I Could Fall

Chapter Forty-Nine

I wish I was brave enough to say yes.

My lips parted but not a single sound came out. All I could hear was the loud beating of my heart. I closed my mouth and anxiously licked my lips.

Ali's hand consolingly grazed my hip. His eyes were soft as it watched me. "You don't have to say yes now. Maghihintay ako." He lightly smiled. "I've always waited for you, baby. I just decided to stop waiting from a far."

Nanginig ang mga labi ko at tuluyang bumagsak na ang pinipigilang luha kanina. I can't believe that he still wants me to take him back even after what I did to him.

Naglaho ang ngiti sa mukha ni Ali. He cupped my cheek and wiped the tears streaming on it. His jaw clenched, matching the hurt and fear on his eyes. "I really hate seeing you cry."

"Hindi-Hindi ka ba nagalit sa akin?" hikbi ko.

"I can never get mad at you," he croaked. I could clearly see the pain in his eyes. I was familiar with it. How could I not be? I've carried that pain for years. He licked his lips. Namula na ang mga mata niya. "It destroyed me when you left, but I cannot hold your decision against you. My brother just died and my parents were blaming us. It was a too much to bear-"

"It's not that," hikbi ko at umiling. Iyon lang nakayanan kong sabihin dahil sa paghikbi.

He continued, "I almost begged harder than I did when you broke up with me, but I didn't wanna force you to be with me. Lalo na at alam ko na masyadong mabigat ang sitwasyon natin at ayaw kong mahirapan ka."

I realized he was pouring out all of the words he didn't say that day. I can vividly remember how he vehemently said no and pleaded me to stay, just thinking about it makes my heart ache. He only stopped when I begged him to let me go. He didn't utter another word. He just left.

Kinagat ko ang labi para pigilan ang paghikbi. Pumikit ako para pigilan ang pagluha pero nagagawa pa rin nitong tumakas.

"I knew you needed a break, so I let us take a break, even when I badly wanted you to stay 'cause I was already falling apart. Even I wanted so bad to tell you... na sa'yo na lang ako kumukuha ng lakas kaya sana 'wag mo akong iwan..." His eyes glittered with pent up tears. Naghalo ang galit at lungkot sa mga mata niya habang nakatitig sa akin. "But I didn't wanna guilt you into staying with me. I wanted you to stay because you love me and not because you just feel obligated. I didn't want to burden you. You were still young and everything was too much-"

"No. Hindi naman 'yon, e," iyak ko at marahas na umiling. "I was griev-ving and the guilt was eating—eating me... but I could take it. I knew I could. For you. I was just so terrified.. na baka totoo ang sinabi ni Tita Agatha... na gulo lang ang dala ko—that... that I'll end up killing you, too. I-I was scared that something will h-happen to you and it will be because me.

That's what I couldn't take. 'Cos I'd rather break than see you bleed. So I thought it would be for the best if I was gone from your life. H-H-Hindi na magagalit ang p-pamilya mo. Wala nang masasaktan kapag n-nawala ako."

"Paano naman ako?" paos na sagot niya. "Baby, I already lost my brother. I feel like I lost my family. I can't afford to lose you, too," his voice broke and the tears streamed down his face. He inhaled sharply and quickly wiped his tears away. "Fuck."

Parang paulit-ulit na pinipiga ang puso ko. The pain in my chest tripled that I'm surprised I'm still alive. Mas lalong lumala ang pag-iyak ko.

"I'm sorry," I cried harder. "I'm sorry, Ali."

He shook his head. The tears were gone but his eyes were still red from his emotional outburst. He pulled my arm and brought me to his chest. Nagpadala naman ako sa paghila niya. Parang may nabawas na bigat sa balikat ko nang balutin niya ako ng yakap.