Floating in the Abyss ✔️

Chapter 46

I continued to see Dr Brooks, or Ella, as she liked to be called, for a few weeks, visiting her on Monday's and Friday's. I never felt awkward around her, and I guess I wasn't trying to keep any secrets, because I didn't know why I was doing the things I was, and I wanted to get better, both for my sake and my families.

Since I started seeing her, I've only had a panic attack (I found at that's their name and that they're not uncommon) 4 times.

Everything was going really well until something happened between mum and Chris.

"I can't do it, Chris, she's not ready for anything like that." Laura yelled. I had never heard her speak anything in anger, or this loud.

"I know. I get it."

"No you don't Chris! That is my daughter and she needs me."

"She's my daughter too, Laura." He said seriously, his voice changing. "But this has been in progress for almost a year. We can't back out now."

I could only assume they were talking about me. I was Laura's only daughter, so I wasn't assuming, I knew.

"She's been here a few months; they all love her, and you've seen how the boys are. She'd be fine. It's only four days." Chris was trying to stay calm, but I could sense Laura was unconvinced. It made me nervous.

"Go back to bed, Ash." Ryan hissed, giving me a fright. "What are you doing up?"

"I needed water." I whispered.

"Well, quickly."

"What are you doing up?" I asked him, still keeping quiet so Laura and Chris wouldn't hear me. I covered the tap with a towel to soften the sound of running water, a trick I was well acquainted with.

"Doesn't matter."

"Why are you dressed?" I asked, noticing he was fully clothed.

"Stop asking so many questions Ashlyn." He said seriously. He'd never called me by my full name before and I couldn't help but frown.

He walked me back to my bedroom and watched as I got into my bed before shutting the door and leaving.

I waited until I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, then got out of bed to open the door again, in attempt to listen in on Mum and Chris's conversation.

"Ash." Ryan growled. "I'm proud and grumpy at the same time." He commented, seemingly to himself.

"What?"

"I wasn't born yesterday. I used to do this all the time." He rolled his eyes. "Are you going to stay in your bed this time?"

"Probably not." I smiled.

"Upstairs we go then." He smirked back. I frowned but quietly followed him upstairs.

"Where are you going?" I asked, after he'd made sure I was comfortable in his bed and was heading out again.

"I've got to do something. I'll be back before you wake up though." He told me dismissively.

"I'm going back to my bedroom then." I sat up, not wanting to be in his bedroom without him. It just felt weird.

"Ash." He groaned. "Just stay here, okay. You don't need to listen to mum and dad fighting. It's none of your business."

"But they're arguing about me, Ryan. It's my fault." I told him, head low.

"It's not your fault. They just have different views. That's what happens sometimes. It's not because of you."

"But if I wasn't here, then it wouldn't be happening. Right?" I put him in a bad position there, because I was right, but that would mean he'd have to agree with me. "If I wasn't here, then they wouldn't have to worry about me. They could just keep working and, and living their lives and..." I kept rambling and felt my heart beginning to race. I gripped onto the sheets, but they weren't doing justice.

"Shhhh, Shhhh, Ash. It's okay. Big deep breaths, okay? You need to calm down and take some big deep breaths. Ella said the most important thing to do was just keep breathing. I'm right here. Think about happy things, like skateboarding with Austin, and playing basketball with Nick." I tried to think of happy thoughts, and although they didn't really work in the beginning, everything began to calm down after a while. "There we go. We're okay. You're okay."

"Ryan, is it me? Am I making mum and dad fight?" I asked, needing an answer.

"Mum and Dad aren't fighting each other, Ash. They're fighting the problem. And that's just part of loving someone. Sometimes there are days where it won't go perfectly. That's just how life works."

"Can you stay?" I asked.

"Yeah, baby, I'll stay." He slipped his shoes off and laid down next to me.

"I love you Ryan."

"I love you too, Ash."

"How have you been Ash?" Ella asked me as I arrived. We had some small chit chat as usual, then started the 'real' talk. "Any panic attacks since I last saw you?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"You hadn't had one for a while. Do you know what caused it?"

"Yeah."

"Can you explain?" She asked, calm and patient as always.

"My mum and dad were arguing, and I know that it was about me."

"As in, your mother and Chris?"

"Yes." I realised that I'd started calling Chris, dad, more in my head than in person, as I hadn't addressed him yet. 

"Are you sure? What do you recall of the conversation?" I told her what happened, and she asked me what emotions I felt that made me panic. I explained that it was worry and fear that I was doing something wrong. I wanted to make everyone happy, but I felt like I was causing more problems than joy.

"I have an idea of a more permanent coping mechanism for you, which I think could be really helpful. Could you grab your mum from the waiting room and tell her to come in? I need to speak with her alone for a minute."

"Don't tell her that I heard them arguing though." I asked.

"I think its best she knows." She looked at me. "I, of course, don't have to tell her but communication of times like these is important."

-

Comment any ideas you have for this book and for the sequel. I'm also trying to come up with a name for the sequel so let me know if you have an idea! I want it to semi-match the title of this one.

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