Why don't you try and leave me?

Kill Me Now

Kei's POV

I was left alone. For how long, I couldn't comprehend. I should have been able to know if I had kept count of how many times the maid rolled in my meal in a trolley.

But I was incapable of producing the simplest of thoughts. Just as his presence ignited a hurricane of human-alike emotions in me, his absence drained them and left behind a drought in its place. Now, a drought I can handle. A drought that had been my residence for years now.

As I pushed my days into oblivion, several realisations passed through me. I realised how repulsive my true nature was. How underneath it all, there was no me. Only him.  Even though I had desperately tried to mask it with layers and layers of self-delusion, it clung to me like fate that had been branded into my flesh since birth.

I had expected the gruesome memories to take over, making a hot raging mess out of me. Turn me into a mad woman, itching for revenge. But the blood coursing through my veins grew colder with every second of solitude. My chilling breath, rising and falling in a monotone that resembled his own.

The pain and horror that I experienced on that fateful day dulled when met with his overwhelming presence. Somehow everything could be forgiven if he was by my side. Or me by his.

Every bit of value I possessed was gifted to me by him and that fact was reestablished when my self-esteem crumbled like the walls of a shaky palace upon a touch of the earthquake, just upon our reunion.

My self worth was tied to his hands, to do with as he pleased. A reality I had been denying with every bit of my fiery spirit. But sometimes determination is not enough. Fake belief is not enough. Will power is not enough.

Not when you are overwhelmed with  something that went beyond reason. Beyond logic. Rationality didn't work in the realm of the heart. And my chains of control were no longer mine to hold. I wouldn't be able to hold them even if he forced them upon me. This was the real me. Me under those thousands of walls I had erected all these years with pride, under the illusion that I was truly free.

A melancholic laughter escaped me.

Maybe he already understood me back then. Peeked at the essence of me. Maybe he had already known that I could never let him go, at least not willingly. Maybe that's why he dared to do such a thing to me and then dash back to my side like he was a knight in the shining armour when he was the fucking villain in my story.

Or worse, he slowly crafted me, molding me in a million tiny ways I didn't recognise would compound to this gigantic dependence.

Tears inexplicably flooded down my cheeks which were as dried as the insides of my heart.

Disgust crawled through my skin as the desire to run back to him like an abandoned kitten sent my heart pounding. Repulsion was I can feel as I recognised that if he was before me this moment, I would submit to him in a heartbeat and beg him not to leave again. But I knew I would.

I would walk through mountains of hellfire, swim through oceans of ice, fly through centuries of rain just feel his gaze on me. Just for a scrap of his attention. Just for a single word of his. Just for a single touch.

My soul be damned. It was no longer mine to hold. Not since the day he decided to play my saviour. It might have been a game to him but for me, it was my singular act of being cherished.

His scar circling through my wrist was supposed to terrify me. Deter me from reaching out to him.

"Don't come after me. You mean nothing to me. Don't be a pathetic toy. Your use is complete now."

Fear cannot compete with desperation. The scar acted nothing more than a reminder. Reminder of the time she was truly happy. Reminder of the time she was voluntarily his.

Frustration shook me. His suffocating hold I cannot break even after traveling to hell and back was too much to bear. If this was the only way for me to exist, then I would kill myself.

Because I know. I know I am not even worth a penny to him. Not even a thought in the back of his mind. All I was a toy that was good to play with as long as it retained its lustre. Once worn out, all toys get thrown out. Maybe I will be too. It is better to be dumped among the shores of an isolated island than be in his grasp.

I will kill every trace of his.

I will kill every thought of his.

I will kill every desire of his.

I will die.

Let's see how long he can hold on to a dried out seashell before he throws it back in the ocean?

I was already ruined.

Now I will be destroyed.

Inch by inch.

Till there is nothing but dust and ashes.

**********
Author Notes:

Short chapter. Remember when I said Kei wouldn't be weak. This is sort of the beginning of it.

Fair warning. This story is going to be a complete mindfuck if it is not already. These are two very twisted individuals. Their ideas of love are not conventional.

If you don't like please feel free to leave. Because it is going to get manipulative as fuck.

You will get the flashback soon I guess. Within a few chapters.

Until then, see ya.

Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.