She's A Lady

17

Erin

My life had been hectic for so long– I think I forgot how to really relax. So much happened all at once. Like being buried under a mountain and suffocating. Then you start to get used to the air being so scarce and you forget what it is like to breathe. To take in a deep breath and feel calm. When you finally have the chance to do it again, it's like you have forgotten how. Your chest won't expand the way it used to unless you practise doing it again.

That is what I was doing. Talking to my counsellor about how I felt, even if I didn't feel like doing it, because another person's perspective really could help sometimes. The confirmation from an outside voice telling me that I was doing okay, that I was getting better, that I was still moving forward was what I needed. Even if I felt stupid or weak for doing it. I had to do what was necessary. I had to learn to breathe on my own again, sure, but it was okay to have help until I really felt I could do it on my own.

Some days I felt like I could, other days I felt like the sky was crashing down on top of my head and I was immobile. It was those days, the bad days, that Damien would hold me while I cried and tell me that I was stronger than I knew. He would tell me I was going to make it. That I had come so far, too far to turn back now. I would tell myself that he was right. I would wipe my eyes. I would get back up. I would take another step forward. I would tell myself that I had to move forward even if I crawled.

I needed a vacation. I needed to get away from all the work and reminders. I wanted to feel the sun on my face and smell the breeze off an ocean. I daydreamed about suntan lotion and sandy feet. I hadn't been away in so long. I had to wait until my vacation time was accumulated so I could take my week off. I counted the days. I enjoyed the heat of the city as best I could. I went swimming at Damien's gym with him and got myself a membership as well. I worked off all the slices of pie and brownie squares that we ate together over cold soda.

Then Damien dropped a bomb on me. I had been dating him for nearly a year, but apparently that was long enough for his folks. I had been invited to the family reunion, and threatened in the nicest way about not showing up. Damien told me I should just jump in the deep end with him and get it over with. So I agreed to go with him. I agreed to meet all his aunts, uncles, cousins, and his grandma. His grandpa had passed a couple of years ago, leaving his 90 something-year old grandma stubbornly clinging to her house full of memories.

I was told that most of the reunion would be the kids begging grandma to tell stories and the adults begging grandma to go into a care facility to be better taken care of. Which she wouldn't. From what I understood about all the people Damien was describing, and the stories he was telling about the family get-togethers over the years, his extended family was just like his immediate family. Only more of them. So, so many more of them. I tried to prepare myself for the day, but really how does anyone with a small, closed off family prepare to meet with such anarchy.

Now that we stood at the edge of the park grounds and looked out over the sheer masses of people, I felt my soul slink away in terror. I counted at least six picnic tables, eight blankets, and an entire parking lot of cars behind me. I was lightheaded from all the people I knew I was about to meet. Dozens of kids ran about in groups, one of which made a beeline for Damien and tackled him nearly to the ground. He laughed at their exuberant shouts.

I blocked out the sounds and looked over the many versions of the same noses, eyes and ears. The hesitant looks in my direction as Damien introduced me to the outer branches and the big smiles and hugs of those I had already met. I couldn't follow a conversation for the life of me. There were four going on in just the immediate vicinity, and they did not have anything to do with each other. I was listening to sports, kids' achievements, griping about how long it had been and a new puppy all at the same time. I think.