, it felt lengthy and hard to keep up with. For different worlds like fantasies and sci fis especially, exposition dumping can be very detrimental to the story.

In the first chapter alone, there are countless names thrown at us. We have the protagonist, Lady Phoebe, Nathan, Eli, Landon, Mary, Elizabeth, Duke Aragon, and Emperor Arsenio.

That's nine characters in nine minutes of read time on top of a sixteen paragraph long exposition dump, and that's without mentioning any of the worldbuilding, plots, and places we were exposed to. When I break it down like that, does it make sense why it was confusing and hard to keep up with? I would recommend being more patient with the worldbuilding and exposition. Don't be afraid to spread it out more.

You're asking a lot of the audience in the first chapter. In fantasy, you can stretch how much exposition is used since there's so much that goes into worldbuilding, but when you're getting into the double digits when it comes to how many paragraphs are given to exposition and how many characters there are, it can get a little much even for fantasy.

Going more grammatically, there are some punctuation errors, mostly with semicolons. There are times semicolons are used as replacements for commas when that is not correct. Semicolons and commas are not interchangeable.

From chapter 1: "I took a deep breath and walked in with my chin held high; my steps slow and deliberate as I headed toward the smaller throne next to the emperor's."

The semicolon should be a comma. This doesn't happen all the time and there are plenty of correct usages of semicolons, but I thought I'd point it out anyway so it's something you're aware of in the future.

There were some awkward sentences and repetitive word choice. The earliest example of this is in chapter 2. The paragraph that starts with "The cell was a hollow cube..." It is a five-sentence long paragraph that uses "only" and "even" twice back-to-back. The first "only" and "even" feel a bit unnecessary. That may seem like a nitpick, and it is, but since those words are mostly used for emphasis, using them in the same paragraph, let alone twice each, can make them lose their effect.

Similarly, like I mentioned earlier, there are some awkward sentences. In that same chapter, there's this sentence, "I pushed the memories away, and the images of that disgusting face forcing itself closer." The word "forcing" should be "forced," and using the -ing makes the sentence feel awkward.

There are quite a few awkward sentences throughout, so I would recommend reading sentences out loud or plugging them into a TTS generator so you can hear how they sound. 

To make things easier on you, I'll try to keep the examples close together so you don't have to go scouring through your book to find them. Here's another example from chapter 2: "If I didn't slow my breathing, the nausea was strong enough to block my airways and burst me into tears."

I wouldn't say that sentence is wrong, but it feels awkward because the first part doesn't feel like it connects to the second part. You're using "If" as the sentence starter, so having "...the nausea was strong enough" instead of "...the nausea would be(come) strong enough" sounds a little unnatural. I believe be or become are more natural sounding alternatives that connect more to the "If" at the start of the sentence.

Last example: "No—rather, he was dissatisfied because I still managed to give him a death glare even at this point."

That sentence is very wordy and doesn't need the "rather" (it's already implied by the previous sentence that you're making a comparison, so the "rather" is redundant). It can also be trimmed by removing the "even at this point." Although, if you trim out the "rather," the "even at this point" can work a bit better.

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Summary:

- Cool concept

- Diverse range of emotions

- Intriguing opening scene

- Intense moments leading to more engagement with the story

- Nice set pieces/environments

- Be careful with how much exposition you use

- Some semicolon misuse

- Awkward/wordy sentences

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Overall:

Empress of Self-Ruin is an intriguing fantasy novel with a lot of moving parts and plot points going on. If you're someone who enjoys intense fantasy stories, then I recommend you check out this book.

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