Man Of Few Words

Chapter 21

Seriously though, suicide has been playing on my mind for weeks. I haven't, at any point, decided to actually do it. But I have done plenty of preparation and research, should I decide to go through with it at some point. Which is to say that I have Googled the subject extensively.

I'm not sure what disturbed me more – the sites that seemed like genuine "How to..." guides to knocking oneself off, or the far more numerous articles that essentially listed suicide methods for the sake of a bit of lighthearted entertainment. The latter type certainly tended to be far more detailed.

I discovered that statistically the biggest danger when attempting suicide is failure. An enormous number of suicide attempts fail, granting not the desired release from a life of suffering and pain, but instead resulting in the discovery of numerous all-new ways to experience suffering and pain. I suppose it's not something you can practice.

If I do it, then I certainly don't want it to fail, obviously. I also don't want it to be messy, but I do want it to be quick and efficient and, y'know, unfussy. The whole point should be that it's a simpler solution than waiting for cancer to do the job.

This list of requisites does rather narrow down my options. The most reliable methods tend to be the messiest, although even many of the least reliable ones seem pretty messy too. Slitting your wrists, for example, seems likely to incur just as big a cleaning bill as a shotgun blast to the face, but is a lot less likely to kill you. The average bee sting packs a more lethal punch, it seems.

Cyanide seems like the best option. Not a pleasant way to go, by all accounts, but it's quick, so long as you take a large enough dose, and doesn't seem to cause any splatter beyond that which death itself results in. Concentrated doses are hard to get hold of though and, given the dubious legality of supplying it, determining exactly what is in the pill before popping it would be impossible.

I think that if I could just flick a switch and turn myself off – permanently – then I would. That's the fact of the matter, really. I'd top myself if it were rather more convenient.

I'd settle for a few minutes. It wouldn't have to be instantaneous. If it took as long as going to sleep, say. And felt the same; painless, relaxing, peaceful. I'm pretty sure the doctors could fix it so I'd go out like that. Stupid fucking law.

Sleep's not like that for me any more anyway. It happens either when tiredness exceeds pain, or when the various drugs I'm on combine in such a way that I pass out. Neither results in proper sleep though. The latter is more of a hallucinogenic trance, but not usually in a good way. Even on the rare instances that I get blissful, vivid dreams, I still wake up (if you can even call it that) feeling unrested. And most of the time I get into a confused, anxious state, usually for some weird reason like I think I'm in a French seaside town searching for a particular fish, and only my ex-girlfriend has the fish, and I can't find her, and every time I try to speak French all that comes out is this strange happy sigh, but I'm not happy, I need the fish...

...to make an example up off the top of my head. They're extremely vivid, I'm sure they are. But I seem to have a lot of trouble recalling any of the details of any of them. The French fish story is the kind of level of nonsense I'm talking about though.

The other kind of sleep is a little more like the real thing, but it never lasts. The pain usually wakes me up. If not that then something along the lines of the aforementioned dizziness and puking – a coughing fit, or a panic attack, or farting and following through (a bit). Often some combination of all of the above.

I don't know which of the drugs it is that makes me fart and follow through (a bit), but every time the docs increase the dosage of one of them, I fear the situation is going to escalate to following through (a lot). So far it hasn't though. So far, it's just enough to make a little wet patch, and doesn't necessarily wake me up straight away. I think what usually happens is that it goes cold then I feel it when I roll over or something. It's gross, but it could (and probably will, eventually) be worse.

I'm looking through the various leaflets for my pills, trying to find the one that lists among its possible side effects, "May cause you to do a very little, but very wet, poo in your sleep that you won't notice 'til you roll over and feel its chilling dampness against your bum cheek," but not one of them does. The closest I can find is, "May have a laxative effect".

These things would read very differently if I wrote them...

Hey, we know reading's a drag and, y'know, who ever reads the instructions anyway, right? But seriously, it's worth giving this leaflet a once over to get as genned up as possible before you start popping any pills. And hang onto it, okay? You never know when you might need to check something.

We did our best to cram everything you need to know into this leaflet, but nobody's perfect. If you have any questions, your doctor is your best bet. Don't be shy. They might have cold hands and terrible handwriting, but they're people too!

Nobody likes side effects but, we're sorry to say, they come with the territory. Still, if you notice any getting worse and worse the longer you take the pills, or if you get any random side effects we haven't thought of then, again, let your doctor know. And knock the pills on the head in the meantime, just to be on the safe side.

Listen, if you can see yourself on this list, then we wouldn't take ZYANYDEX if we were you:

You've ever had a nasty reaction to cyanide. You're feeling a bit peaky at the moment. You're on a course of some other medication, like antibiotics or something. You're expecting. By the way, congratulations! That's so exciting. You need to drive anywhere – today would be a good day to take the bus. You're a cute little kid, lovable old lady or sweet old man. You don't want to die.

Makes you cringe, doesn't it? Not my best work. I'm a bit rusty. But still, that's how I'd write them. Assuming the price was right.