Man Of Few Words

Chapter 39

So that's something resembling an explanation of why Tuulikki was irresistible to me. But what made me irresistible to her? I'm not offended that you'd ask. After all, you mostly know me as an miserable, anti-social, bra-fixated diarrhea machine, and that's not the kind of thing women who can afford to be picky usually go for.

But you might also remember that I mentioned that I too am very direct and blunt, and that my aloofness earns me respect. This is something I really honed as I became more successful but even before that, it was always part of my character. And I think it's why I never really had any trouble attracting women. My problems with women always occurred shortly after the initial stages. I'd either abruptly lose interest, or else they'd quickly get frustrated with my stubborn refusal to compromise or co-operate.

So Tuulikki was presumably attracted to me for the same reason a lot of women were. I was unintimidated and direct, without ever trying too hard. But there was more to it than that. I think somehow I was the perfect foil for her style of interacting with people. I was just so receptive to the way she was, and I guess a powerful kind of feedback loop developed between us. If we go back to the drug metaphor for a moment; if she was the supplier, then I was her best customer. She needed me too.

I guess what I'm describing here isn't particularly exceptional. I suppose you could read it as a somewhat cold, clinical explanation of how all "love" works. It was exceptional for me though. It was the first and last relationship I ever had that lasted more than a few months.

It wasn't really that different to all the others though, because I didn't change. It just proved a lot more resilient to my difficult behaviour because of the seemingly electro-magnetic pull of that feedback loop. It probably also helped that she was living quite far from home, and didn't have much in the way of local friends and family for me to refuse to spend time with. I was happy to spend a lot of time with her, and within a year of meeting we moved in together. But while the bond between just the two of us was strong, there was no social dimension to it. Nobody really knew us as a "couple". This suited me just fine, but it bothered her. I think it always bothered her, but the connection between us just felt so good that she didn't care. At first, that is.

But Tuulikki is a smart woman. She got wise to it eventually.

For the sake of this book, I'd like for there to be some dramatic tipping point for me to relay to you. But it didn't end that way. There was no moment. No conflict. No spectacular bust-up. All that happened was that over a long period of time a lot of awkwardness, staleness, resentment and frustration set in, all of which I either ignored or shrugged off. But I couldn't ignore it when she told me she'd started seeing someone else and was moving out. I didn't respond though. I just held eye contact and said nothing. That really pissed her off.

"Aren't you going to say something? Don't you have anything to say? So... that's it? Really?"

My eyes just followed her around the room, and my expression remained stern, but calm. I wasn't happy about it at all, but I wasn't distressed. It took her about half an hour to get her things together and go, muttering to herself in Finnish as she paced to and fro through the flat. I helped her load some heavy bags into her car, then asked if she had everything. She said, "Yes," and I turned and went inside without saying anything else.

The next day, I binned everything she'd left behind and started looking for a new flat.

I also didn't waste any time looking for new women. I kinda binged, in fact. And I must admit that, for a couple of months, I got a bit nasty. Not abusive or anything. But I really went out of my way to be an arsehole, rather than simply letting myself be an arsehole as a consequence of not caring. But pretty soon I leveled out and was back to my old self. More so, if anything.

Did that read like a "wound"? Was it emotionally raw? I don't even need to read it back to know that the answer is "no". I bet you're thinking, "I still don't know who this Tuulikki woman is... or was". I know that's what you're thinking. Because it's what I'm thinking too.

I'm crying again. I can see the tears on my reflection on the window, caught in the glow of the street lights outside. I'm sobbing and I'm sniffing and I'm whining. Is that raw enough for you?