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Unlawfully His - Detailed Feedback

Intro:

Unlawfully His was written by LouTaekoo. It is a BTS fanfic that follows Kim Taehyung as the protagonist. He is down on his luck and working at a bar to get by, but considering he has diabetes, his medical expenses keep adding up. Running out of options, Taehyung has to turn to a desperate last-ditch effort to save himself: marriage.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I wasn't allowed to read past chapter 15 for the Best of Me Awards, so I'd like to talk about the chapters shortly after that (chaps 18–20).

Major spoilers for anyone who wants to read the story.

Jimin's death took me so off guard and it genuinely broke my heart. I was looking for what chapter I left off on and clicked on chapter 20 to see if I had voted on it or not (turns out I left off on chapter 18), and the first line hit me like a truck.

In this type of story, I wasn't expecting character death, and it really took me off guard but in a good way. I audibly gasped and I had to frantically read chapters 18 and 19 to figure out what happened. 

I know in the introduction character death is tagged, but I read an unimaginable amount of stories for this shop and my contests/other contests, so I normally don't remember the warnings, but it actually worked in my favor since I wasn't expecting it whatsoever and it made me re-evaluate my life before I continued reading.

The whole reason I'm bringing up the emotions that came with Jimin's death is because everything I felt, the characters felt too. I wasn't expecting an arranged marriage story to tackle such heavy themes, and it pleasantly surprised me.

The weight of Jimin's death feels real. It isn't glossed over or treated like a three-chapter event. No, it sticks with the characters and it's handled in a mature, realistic, and even gritty way. It also adds tension because now we know the stakes: anyone can die at any time in the military. I know you already said you wouldn't kill off Taekook, but it still adds a layer of fear whenever Jungkook has to do anything for his job.

The plot is very unique and it adds a creative spin to the arranged marriage genre. I like how Taehyung's desperation is shown, and I like how it relates to the themes. Every part of the story feels realistic and detailed.

The characters are my favorite part of the story. I really really love Taehyung. I think he's written very well with realistic character traits. He has his highs and his lows, and when he loses Jimin, that's portrayed very well and it broke my heart. 

Although Jimin wasn't in the story for too long, his presence was very noticeable and fun. He was an integral part without feeling like he outshined our two leads.

Jungkook is good too. He bounces off of Taehyung well and I think they have a nice dynamic. All of the central characters are good.

Overall, I think the story does something different and takes a tired genre and makes it fresh again. My favorite parts were the plot and the characters, and also your realistic take on mature themes.

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What Didn't Work:

There are some grammar errors, mostly with tense, punctuation, and dialogue. There are occasional tense issues where you flip flop between past and present tense incorrectly. The story is written in past tense, but it will sometimes slip into present. Such as, in the final chapter, "Something Jeongguk has missed dearly." The "has" should be "had."

Dialogue tags are done incorrectly. When using dialogue tags, make sure the dialogue ends with anything other than a period. For example, from chapter 22, "Huh... Oh. Hey Tae." Jeongguk replied.

It should be: "Huh... Oh. Hey Tae," Jeongguk replied.

Dialogue tags are continuations of the dialogue, which means the dialogue cannot end in a period and the tag must be lowercase unless it is a proper noun.

There are punctuation errors, mostly with commas. For example, from chapter 47, "But Taehyung I will say something else. If we are going to carry on then I think we need to start over."

It should be: "But Taehyung, I will say something else. If we are going to carry on, then I think we need to start over."

It can also be: "But, Taehyung, I will say something else. If we are going to carry on, then I think we need to start over."

While on the topic of that sentence, I would recommend being careful about how you word your sentences, especially in dialogue. For dialogue, this line feels a bit clunky/wordy. In my opinion, half of it can be removed or reworded to flow a bit smoother.

This is one alternative: "But, Taehyung, if we are going to carry on, I think we need to start over."

Another alternative: "Taehyung, I need to tell you something [else]. If we're going to carry on, [I think] we need to start over."

I put "else" and "I think" in [ ] because I believe they're optional.

The "I will say something else" feels a bit unnatural, and the "If we are going to carry on" feels wordy. 

Some of the descriptions get a bit repetitive at times, mostly with the "ravenette" and "brunette" and other hair terms. They're used multiple times per chapter and it gets a bit distracting at times.

I would suggest incorporating different terms instead of using hair color every chapter. I personally like using a feature or two of my characters to introduce them (for example, I always use Jimin's eyes), but even if it is their iconic thing that you use to identify them, be careful not to overuse it otherwise it can get repetitive. I hope that makes sense.

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Summary:

- A lot of interesting twists and turns in the story

- Takes the cliche arranged marriage plot and makes it feel fresh and engaging

- Awesome characters

- Mature themes

- Nice realism

- Grammar errors (tense, dialogue tags, punctuation)

- Some sentences are a bit wordy

- Consider using different descriptive terms instead of words like "ravenette" and "brunette"

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Overall:

Unlawfully His is a unique spin on the cliche arranged marriage plot. It takes elements you're familiar with and adds flavor to them to keep you engaged throughout the entire story. It is a longer story, but a fun read with some angsty moments that will make your eyes sweat. If you're a BTS fan looking for a longer read, then this book is for you.

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Thank you for submitting your story. You also have another detailed review coming soon in the Best of Me Awards that will talk more about the things I didn't mention, like the pacing and my personal enjoyment. I hope this review, and the one you will hopefully receive soon, are helpful!

Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews.