Man Of Few Words

Chapter 47

More transcribing. I promise I'll get back to some proper writing soon...

Whoops...

So, I noticed on the last recording... I noticed at the time of recording it, actually. But it's very clear on the recording that the more I talked, the more I yawned.

And so it seemed like talking to myself might be having a relaxing, soporific effect. So, I don't even know if I'm doing this for the book any more. I'm just gonna try it again, see if it has that effect again. It may have been coincidence or there may have been some effect. But some effect doesn't mean it's gonna work every time.

I don't even know if I'll use this in the book, but I've gotta finish before I die somehow. I mean, huh... finish it... when I die or... or... well, I talked/wrote about this before. I won't finish this. Someone else will.

But as I think I wrote somewhere near the beginning, I don't want it to be short. That would just be embarrassing. I want my name to be written in big, chunky letters on the spine. Like a tombstone.

The trouble is it's not... talking like this and then transcribing... it works, it fits my odd routine of life, which... I don't know if I've been doing it long enough to call it a routine, but I have established something like a routine in the last week, I guess. But, transcribing is not writing, in the sense that I am a writer. I'm a natural. And this... this way of doing it... this way of writing... it suits the parts of the book where I need to talk about how I feel at the moment. The moment I'm writing. The moment I'm speaking.

I don't necessarily know... well, it's not better than writing. Although maybe, sometimes when I'm really... I guess this is kinda how it started. It started because I didn't wanna get up in the night and go down to the study, and switch on the PC, and hear all the whirring, hissing and clicking noises for ten fucking minutes before I can actually open anything. And then sit there staring at the glowing screen and... but there are other reasons I don't feel like writing sometimes. I'm just in pain. Sometimes I just can't really get up. Sometimes it is hard to articulate things in writing. It's not... it's not easy to articulate things...

Me stopping in the middle of that sentence proved my point that I was trying to make, which is that it's not easy to... talk to yourself eloquently and clearly, and neatly.

Um... lost my train of thought now...

It... it's easier though. Well...

Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. So I've proven my point, or something. I was trying to say that it's not easy this way, it's not better this way, but sometimes it's an option. It's a better option, because I can do it. And I think, as I said the first time I recorded myself, it may be worth getting some practice at this. Might get better at talking to myself. It might start to become more like my writing. Maybe I'm a natural... talk-to-selfer as well. I think that might be true.

Okay... the yawns are coming as thick and fast as last time. It isn't as late at night as it was last time. Last time I did it because I couldn't sleep. Had been trying to for some time. This time I'm... well, this time I'm now in bed. The last two times I've gone down to the living room to do this. But this time because... I don't know... well, when I came up here, Mum and Dad were still up. I think they've now gone to bed but, I dunno, it would just seem a bit weird to... not out of character, but weird... to go up to bed, wait for them to go to bed, then go back down and talk to myself in the living room. I think part of the problem is that I just wouldn't wanna get caught. Not that there's anything wrong with what I'm doing, but it would just be odd.

But yeah, going back again to a point I was trying to make, I do have things that I think I should write. And I don't really want to try and tell them in this way. I don't think they would be as well told. Although one option is to tell them this way, transcribe it, then tidy it up. But that's a process, and I really just wanna get stuff done, which brings me back to the point of... this working in that way. 'Cause this way, when I sit down to write it's a more mechanical process. I spend all of that time getting stuff down on the page. There's no fiddling about, there's no reading the bits I've done, there's no fiddling abou... ah! There's also no pointless repetition, and stalling in the middle of sentences, and just rambling. Well... there's rambling.