The Girl He Didn't Want

Chapter 27

Mayas POV

"Hey, what's up Maya?".

Rose was on the other line. I had called her without knowing what else to do. I panicked, I wanted to do something stupid to myself. I felt such a strong hate toward my self now.

I so badly wanted a life where I could choose my own partner and experience love. The culture I came from told me otherwise my whole life. Arranged marriages were not outdated in our cultured.

My parents had been asking if they could find someone suitable for me as I was soon turning twenty-seven. Apparently, I was getting old to even get a chance to find a husband according to them.

Maybe I should quit trying to find love on my own? My parents loved each other after they got married. They didn't even know each other before they stood in the church and exchanged rings.

How sad is that? Yes, it worked out for them. But will that make YOU happy?

I knew what my mind tried to do. And I already knew the answer. I would never be happy in an arranged marriage.

I wanted to find my own husband someday. I wanted to be fully accepted by my partner. And I somehow wasn't that attracted to brown guys.

I didn't deliberately plan to not feel attracted to brown men, but it had just always been like that.

But, oh boy, how easy would that have been if just fell in love with a brown man. He would accept my skin color. My whole culture wouldn't shock him either – what a relief that would be!

But at the same time, not many brown guys would like my choice of career. Men who usually let their parents find a suitable wife for them mostly wanted a highly educated brown woman who had intelligence, cooking skill (which I luckily had anyway), and a woman who was rooted in her culture and knew where she came from.

I had all those things except for my job. I loved my culture!

But there was also another part of me that was very American and not many Tamil men found that amusing. I couldn't be traditional all the time. I was born here in the United States.

What did people expect from me? That I was fully capable of juggling between my mixed identity?

I always had this identity crisis when I got confronted with my dreams, passion, and love interests. I hated myself for being so different from everyone else. Why couldn't I be like any other Tamil girl?

Duh, you will never be like the others as you are born here and not in Sri Lanka!

"Maya, what is it?" I got interrupted when I could hear Rose trying to get a hold of me. I came back to my current situation and told her what I just saw.

"You were right, Rose. I was stupid to even think that he wanted me after getting to know me", as I said that I snorted and sobbed uncontrollably.

"Who? James...? Are you serious Maya? Did he do something to you?

"I just saw him at a fancy bar and restaurant with a woman close to him. But he told me he was stuck at work..."

"Maya... Honey, I'm so sorry to hear that. I so wished that I could make you forget what you just saw".

She stopped after that and let me cry till I couldn't anymore. By the time I was back at my apartment again.

"I never thought he would be like Oliver. I thought James was finally beginning to feel something for me".

"Honey, don't say that. There is someone out there for you who will love you one hundred percent. You just have to wait a little bit. I promise you, girl".

I didn't say much to that but instead told her I needed to get undressed so I could go to sleep. I was emotionally exhausted.

Rose said she would stop by after work tomorrow. I found that suitable as I just wanted to be alone tonight. I just wanted to cuddle up in my bed and forget everything about James.

When I was laying in my bed later, my emotions changed from sadness to anger. I was so mad at myself for letting me believe that a guy like him would change as soon as he got to see some of my world.

I felt like giving totally up on finding love at all.

Love isn't for you. You don't really deserve to be loved anyway. You are just a brown-skinned girl who makes it difficult for others. If James doesn't like you then who will?

My anger reached to the top and I threw my pillow at my window. Then the tears that I thought I had emptied for good, started coming back. I was devastated and hurt.

I wasn't rational at this moment, I knew that. But I wanted to end this torture. I wanted to punish myself for believing that anyone would ever want a woman like me. I searched for my phone under my duvet and dialed the number.

After a few seconds the phone was answered. "Hello, Maya is that you?"

"Yes mom, it's me."

"Tell me dear, why are you calling at this late hour suddenly?" my mom sounded concerned.

I took a big breath and gathered my thoughts quickly to form the sentence that I had created in my head.

"I think I'm ready for marriage. You can look for a suitable husband if you want to".

I was numb after saying that. Never had I thought in my life that I would sink so deep, but, here I was. Giving my mother permission to find a husband for me.

"Maya, what's wrong? You don't sound too happy though..." Dang, my mom was good at knowing how I felt. After all she was my mother. What mother wouldn't know?

"N-nothing mom. I'm just very tired, I had a long day and before I forgot to tell you, I thought I wanted to call you and tell you that" I tried to smile while saying that so I could make her believe that everything else was fine with me.

"Oh, if that's the case, then I will discuss it with your dad. It will be so nice for you to find a handsome man to take care of you!" she exclaimed more happily now.

My eyes got wet suddenly at her mention of a handsome man.

I doubt you find a handsome man for me, as I just happened to lose the most handsome man to a beautiful white, blonde-haired woman...

I hung up and tried to close my eyes to get to sleep. Even though how hard I tried to fall asleep, I just couldn't.

My mind was on a rollercoaster and my heart was too heavy. I couldn't wait to see Rose tomorrow. I needed to see her face and get a hug from her.

An hour or so went by in chaotic side turns in the bed and restless sleep until I finally drifted off to dreamland, where James and I definitely were in love.