Love and Pride

phoenix

A broken heart is such a minimalistic term, I thought. It should be called a broken body. My entire being was submerged in pain and I had no idea how to resurface. Silent tears streamed nonstop, I didn't even have the energy to cry in earnest.

This morning I woke up with a heart bursting with love and hope. Can's scent was still on my pillows, the threat of losing him forever made me frantic and I decided to take the leap, live my life on my own terms and grab this incredible unexpected love with both hands. I rushed to his side dreaming of ending the day in his arms, seeing his dazzling smile when I surrendered my heart to him. And now I was in mourning, cold, alone and stunned into immobility.

You're the last woman I'd ever consider marrying

Those words would haunt me until the day I died.

I don't know how I got back to the house or how I ended up in bed with Ayhan worriedly wiping my tears. I clutched the scarf in my hand.

"Sanemsie, please tell me what's wrong. If you don't I'll call you to know who and you don't want that. Do you?"

I didn't care. I found it hard to care about anything right now.

Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep and dreamt of a dazzling dimpled smile, of lips trailing softly over my face, melting brown eyes and a low raspy voice whispering in my ear, I don't love you. Why don't you understand?

I woke up with a start. I felt my lungs seize up and the panic started to crawl slowly over me. Ayhan was snoring softly next to me. I ran into the bathroom so as not to wake her but it was too late, her terrified face appeared in my wavering vision. She got up to call for help but I shook my head wildly.

Focus on me

I heard his voice and saw his concerned face in my mind. I closed my eyes and remembered breathing with him, his strong arms holding me protectively.

When I emerged from the worst of it, Ayhan watched me with fearful eyes.

"Please tell me what is happening?"

"I'm okay," I tried a wobbly smile and she gave me a skeptical look.

"Do you think I'm turning into our mother?" I asked her while she wiped my face with a cool cloth.

"You have a heart. You could never turn into her. What is going on with you? I've never seen you like this."

"I fell in love."

She looked at me doubtfully, "I've never been in love before but if it's going to make me look like a zombie, no offense, I want no part of it...Oh my God!" She exclaimed, "it's Mr. Tall, Buff, and Handsome, isn't it?"

"Who?" I asked momentarily startled out of my grief.

"A sound woke me up early and I looked out of the window to investigate, and there was this gorgeous man swinging off your window like a fully dressed Tarzan. I thought maybe I was still asleep but then he dropped down to the ground, saw me and winked at me. Winked!" She put her hand over the heart and pretended to swoon, "and it took me like ten minutes to recover. I don't think I have recovered, actually. I ran up here to check on you but you were sleeping. So I figured you had been a bad girl," she wiggled her eyebrows up and down, "So now you have to tell me everything! But first, he didn't hurt you, did he? Because I will hunt him down and throat punch him. I don't care how pretty he is."

"I hurt him. So much. Over and over again," and a sob ripped from my chest.

I sat on the floor of the bathroom and sobbed out most of the story to my little sister.