Convergence - The Last Science #2.2 - Heroes and Villains

B2: Chapter 32 - Paranoia - V

  Natalie didn't eat lunch in the cafeteria. She couldn't bear it, no matter how much Kelsey insisted they were totally fine. She hurried in just to say hi to Quinn and tell him she'd see him in fifth period. He looked surprised, but didn't ask any questions, reminding Natalie just why she liked him so much. Quinn loved asking questions, but he was really catching on to when Natalie didn't want to—or couldn't—answer.

  Instead, Natalie retreated back to her bathroom, yet again. She locked the door, she closed the window, and she took her stall, as usual. If any other girls wanted to use it, they'd have to go down to the next hall. She was going to be alone for the period.

  You are hiding again.

  No duh I'm hiding! she shouted in her head. You see everything I do, so why do you tell me that all the time?

  Because you shouldn't be hiding. You've done nothing wrong.

  I think I broke her nose. That's wrong.

  You were provoked. You were still within the rules of the game. You aren't at risk of discovery.

  That doesn't make it okay!

  Natalie pulled out her lunch and started eating, trying to ignore the voice as it continued to reassure her. She didn't want to be reassured. She didn't want to think this was okay. As awful as Blake was, Natalie didn't want to just hurt people and walk away like it was nothing.

  You didn't feel anything when you killed those gang members in the warehouse.

  She bit into her sandwich. Natalie didn't want to think about them. Natalie just wanted to eat, and go back to her friends, go home. Home. Rallsburg, not Quinn's house. She wanted Gwen, she wanted the forest, she wanted her little castle in the woods where nobody would hurt her. Where she'd wait out the storm. She'd come back out one day and there would be her dad, waiting for her.

  You didn't feel anything when you fought the monsters.

  They were monsters, Natalie shot back, finally giving in. They weren't people.

  You killed twenty five people in Rallsburg and you got past it.

  Had she gotten past it? Natalie realized it with a shock: she couldn't remember their faces anymore. Not a single face from the street in Rallsburg came to her mind. She could still remember the six gang members in the warehouse—the boss, Tattoo-face, his companion, Stutter, Door-guy, and Weasel-face—but the mob that faced her down in Rallsburg? Where Rachel had ordered her to kill, again and again?

  Not a single one. They were gone, lost to whatever deep black pit that memories vanished into. Natalie could remember everything else from that terrible day, worst of all the sight of her father ordering golems forward into the forest, but the faces of the townspeople were gone.

  What did you do? she asked, horrified.

  I did nothing. You needed to forget, so you did.

  Natalie shook her head, but no more words came out—or rather, no imagined words. She continued eating in silence, without any more interruptions from the voice. As she ate, she calmed down a bit more. It still bothered her that she couldn't remember the people she'd... she'd killed, but what was she supposed to do about it? They were long gone. She'd never forget what she did, but... maybe the voice was right. Maybe forgetting the people was better for her in the long run. She couldn't hold them all forever.