Man Of Few Words

Chapter 46

It's been about 48 hours since I messaged Simone and... nothing. I did get a message from a Margaux, 29, but she lives in France. She's also another bloody Doctor Who fan, and describes herself as "gender nonconforming", so not really worth swimming the channel for, I don't think.

I made another recording in the middle of the night last night. Here it is...

So, today I went for a walk. Not a very long walk. Pretty tiring anyway. But I haven't really been anywhere much since I came here. Pottered about a little bit, but this was the first time I'd gone for a walk for the sake of going for a walk, and had gone alone.

I went to the bottom of the lane. I basically retraced the route that myself and Emily took on that day that she... that she touched my cock. Must've been almost exactly... 27 years ago? I forget my age sometimes. I feel a lot older than I am.

As I say, I walked along the lane. There were things I noticed that had changed. Some of the big, fancy houses towards the end have got extensions, new driveways, that kind of thing. Bigger SUVs. SUVs weren't really so much of a thing back when I was a kid. Although Range Rovers were pretty popular even back then. In this part of the world, anyway.

The pond is still there. Actually looking quite clean. I think somebody's been taking care of it. And there's a fairly new bench there now, so you can sit near the pond and maybe watch the ducks, or stare into the water and think. I was quite tempted to do both of those things myself. There were a few ducks splashing about. But I was going for a walk so I went for a walk. Perhaps it was the memory of Emily hurrying me on. I don't know. I doubt it.

But I have to admit that memories of that day were very vivid in my mind as I was wandering along. The field beyond the pond is still there. However, it's smaller now. There's at least one new house. I think maybe more. Maybe two or three. And there were no cows, and I don't think there were any cow pats either. So I guess there are no cows kept there any more. They've either been moved to another field, or maybe sold on. I dunno. I didn't really feel like playing pat roulette anyway.

The grass in the field was quite long. There was a path sort of trodden through it – popular among dog walkers, I imagine. But that path didn't lead to the little woods, so I had to kinda wade through some knee-length grass. Just a little bit damp. I'm not sure when it last rained but I guess it was just dew or something. But I didn't get too wet. Didn't get cold feet or anything.

The barbed wire fence is not there any more, which was a relief. There's no fence at all. So I was able to walk into the little wood – the wood where I got wood. Ha.

And that was a little different too. It certainly felt a lot smaller, and somehow... flatter. Certainly not flat but, I dunno, smoothed down over time somehow. I didn't feel confident of it at the time, but I did actually choose the right way first time. 'Cause by that point... it hadn't really been my intention, but by that point I was literally retracing the steps I took with Emily.

So, I managed to get down to that kinda big dip in the ground – without slipping and falling, which was good. I didn't find the very same hollowed out log though, of course. It was dead at the time so... that was long gone.

But... it was weird actually. It did... it did bring a lot back.

Obviously I wasn't close to Emily at all. Apart from those two occasions I've told you about, I don't really remember speaking to her. I mean, I probably did but not... nothing as in-depth as me teasing her about having tits or her touching my cock.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, even to my phone. But I did feel... I felt sad that she... that I never saw her again, that she just moved away. Very stupid really, but there was an undeniable feeling of what might have been... when we were eleven.

I wonder if we would still have been together when we were twelve, had things been different.

And this isn't about my cock. I mean, fundamentally perhaps it is. But she did like me.

I wanna say that I was too immature to realise I liked her too. Not really sure if that's true. I dunno. I guess that idea – puppy love, you could call it – just suddenly felt very appealing.

And I kinda went for a bit more of a wander around the woods. Partly, I admit, because that steep path into that dip... quite difficult to get back up again. Didn't fancy trying it. So I sorta continued on and then came out the other end and walked 'round.

Few things I recognised. Trees I think I remember climbing. But not much. I mean, there was a time when that little patch of land was... like, I knew it. I had a map of it in my head. So did Cammy, and so did Richy. Probably so did Emily. Seemed to know it pretty well. But it felt... I'm sure it can't be that different, but it just didn't feel that familiar any more.

On the way back, I did stop and sit by the pond for a little while. A few people came by and said hello to me. I didn't recognise any of them. I don't know whether they're people who've lived here for... well, I don't know if they're people who were... who lived here when I was a kid, or whether they're just new people. They said hello, they said hi, I said hello back. I felt like an outsider.

The ducks, meanwhile, seemed very disappointed I didn't have any bread.