Love me, Luna

23

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! (If you struggle with reading self harm I will put a note at where you should pick back up.)
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I'm not proud of what I did next.

I found a lighter in the drawer and held it up to the disposable razor I had found in the bathroom cupboard. I let the lighter melt the plastic, and then carefully plucked the blade away from the rest of the plastic.

I pulled my shorts up to show the top part of my thigh. It was high enough that shorts would cover the old scars that marked my skin. The faint white lines held so much pain and memories. I brushed my finger over each one before slowly placing the blade on my skin.

I sucked in a breath and looked up at the wall in front of me. I welcomed the cool tiles on the back of my legs. I wondered if Alec could feel what I was feeling, wherever he may be. Was it only when he was close, or could he feel it anywhere? I reached out through the bond, but felt nothing.

I slowly moved the blade across my skin, sucking in a breath as the physical pain took over the pain I could never explain or place.

I always did it just once, just deep enough to feel something. I hid the blade in the back of the drawer and found a small tub of Vaseline. The bandaids I found had little stars on them. It made me think of the sky I was looking at earlier. I wished again that I could be up there, floating around, my only responsibility to the world to shine.

I set my head back on the wall and closed my eyes shut. I couldn't hold the tears back any longer, so I let them fall.

****(okay, self harm will now only be mentioned but there will not be in details of the action! She only BRIEFLY mentions her feelings about it. If you can't read that please protect your mental health and move to the next chapter! This will be the only scene, just for those who aren't comfortable reading this and so you don't miss anything)*****

I curled myself into a ball on the bathroom floor.  I was a speck of dust that would disappear, the world would swallow me whole and I would finally be at peace.

There was a part of myself deep deep down that wished Alec would show up and engulf me in a huge hug. It would protect me from any pain, and I would only feel the sparks that danced between our skin when we touched. He would whisper in my ear that everything would be alright and that my scars didn't define who I was. That I was okay. That I was normal for being in a dark place, but with him he'd show me the light. But those thoughts were only fairy tales. Made up stories, because even mates couldn't erase that pain. He claimed to feel my emotions, but couldn't sense I was lost and afraid.

A small part of me had hoped he would bust down the door and confess all of this to me. He would hold me and say he understood what I was going through. That my suppose mate, would help me and make everything better.

But Alec never showed.

I sat on the bathroom floor for what could have been hours, days, or minutes. In darkness there was no concept of time.

I woke up the next day with a pounding headache and an achey back. I rubbed the sleep from eyes as I noticed my surroundings. I was still on the floor, but no one had checked on me.

I moved to the bed and tugged the covers up to my chin, I closed my eyes and let sleep take over me again. I didn't bother to check the time, but didn't care enough to.

I knew I was depressed, I'd always felt the weight of it on my chest. I usually only got this bad when the seasons changed, when there were no longer long summers days, but ones full of cold wind nipping at any and all exposed skin.

Depression was something so weird for me, as I never knew how to explain it. Maybe that's what Tristan had meant. That I could never put into words how I felt, how depression seemed to be like a dark figure looming in the corner of my mind. He probably figured the one person that could understand was Alec, but it was a tough conversation to have with someone. It had taken me years to admit to Tristan I was depressed and had never before told anyone about how I felt about myself. My own mother, though she wouldn't have cared anyways, didn't even know.

Yet here I was, laying by myself again, with no one to understand or comfort me. I wasn't even sure what comfort I needed.

I hadn't ever told anyone about what I would occasionally do to my body. A small part of me figured that if I didn't speak about it out loud, I wouldn't have to face it. I wish I could tell someone, anyone, but I was a happy girl that smiled and enjoyed life.

It's hard to live laugh love in these situations though, and for someone who suffered from depression, it was moments like these that made it so easy to slip back into that head space.

A knock at the door pulls me away from my thoughts. I bury myself further under the covers and lay there waiting for the person to leave.

"I told you she hasn't been answering me! What the fuck did you do, Alec? She was literally doing so good until yesterday!" I notice Chloe's annoyed voice and silently pray she's talking on the phone.

"Just let me talk to her, Chloe." I hear the doorknob turn and then a slap.

"TALK to her? Yeah, no. I think you've done enough." Chloe snaps. "I'll go in there and try to do as much damage control as I can. I really really really hope you haven't fucked this up, Alec."

"No." Alec growls. "You will leave and not come back until I tell you." His voice was full of authority.

I hear Chloe gasp before walking away. The door opens, but I make no move to get out from my cave of covers. I feel a dip in the bed in front of me and the covers slowly lift. Alec's face comes into view as he joins me underneath the soft comforter. He takes in a sharp breath as he studies my face. I lay there, unmoving, my face stoic. Alec slowly brings a hand to cup my face, but I flinch away.

With a deep sigh he closes his eyes before opening them again. "I'm sorry, my Luna."

I don't respond, my eyes prick with tears. I blink fast to force them away, before clearing my throat.

"Please. Please say something. Anything." Alec begs, but I don't have the strength to say anything. Tristan had hurt me, but this pain was unbearable. It made no sense, to have so many emotions coursing through my damaged body toward a person I'd known for just a few months.

"Luna." Alec whispers.

"I can't." My throat closes with emotion and it takes everything in me to not breakdown.

"I...I'm sor."

"You're sorry, I get it." I whisper to him.

We sit there in silence, Alec scanning my face for any emotion and me keeping up my mask. I didn't want to tell him how badly his actions had affected me, because that would be admitting I cared and I wasn't ready for that. At least, I didn't think I was.

"I can't feel you. The bond is there, but you've had a wall up since last night and I can't feel you." Hurt flashes in his eyes, the audacity. "Please don't shut me out." He whispers the last part.

"Too late." I say back before turning away from him.

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Hey guys!!! It would mean so much if you liked the chapters :) I'm so happy I have a few people reading, joining this writing journey.

I hope you guys have the best dayyyyyyy

Much love,
-S