Express The Distress

friends in the dark

I met you at a party
We were both only there because we had nothing else to do
You were smoking out back claiming you had to die a little in order to live a little

Instantly you caught my attention
If not by your logic, then the golden flecks of your eyes that seemed to dance with the reflection of the stick of flame you were holding.

We talked for hours that night, you said you didn't want to go home and neither did I. We became friends in the dark, meeting past the hours of midnight, roaming the empty streets as if the world was ours. There was something about the black moonlit sky, it brought us together daring us to come out and play after each bleeding sunset.

Sometimes you'd pick me up in your old vintage pickup truck and we'd drive until your gas tank ran dry, turning down roads at random to avoid any indication of boredom. We'd point out the yellow flickering street lights, saying they were stars on the verge of bursting that would soon spiral into a black hole. It was an inside joke we'd make only because we sat through the boring astronomy class hours before.

After you'd drive through red lights as an act of rebellion, relishing the feelings you got while doing it even if only for a second. We'd laugh, eyes connected and sparkling, smiling cheekily as if we just won a million dollars, knowing no one but the gods above saw us. It was our secret, one of the many we had between us, and goodness we had a lot.

When it rained, you'd jerk the truck down dusty dirt roads, saying we were going mud bogging without the mud touching us. My heart rate would spike as we flew up and down in our seats, hitting every rattling bump, splattering the windows a ruddy brown. You'd then turn on the windshield wipers smearing the mud until we could see through the window again, saying how convenient technology was.

The nights were ours.

In the early hours of one am, we'd make up stories under the speckled lit sky, laying on the tailgate of your truck, making up scenarios that would never happen. We'd never end up finishing the stories because somehow your hand would intertwine with mine as you faced me on your side, watching me with an amusement that had my words dying off. Then you'd lean down, pressing the sweet essence of your soft pale lips on top of mine, filling me with an ecstasy I never thought possible.

On those nights the truck would roll under us, since you parked on a hill, and I'd free fall into your messed up logic. Another one of your death claims so we could live in the moment. The wind brushed us by as we held tight to the sides so we didn't slip off the tailgate as the truck slipped down the hill until you finally decided to crawl through the back window and yank the gear into park.

I'd hate you for the scare, I'd yell and scream at you for being so careless, but it never lasted long.

I knew I loved you then, through all the reckless things you did, through all our exciting secrets, through all our adventures. I loved the feeling you gave me, the edge you always left me hanging on, the unknown fire you burnt on my skin. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't, I was too scared to tell you three simple words when other things we had done should scare me so much more.

I think you knew though because in the moments I wanted so badly to tell you the most, you'd grab my hand looking straight into my eyes as if you could see right into my heart, and you would place a kiss onto my knuckles smiling. And I would be okay again, my body would stop trembling, and my goosebumps would settle, as if that were you telling me you loved me too, another one of our secrets.

I think you were right, I risked my life with you every night whether it was jumping off bridges into icy rivers in the pitch black or rolling down hills in the tailgate of your truck, only then did I feel the most alive.

Loving you was dangerous—especially in the dark, like a sensual kiss lingering with death always prickling my flesh. But god did I love you, so death wasn't so scary anymore, not when it was coming from you.