Express The Distress

baby

i miss me, the me before you. the one who didn't search for you in every crowded room. the one who didn't skip songs because they were too painful to listen to. because we sang them together, we danced to them together. i miss not having to hear your laugh that made my heart stop and wishing to hear it just one more time. i miss not thinking about what you're doing and who you're with. i miss not having the feeling of your fingers laced with mine and walking without my hands feeling so dreadfully cold. i miss my smile, the one i had before you ruined it. and i miss not seeing you in every little thing i do. because now i connect my y's with every letter just like you because i still love your stupid scribbly handwriting. most of all i miss not having to miss you. because now that your gone, your not gone at all. hidden in the poems i write and the paintings i paint. hidden in my thoughts i think and words i use. because how can i not.

how can i still not love you when everything i do revolves around you. how can i not still love you when you are the only person who has ever made me feel this way. how can i not still love you when all i do is miss you so goddamn much that it hurts. it hurts more than anything. how can i not still love you when all i hear are the secret promises you murmured into my ears that i'm praying you keep, praying you haven't already forgotten.

how can i not still love you when you are the person who has my whole bloody heart in your hands. and i'm willing to let you break it, shatter it even as long as you be mine again. because i'm still yours. i don't think i'll ever not be yours. and i think you know it too. because i saw you today across the street and you looked at me. you read me like a flipped open book like you always do and it took everything in me to keep walking as you crossed the street.

it took everything in me to not turn as you called out my name. but then you grabbed my arm. i froze at the contact, keeping my gaze straight, ignoring the electric current you sent through me. and then you said baby and my body shuttered like an instinct and i hated how that name affected me so deeply.

i tried to stay strong, to remember why i was mad at you, i really did but then you apologized. you said you missed me. and i desperately tried to remember why i was mad. but i couldn't. all i could hear was you, those terrible, gut-wrenching words. and i hated how i began to dissolve, letting you pull me back into your arms, letting you kiss the side of my neck. because you never said sorry first after our fights but this time you did.

this time you did and i couldn't tell myself i was still mad at you. because you said you missed me. and i missed you too more than anything.

i couldn't fight it anymore. i wanted you. and i never not wanted you.