Letters To Myself (#Nanowrimo2017 Winning Novel!)

29,

Dear Myself,

Whenever you have the urge to explore and travel but with other people who have the same passion and mindset, then you look for any events and opportunities running so that mission gets accomplished. It was six in the morning that after a night of tossing and turning, I switched on my laptop and checked all the social media accounts I have to see what was being offered. All of the local schools are now shut for the summer so obviously, everywhere was going to have little kids running round. I could have asked Michelle if she would bring some of her College friends over and we could all socialise and get to know more about the class structure and news from the campus in the city. But that would just be boring, sitting around indoors when the weather is beautiful out. I swear there hasn't been a single drop of rain for the last week and a half now. That's probably not a good thing but the nice weather brightens my mood which after my diagnosis of GAD, I truly do need to keep onto it or I'll fall into the nasty trap of being unwell.

Just on Instagram by random chance, I noticed someone I followed had reposted an image from another account advertising a photographers meet-up happening in the city. Those interested would have to gather at one of the local parks at eleven with your cameras and go on a walking route snapping photos, after the event, you could share them to your Instagram profile and have the opportunity to be featured to hundreds of other users from across the globe. The only issue was that my old camera was still back at my old house tucked away in a drawer and it wasn't functioning the best anymore. I used my phone for photography and so did her. It was free but the drinks afterwards were going to cost since according to the post, it was a tradition to go to a local pub after a meet-up. I don't drink alcohol so personally I would feel uncomfortable just having a pint of Pepsi with ice.

Taking a quick shower, I assessed the situation. On one hand, we could go and see what this meet-up was like and the kinds of people who go to it. On the other hand, I could type some more into a Google search and see if anything else spoke out more. Grabbing a t-shirt and leggings set, Michelle tapped on the door and asked if I had found anything interesting. On telling her about the meet, she confidently suggested that we should try it anyway, even if the format wasn't our cup of tea. Giving her a quick hug, I mentally tried to push down the nerves of meeting new people down so that my anxiety wouldn't be triggered. My breakfast struggled to co-operate with me and she noticed out this from out the corner of her eye. There was only one thing for it: cuddles. Out of sight, we cuddled as I nuzzled my face down onto her shoulder to feel loved and safe. Her fingers gently stroked the top of my newly washed hair as her presence controlled my breathing.

I cried out in pain once or twice as my joints ached with discomfort. Seeing my girl's face all forlorn and anxious made me feel like the world's worst girlfriend. / What was I going to do? Time was needed to make myself feel capable enough of going out and having a good time. But letting Michelle down terrified me since she was all keen for the meet-up.

Sipping on some water, she bought me in a magazine to read and help take my mind off all of the negative thoughts. One article struck me a lot which was on singers who have had to cancel concerts due to having panic attacks and how some of their fans had reacted on social media. I knew the singer Zayn had struggles with anxiety so it made me realise that I wasn't living with it alone. There were others out there in the same boat. My arms felt lifeless and one of my ankles swelled with cramp. Just not what i wanted to see at this moment in time.

We were late leaving but that's because Michelle's Mum Juliet was still concerned if I would last the day or not. A quick bus ride down into the city made me start to feel some thrill of excitement at long last. Just disappointed that it didn't happen sooner rather than later. My phone was all charged up and equipped with all of the latest Instagram filters, ready to bring my images to life. If there's one filter that I rely on, that is the black and white one since it turns something minor into a spooky and forbidden aspect. It's brilliant and the feedback from the random users that I get online does keep me going. Don't get me wrong, I do like using colours but the mindset I'm in depends on the message I want to get across to others.

Arriving at the meeting point just as all of them were crowded round together and snapping a group photo, I was met by a fluffy Labrador dog who shook its fur all over my legs in excitement. Michelle snapped a photo of me holding the dog's paw as if to shake hands in a normal human greeting and proud to say that image is now on my lockscreen to make it the first thing I see on my phone once I switch it on. The majority of photographers there were older adults but a few young looking faces seemed to be milling around trying to create conversations. The dogs however seemed to be the real stars of the show as with tails wagging and treats noshing, we set off past some shops and up towards some older architecture which brings the tourists in their hundreds to look at. The city has some crescents in, made up of expensive townhouses being sold for over a million pounds! Luxurious, vintage and spacious, I can imagine what it feels like to live in one of those places.

The group had broken up in various parts meaning some of us including myself and Michelle were in the front group while others were taking videos in the previous street. According to one of the professional photographers we spoke to, this was common at a meet-up since different aspects appeal to different people. As the clouds started to form above us, I hoped that the rain wouldn't start to fall and make the trip a slippery one. My favourite photo was definitely by a crescent and admiring a window box filled with gorgeous sunflowers and tulips. I have two copies of them stored in my photos memory, colour and black and white edits.

I chose to upload the colour one to my Instagram and within minutes, I was completely blown away by the number of likes and follows I started to receive. I know you shouldn't do things for the fame or the money but even seeing the new faces for the first time felt special. At home, I had a complete internet detox and watched a film starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in called Winning London. I haven't been up to London in years but I would like to at some point with Michelle. Despite how old the film was, I still enjoyed and remembered all of the attractions such as Big Ben and the London Eye, one day I will return. Just before bed, I found you and started to write again in this as she was in the bathroom getting changed into her onesie her Dad jokingly bought her as an 18th birthday present. I have a plan for action for the next week, editing my Camp Nanowrimo novel! Not really sure what howlers I will find in regards to spelling mistakes and repeated words next to each other but we can try.

Spotting a notification flash up, I took a deep breath and opened it wondering what the hell was going to be flashed at me. The result was mind blowing, it was a tag from the official meetup account promoting my window bed photo! Never in a hundred years did I think one of the creative sparks I decided to unlock would open up a reward like that!

Off to bed now, more hard work to follow (if I don't end up becoming a lazy sloth).

Yours,

Morwenna.