THE MAZE TRIALS ┃tmr love triangle

11

"We mourn, we remember, we rest, we do anything we can, but we never forget, Chuck."

Penelope

THE FEELING of thick sweat coats to my forehead like a headband, and I feel anxiety swell up in my stomach, confirming my looming feeling of fear. While I have a rough idea that I know what it is, I still have extraneous factors affecting how I feel.

Today is the day that Ben gets banished, and I've seen keepers walking around with poles and Alby yelling at everyone to get in order. I don't dare go anywhere near where Ben is being held in the pit, though I can hear his screams from a mile away. They aren't screams of pain, but screams for mercy, as though he knows what's coming and he's trying to avoid his fate.

In all honestly, it's hard to imagine what Ben is even going through, and sure, I've felt confusion and anger and joy since I arrived in the Glade, but who's to say there are emotions out there that I haven't experienced? 

I can remember moments of complete joy and complete numbness from before I arrived, but I don't have memories to associate feelings with. It's what makes it hard to distinguish between feelings, as sometimes when I feel at my worst, I think nothing could possibly be more painful than that feeling, and then tomorrow comes. It seems like a sick cycle, and I'd do anything to have some sort of retained knowledge return to me.

There are good days and there are bad days, I suppose that goes for everyone in the Glade, but sometimes it's hard to tell whether you're feeling happiness or boredom, or anger getting confused with fatigue. Zart told me about how he coped with it when I first arrived, but even so it's hard to grip the fact that you don't really understand what's going on in your own head.

Speaking of what's going on in my own head, Thomas hasn't talked to me since we ate dinner together last night, he claimed that he lost his appetite and went to bed early and Chuck didn't help me piece together any kind of explanation, causing a foggy confusion to have drifted over and sat inside of my head all morning. When I arrived at Newt and I's room last night, he wasn't there and I had fell asleep on the floor that night, cold and alone. 

Is it wrong to say I missed his company?

Even so, I haven't seen him since I stormed away from him yesterday, causing me to come to the conclusion that the two of us are a little bit dramatic when we come together, so I plan on talking to Newt today about what happened.

My feet drag as slow as they can across the emerald green grass of the glade, as though time might slow down in sync with me, and as though I can avoid the inevitable banishment. It's a nice thought, but it's rudely interrupted by a group of boys at the entrance of the maze, of which I stop by.