Children of Night and Snow

17. Find Your Wolf

"Focus!" Devan repeated for at least the twentieth time in the last hour. I was sweating bullets, sitting in front of him only in my underwear, trying desperately to reach the wolf inside me and convince her to shift. But nothing. There was only silence. I was exhausted and frustrated but I couldn't give up. The man in front of me made that very clear.

"Close your eyes, turn everything off and focus on her, your wolf," he said, much more gentle this time, probably seeing how hopeless I was. "The shift is the key to progress. Once you can shift on your own, you can start becoming one with your wolf. That will enhance your senses, strength and general abilities. Without this, you'll never get where you need to be. You're as good as a human," he explained to me once again just like he did for the past three days. I nodded, not wanting to snap at him. I was in no position to do that. It was interesting how two and half months in Winterlands did what my dad never could. They rendered my temper nonexistent. Well, it was still there, bubbling underneath the surface, but self-preservation wouldn't let it take over. Just because these people took me in didn't mean I was guaranteed to stay. Especially not as useless as I currently was and if I talked back.

I closed my eyes and followed Devan's instructions, looking for the wolf version of me. I knew she was there, sleeping, waiting for the most inconvenient time to wake up as always. But I needed her now. I took a deep breath and another and another. I stopped thinking about the time, or Devan and his piercing stare. And then, suddenly, I felt it. It was subtle, just a second, but it was there. The light brush of her fur against my core. As if I poked her and she stirred. I opened my eyes wide to see Devan's lips turn into a slight smile.

"I felt her," I whispered, slightly in awe. Nothing like this ever happened before. To the people here, it was probably pathetic, but to me? Even this slightest hint of control was amazing.

"I know. I could tell by the way your eyes shifted when you opened them. Try it again," he encouraged me and I did as he said. It took another countless minutes for me to get back into the headspace I was supposed to be in, but when I did, I was rewarded by another small response. Devan urged me to continue for the rest of the afternoon until dinner. I didn't make anymore progress than that, but even that was a small miracle.

I managed to shower just before dinner and as I was drying my hair, I looked at myself in the mirror. It's been three weeks since I lived here. A little over a week since I agreed to Devan's deal. I no longer looked like I was on death's doorstep. My cheeks finally had a bit of color, I gained some weight since Devan had me eat more than anyone else to keep my energy up. The dark circles under my eyes were almost gone as well. I cut my hair short, barely to my shoulders, just enough to make two small french braids for training. Still, the girl who once looked back at me in the mirror was long gone. My skin was now paler due to lack of sunlight, my features hardened. I looked older, more adult.

"Here, take these," Devan handed me about five small bottles with various colored pills as I left the bathroom. "Take one of each everyday," he instructed me.

"What are they?" I asked, examining the small bottles.

"Different kinds of vitamins and other supplements. They should help your muscles regenerate faster and also help you with the shift and overall development. Now that you managed to reach your wolf, they should have the best possible results," he explained.

"Thank you," I said, "for everything."

"Don't mention it. Let's get you something to eat," was his only response as we walked over to the kitchen to grab our food.

I sat down in the corner next to the bookshelf, a spot I got used to sitting at whenever we were eating. Guys would all sit on a couch for most of the meals, except Demi and Lucia who often found a private space on the opposite side of the room instead. Well, it wasn't exactly private. We could still see them and I was pretty sure that boys could hear anything they said clear as a day, but nobody ever said anything or dared to disturb their little moments. I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for Lucia and Demi to live like this. They were mates, yet they had no space only to themselves. Everything I knew about mates and their bonds was just how possessive they were, how hard it was to stay away from each other. But if these two ever felt bad about this, they didn't show it.

There was an overall massive amount of mutual respect and trust within the group. It was mind blowing to me considering they were a group of wolves. Back at home, we were all always five seconds away from a fight. Friends or not, while I had an extremely short fuse, it hardly meant my friends were much calmer. Especially as young as we all were. I didn't know how old everyone here was. I never asked. But none of them looked older than twenty five. At least as far as I could tell. Devan seemed to be the oldest, while Lucia always struck me as the youngest of the group. I made a mental note to ask one day. It was just another thing on a long list of my questions I was still gathering courage to ask.

They treated me nice. Like I was one of them almost. They shared their food with me, their home. Devan was spending most of his days teaching me to be useful, as he would put it. I did my part around the house and kept my head down, doing my best to not upset them. Last thing I'd want was for them to change their minds and cast me back out into the snow. But there was still an invisible wall separating us. One that I was likely responsible for much more than them. Sometimes, I felt like I've seen them trying to say something. To maybe ask. But ever since Connor confronted me on my origin, none of them dared to say anything else. They were giving me space. All the while I was too much of a coward to speak up. Because whenever I did decide to break those walls, I heard the woman from the tunnels, her warning and her betrayal. I couldn't risk it again.

After the meal, I helped Nolan with boarding the windows from the inside and to put the fire out. I was exhausted just like every day for the past almost a month. My training routine, combined with my usual chores, was taking every bit of my energy. I only knew it was getting slightly easier because I could at least climb up the ladder to our bedroom now without my muscles screaming in agony. Still, when I reached the pile of furs on top and managed to lie down on my new spot between Devan and Demi, basically separating the girls and the boys, I let out a small sigh of relief. And for the next twenty minutes or so, I lied there, under a thin blanket, surrounded by the body heat of a group of wolf giants next to me, as I stared up at the sky, the moon and the stars above us through that skylight, thinking about home, about mom and dad, Sheyla and Olivia, hoping they were all okay and wishing there was a way to let them know that I was still here, alive and doing alright, until I fell asleep.