Children of Night and Snow

72. Time

"You will need to face him at some point, you know that right?" Lucia said while we were looking through a pile of clothes in one of the shops on the main street. It was such a mundane task, but one I didn't even think of ever doing again when I first came to Winterlands. And while I used to be an expert shopper back in Summerlands, now I was just mindlessly rummaging through clothes, not really paying attention. It didn't seem that important compared to everything else in my life right now. Yet, we did need new clothes since all we had were a few pieces of old gym clothes from Duskfall.

"I know. I just need to sort things in my own head first," I replied as I threw a bunch of shirts into our basket. They were plain, but cheap and comfortable. Something was telling me that I wouldn't really have much time to wear fancy stuff with the Army being my new job and until the first paycheck came in, I couldn't afford anything expensive anyway.

"Nolan will be fine, Freya. He knows how you feel better than any of us. He would never stand between you and Az," Lucia sighed from the other side of the clothing rack.

"It just doesn't feel right, Luc," I said without even looking at her. I didn't want to discuss this in public. Or in private. Because I didn't really know how to say what was going on in my head anyway.

"You don't like Az?" she looked at me with a look that clearly showed she wouldn't buy such an excuse if I tried it. It made me chuckle.

"It's not about me liking Az. There is just so much left unspoken and unsolved. Nolan and I never got a proper closure. And..." I paused suddenly, struggling to find words to explain. I could feel Lucia's questioning eyes on me, but the words just left me.

"It's complicated," I said finally. She just shook her head, a clear sign she was not buying it. But how could I explain to her the chaos that brewed inside my soul? How could I explain that despite everything, despite actively choosing to leave for Midnight City instead of trying to go back South, that despite the next to non-existent chance I could ever go back and see all the people I've left behind, and despite the fact big part of me never wanted to go back for so many reasons, there was still a tiny piece of my heart beating loudly, screaming at me that the moment I accept Az, it would be the final nail in the coffin of my past life. The final goodbye I wasn't yet ready to give. As pathetic as it may have sounded.

"Hey Luc, do you know why there is heat coming off from the sidewalks?" I asked my redhead friend as the two of us walked towards a train station after all the shopping was done. The streets were busy now, with many people leaving their jobs and meeting up with friends and families for drinks and food. It was a sight I knew all too well. It was something we would do after long school days in Moonvalley. One day, when we got to know these streets, bars and restaurants, it was likely I'd be one of these people, hanging out with my friends after a mission.

"Oh Aaron explained that to me actually. There is a system of enchanted hot springs running beneath the entire city. It keeps the sidewalks and roads warm, so that the snow melts fast and it's safer to walk on. It also keeps the city warmer," Lucia replied and I simply nodded. Nearly everything about Midnight city was wondrous. People here were born and died without ever seeing the sun. Instead they grew up running around in the streets decorated by floating magical lights and with enchanted springs keeping the roads warm beneath their feet. They lived their lives beneath an eternally dark night sky, with only the stars, the moon and northern lights to look up to. In the shadow of the palace made of obsidian stone and ice, surrounded by skyscrapers and protected by mountains and an obsidian wall which were hidden from outsiders' eyes by ancient magic.

And this city, so beautiful and yet so cruel, was my new home. One I swore to protect at the cost of my own life. I had my own friends and family here. A small unofficial pack amongst so many other packs coexisting in harmony at this werewolf capital of the World. This new reality of mine still didn't fully sink in. It felt like my mind and my heart were still on the road. Still unsure if this was the last stop on my journey. I didn't say anything else after we boarded the train at the central station and began our forty minute journey back to our neighborhood. But my mind was racing a mile a minute, my thoughts a chaos I couldn't make sense of.

We got home first, with everyone else still out in the city running errands, I made my way into my room to put my new clothes away. My back was still a little sore, letting me know that I needed much more rest before we were set to start our jobs in the military in a week. I made a mental note to go to bed early today, ideally right after dinner. Hopefully I would be able to do at least some light workout the next day. It didn't matter that I made it past the tests, I was painfully aware that I was physically nowhere near to where I should be. And any day I missed the gym was a day too much. Maybe one day it'll change, but not anytime soon.

"Yeah?" I heard a knock on my room door and made my way to open them.

"Az," I whispered, his scent hitting me so hard I nearly stumbled backwards. It was astounding to me how I never noticed before I learnt what he was to me. Was my own trauma really so bad that it prevented the bond snapping into place despite us being so close for months? It seemed impossible, but then again, here we were. And I wasn't ready to face just how much damage the events of the past year left on me.

"Can I come in?" he asked, seemingly ignorant of my obvious reaction to him. I nodded without even thinking about it. Because if I did think straight, I wouldn't have done that. I wasn't ready to be in the same room with him alone.

"What-" I started but he stopped me before I could say anything else.

"We need to talk, Freya. About us," he said, cutting me off.

"Not now, Az. Not yet. Nolan is right there and-" I started not even sure if Nolan was home yet but he was having none of it.

"That's bullshit, Freya and you know it! Nolan knows now, he isn't dumb to expect you'll just ignore the pull! At least be fucking honest if you're gonna stall this and torture us both," Az hissed. He was angry, surrounded by that menacing dark aura of his. I stood there, looking at him while tears burned in my eyes. I hated this. I hated seeing him so upset. He sighed and shook his head before leaving me alone in the room without another word.

The moment his scent around me weakened, my resolve did too and I could feel those tears stream down my cheeks. I may have now been a strong fighter, a good thief, a killer even, yet I felt so weak and powerless once again, this time for very different reasons. I could sense Devan behind me. He approached silently as always and was now leaning against the door frame. I could practically see the concern in his eyes despite having my back turned on him.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked without looking at him, but I knew he was listening. "I was convinced I would never find a mate. That mine was somewhere in the Summerlands, because I was never meant to be here. And now I have him and I..." I sobbed as Devan closed the distance between us and pulled me into a hug.

"Finding a mate is a blessing, but that doesn't always mean it's all simple once you do. Tell me, little one, what are you really afraid of? Is Az too much for you still?" he asked me once I calmed down a little.

"No, he isn't. At least I don't think he is," I shook my head. Azazeal had his darker sides. But then so did Nolan. And the rest of them. And even me since I chose to follow them on their path. I was never scared of them, only of myself and what I was turning into.

"Talk to me, Freya," Devan put his hand on my shoulder.

"It's just... my life. Everything is changing so fast. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the people I left behind and now here I am, so far away and if Az and I... if we mate then I'll be tied to this place even more and it's not like I want to leave or anything, but..." I didn't know how to explain how I felt. There were no words for it. Once again I found myself falling silent.

"Give it time then. Just give it time," he gave me a reassuring smile, something he almost never did.

***
I can't believe this, but we now only have an epilogue left! For any of you who was willing to read this thing, thank you! Any comments or votes are greatly apprecited and really help an unknown author such as myself so please consider doing them to support me. I will see you all for Epilogue of book 1 in a few days!

-Manon