DIFFERENT WORLD

Chapter 19: KILLS ME

Chapter
VIX
Kills Me

***

"Why is it taking so long for the Ultimate to make a decision?" Wu Xie asked in a voice hardly above a whisper, as though frightened of scaring Zhang Qi Ling away.

Zhang Qi Ling leaned back on his heels.

"That thing about eternity applies to the Ultimate as well. What has been a year to you and it might be a breath to him."

Wu Xie nodded and chewed at his bottom lips. "What does his decision mean? What's the outcome we are hoping for"

Zhang Qi Ling was silent, internally pleased at the word 'we'. "I don't know."

"What if he decided I should have died?"

Zhang Qi Ling's teeth clenched until his jaw ached under the pressure and his fingers fisted at his sides. "Then I will collect you and deliver you to Paradise," he said so slowly the words could have been dragged from his very being.

"Will I go to Heaven, Xiao ge?" Wu Xie asked with cool curiosity.

Zhang Qi Ling nodded.

"Really?" Wu Xie pressed with a humorless smile. "Even with the way I feel about you?"

Zhang Qi Ling didn't answer and just watched as Wu Xie leaned forward over his knees. His fingertips trailed just over his face until Zhang Qi Ling could feel the warmth on his skin even without the touch.

"Even though I've wanted a God of Death as my own since birth? Even though I've cursed the Ultimate in my prayers one night, only to turn around and thank him with my whole heart the next?"

Zhang Qi Ling snapped and he had to force the words past his grinding teeth. "You will go to Heaven if I have to lay siege to the pearly gates myself."

Wu Xie's thumb brushed against his cheek and then he leaned back into the couch with a sigh. "I wouldn't go with anyone else."

"Wu Xie," Zhang Qi Ling whispered and Wu Xie looked right at him. In one fluid movement Wu Xie dropped his feet to the floor and with his elbows on his knees, scrubbed furiously at his hair.

Zhang Qi Ling shifted back again and watched Wu Xie's already chaotic hair spring outwards in all directions from the abuse. He slowly reached out his hand and ran his finger over the shining silver bracelet caught on the cuff of Wu Xie's sweatshirt.

"Why do you still wear this?" he asked.

Wu Xie turned his head and the movement shifted his wrist just enough that the bracelet slipped from under Zhang Qi Ling's finger. Suddenly, the feel of smooth metal was gone and his fingertip brushed over the warm, soft skin on the underside of Wu Xie's wrist. For just a moment, Zhang Qi Ling swore he could feel Wu Xie's pulse rate double. His fisted his fingers and forced them back into his lap.

"I haven't touched..." Wu Xie's breath caught but Zhang Qi Ling's hand were nowhere near him and Zhang Qi Ling had to control the urge to smile. "I haven't touched you in years."

Wu Xie nodded, brown eyes darkening, before he looked down and fiddled with the bracelet. "Sometimes," Wu Xie began and his nose wrinkled before he cleared his throat. "It's your fault really," he rushed out, his words one part anger and one part embarrassment.

Zhang Qi Ling arched a skeptical eyebrow.

"I don't think you understand how much you ruined, no, how much I hate... How much I needed... how much I missed you." By the end, Wu Xie's voice was cracking with anger and pain. "Sometimes, so much that I would..." Wu Xie's eyes lowered and focused on something interesting on the floor. "I would hold my breath and imagine..."

Zhang Qi Ling knew this, of course, he knew this and part of him swelled with pride and unrestrained glee that all of those times on the dance floor he'd been right. It was Zhang Qi Ling that Wu Xie imagined. He was right, he was right and Wu Xie was—

"...stupid." Wu Xie shook his head. "Because I would imagine you, Xiao ge, and hold my breath and feel, for just a moment, something you stole from me, and then, I'd breathe." Wu Xie met his eyes and that same slow, humorless smile—Zhang Qi Ling was starting to hate it—pulled at Wu Xie's mouth. "The problem comes when I do it in my sleep. Apparently." Wu Xie shrugged absently, "I don't get around to the breathing again part."

Wu Xie reached forward and brushed the pad of his thumb—it was warm, so damn warm—over Zhang Qi Ling's cheek. "But those nights, the night I almost die, I have the most amazing dreams."

Zhang Qi Ling held his breath and Wu Xie forced himself to breathe even as his fingers trembled against Zhang Qi Ling's cheek.

"I dream about you, touching me, holding me, loving me, and wish everyone would just let me go."

Now it was Zhang Qi Ling's turn to run his fingers through his hair, pushing Wu Xie's hand away in the process.

Zhang Qi Ling nodded. All these years he had been telling himself to stay away from Wu Xie... stay away because he wanted Wu Xie to be normal, stay away because he didn't want to hurt Wu Xie, stay away because Wu Xie deserved to live the life he had fought to hold on to. "...and all this times," he whispered raising his head to meet Wu Xie's eyes and they were so clear and trusting and pained. It hurt to look at them, but not nearly as much as it hurt to think about looking away.

"So, yeah," Wu Xie said softly with a shrug and a weak grin. "Ruined." He closed his eyes and rubbed at them with the heels of his palms. "You don't even have to be here, Xiao ge. Just thinking about you kills me."

Zhang Qi Ling narrowed his eyes at the phrasing but Wu Xie continued like he didn't noticed, or maybe he didn't care. "Look, Xiao ge, I'm not going to close our magic connection or bond or whatever, so Heaven can keep tabs on me. I still don't understand why this is happening. I don't understand the big picture or the lesson we are supposed to be learning. And I really, really don't know what the hell I – we—are being punished for."

"Wu Xie."

"But I do know I don't want to live like this... with you."

Zhang Qi Ling froze while his heart broke in two, half of it lodging painfully in his throat, while the other half plummeted into his stomach.

"Oh, shit, I can't," Wu Xie groaned and Zhang Qi Ling's eyes snapped up at the sound of pain lacing sickeningly through his words. "I want to. God, I want to, but it's not fair. You know it's not fair. I should be able to..."

In an act all their own, Zhang Qi Ling's fingers brushed over Wu Xie's cheek and Wu Xie leaned into his touch before turning his head away with a gentle rush of air.

"I understand," Zhang Qi Ling said and was surprised when the words came out in a hoarse whisper.

"I should be able to want other people. I should have been able to want Ah Ning," Wu Xie spoke softly, his words flat and detached but his eyes held Zhang Qi Ling captive, demanding something... something and Zhang Qi Ling... damn, Zhang Qi Ling knew he'd give anything.

"I know," Zhang Qi Ling agreed even as his fingers curled painfully into tight fist against his thighs.

Wu Xie shook his head with an angry jerk. "But I can't because I want you." His hand rubbed the middle of his chest over his heart and all anger drained from his body, leaving him weary and somehow smaller, "I ache... for you... always."

"Yes, I'm sorry," Zhang Qi Ling said and felt like he had failed Wu Xie... failed him always, from the moment he failed to collect him. "I'll do whatever you say. Leave, never come back, never leave, always be here, whatever you say, whatever makes it easier for you."

"Anything?" Wu Xie asked and something fundamental changed in his voice. Suddenly it was dangerous and calculated, promising something profound if Zhang Qi Ling was willing to grab for it.

***
To be continued...

Author's Note: Because I'm generous like that, (Hahaha! Who am I kidding—no one believes me.) I'm going to update some of my stories. Enjoy! And Happy reading 🤗