the derry girl || james maguire

twentyfive

Niamh's pov

"What are we gonna do?! What in under God are we gonna do?!" Clare panicked.

"It's fine." I say, trying to keep calm but obviously it wasn't working.

"It's definitely not fine! There's drug scones down there! If people eat the drug scones then we'll have drugged those people! and it'll be both your faults!"

"So? Drugging people isn't a crime." Michelle said.

"You've a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle." James commented.

"What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake?" Erin asked.

"Typical. I try and do a nice thing and this is the thanks I get." Michelle complained and Orla held her hand.

"It's terrible. There's old people down there. What if an old person takes one?"
Clare asked.

"Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people?! Old people are arseholes!" I said.

"We have to get them back." Erin said.

"Look, I'm not disagreeing with you.
We bought that stuff so we could get high, not your Great-Uncle Colm." Michelle said gesturing to myself and her.

"Christ, can you imagine?"

"Hold on a minute! Where did the scones go?" Orla asked.

"Okay, I'll head for the kitchen and grab whatever's still there. The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue.
And remember, be subtle." Erin said.

-

"I can't believe we're doing this. It's fucking heartbreaking." Michelle said.

I can't believe we're doing this full stop. Breaking up all the fucking scones and flushing them down the toilet. What has become of us.

"Look, Granda's had one and now he's acting really, really weird." Erin said.

"You're being paranoid, Erin." Michelle told her.

"He was nice to Daddy."

"Jesus!" I was shocked.

"Exactly. And if my ma starts asking questions.."

"Your ma won't trace it back to us." Michelle said.

"Are you for real? She traces everything back to us! She traces things we haven't even done back to us!" Erin yelled.

"Are you sure this'll work?" Clare asked.

I really wasn't sure.

"This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare.
I've seen Goodfellas, like, 20 times." James convinced us.

"It's not the only way. I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs and what she did was she shoved them right up her."

"I'm not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I'll tell you that for nothing." Michelle yelled.

"Okay, I'm gonna flush." Clare said.

"Go for it." I told her.

"Is it working?" Erin asked.

"Of course it's working." James smiled with pride.

"Is the water rising?!" Clare asked.

"Jesus Christ! Why's the water rising, James?" I ask him slapping his arm.

"I don't know! The water didn't rise in Goodfellas!"

"Fuck! We've clogged it." Michelle said.

"Who has a plunger?" Orla asked.

"I'm afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla." Erin tells her.

"Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is."

oh orla

Then the water levels come out over the toilet and onto the floor, the water was dirty and chunky and Michelle took the towel off the radiator and covered the lid of the toilet with it.

"I'm sure that's really helping Michelle!" I yell trying to pour the water down the bath.

Orla then got down on her knees and tried scooping the water with her hands. Clare stood and panicked and Erin kept trying to flush the toilet. James was mopping the endless amounts of water coming out the loo but it really wasn't helping.

"Holy fuck this is gonna leak though the floor." Michelle yelled.

"For fucks sake. We should have just let the pensioners eat them." I shouted back.

Then we heard the door opening and we all turned round attempting to shield the toilet from sight. It was Aunt Mary, Aunt Sarah and Eamonn.

"Dear God." Mary said, looking at the flood of water that surrounded us.

"It looks worse than it is." Erin smiled.

"My mother was right about you people! Wild animals would have more manners!" Eamonn said.

"We didn't have a plunger, Eamonn." Orla told him.

"Get out! Get out, now!" Eamonn yelled at us all.

see, what did I say about getting kicked out of everywhere.

-

"Not a bad sendoff in the end, I thought." Grandpa Joe said.

"I'm still devastated about Mammy's earrings, Mary. We were so close." Aunt Sarah shook her head.

"Well, they're six feet under now, so unless we dig Bridie up again.."

"Maybe that's not such a bad idea."

"It is a bad idea, Sarah. It's a very bad idea. I just want to forget the whole thing."

"How's your scoots now, Erin, love?" Aunt Sarah asked her.

oh aye, that was out coverup story, Erin has a little problem with her... business, and that's what made the mess.

"Aye, they're clearing up, I think."

"God, it's my worst nightmare, getting caught out in someone else's house like that." Sarah said.

"I still don't understand why you had to bring all of your friends in there with you." Gerry asked her.

"I panicked, Daddy."

"Can we please stop talking about Erin's scoots? We're about to have our tea."

"Oh, I meant to say. I had one of these scones at the wake and, honest to God, I've never tasted anything like it. So, I bagged us up a couple." Grandpa Joe said, putting the drugged scones on the table.

"Lovely!"

"Happy days." Orla smiles.

"Don't mind if I do."

"Pass us one, there, would you, Erin?"

well, thank fuck I was finally getting one. I'd better keep one for Michelle. It was our money after all.

************************************

I really don't know how that exam went, hopefully better than I'm thinking, but anyway enjoy this short one.

(938 words)