Shadow Claw: The Life Story - The First Chapter

Ch. 21 - It's Where My Demons Hide

Okay so this chap is gonna be a little dark and sad. I want you all to know that I am fully aware that there are people out there with depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts and I'm not trying to bring beauty to it because it's not a good thing - this chap is generally based all in the mental stage of Shadow because she suffered hard at times - it's just how I developed Shadow's character. Stay strong guys because you are all beautiful! Xxx Oh and LISTEN TO THE SONG!! :3

I sat at the edge of the cliff in the shimmering birch forest that I commonly visited. It overlooked the Black Lake, but that day, something was different - something was off.

It wasn't to do with school, but Shade instead and my mental state. Being apart from him was really getting me down; and Jenny was getting suspicious. Maybe it had been the blood on my hands, or that I always carried a sharp object around with me, or that I was being closed off more than usual, whatever it was, Jenny knew something was up.

However, that day was when my mental stage was at its rock bottom. I was depressed and wanted to badly to end my miserable being. I knew it was selfish but others wouldn't understand - I tried to hard and it was a waste of my time. What was the point of being happy when I was just going to become sad again? The higher you climb, the further you have to fall.

Before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my cheeks and dripping off the edge of the cliff. "Shade... please... I need you..." I whispered with a broken voice, its sound being carried off by the winds that whipped at my fur harshly, the winds that kicked me when I was down, the winds that never stopped murmuring dark things to me, the winds that were the demons inside me. See, many see suicide as the cowards way out but well, we are too tired - tired of pretending, tired of living, tired of dragging ourselves around - that all we can see is paradise in death. At that point, I would have given anything to numb my pain and be surrounded with a fantasy and not the cold, hard truth of reality.

"You said you'd always be there for me! But you're not!" I cried, raising my wings in my agonizing sadness. "And it's my fault! It's... my... fault..." I looked to the skies, feeling the sting on the back of my paws from the cuts I had inflicted to stop the pain - but it was only temporary. Thinking about Shade seeing me this way made me cry harder. What would he have said to a mess like myself?

Shade was far away, I had no family, I had no life ahead of me. I was the last of my kind. Why did I even bother? I was broken beyond repair.

"Shadow." A voice suffused the air, halting my tears and melting my insides.

"S-S-Shade?" I whimpered, turning to see my handsome mate in all his glory. His beautiful ash coloured fur shone, along with the deep red markings that stood out like runes. His eyes held a strength beyond my capabilities and a love that neither of us could understand. How was he here?

"Shadow, don't cry." He whispered, padding slowly up to me and using his nose to brush away my tears.

"How are you here?" I choked out weakly, placing one of my paws ontop of his. My wings sagged to the ground and my head lolled onto his shoulder. He lay me down, curling around me with his strong legs. His scent filled my nose and calmed the raging darkness inside me.

"You called for me, and I heard. Seeing as I am a Blood Claw, I could smell your cuts for miles. I was far out hunting anyway." Shade replied, his voice softer than his fur. I lowered my ears, "Oh." Was all I could say as I lowered my gaze too. He used his jawline to tip my chin towards him, "It's alright Shadow. You can get through this without me, but I am here. Always." He encouraged me, licking my cheek.

I purred lightly, "I love you Shade." I mumbled into his fur, resting my weary head against him. Don't get me wrong, I could have run a marathon in my physical shape, but mentally, I was drained and weak. I did not have the willpower as it had been taken from me at a very young age.

"I love you too, Shadow. Don't be sad" Shade murmured back to me, nudging my paws and turning them over. I lowered my head to his paws, watching him lick my self-inflicted wounds clean, along with a good lick over my body to clean me. My fur's quality had decreased since I had not been eating or drinking during my depression.

And just like that - I felt lighter, better, healthier and stronger than ever. I sat up straight and looked Shade in the eye, "I promise to you, Shade, I won't ever be like this again. I might be sad when you're gone but I'll be damned if I become depressed again." I promised. Shade smiled, licking my cheek.

Well, I guess that's what I contributed to in a relationship...

A promise that I had not kept - a promise that disappeared over time. As I would soon learn, I did not keep that promise. I broke it many times.