Children of Night and Snow

53. Not The Same

For the first time since I met her, I've seen Demi utterly hopeless. She was the healer of our group. Yet right now she seemed to have forgotten all her skills as she sat by her mate and howled in agony. I couldn't imagine how she must have felt. We all gathered around the two injured members of our little pack. I noticed all of us had a fair share of minor scratches, but nothing else was severe enough to limit us in movement.

"How far are we from the nearest campsite?" I heard Devan ask. I could tell he was analyzing the situation. We all were. Connor and Lucia were in no shape to walk. We'd have to carry them. And if we were too far from another cave, there was no saying if we'd make it. All of us were too exhausted. And if we did carry them, it would mean we'd have to remain in shelter for at least two or three days before we could go further. And that was assuming we could even nurse them back to health on the stuff we had with us be it food or medication.

"I don't care. I'm not leaving them. If it means you leave me behind, so be it," Demi said, leaving no room for argument.

"Nobody's leaving anyone behind. We should be a few hundred feet away from the nearest viable shelter. The mountain pass ends just behind that corner. We'll carry them there," Aaron replied before anyone else could speak.

"Nolan and you are in the best shape right now. You should carry them," Az said to his brother who only nodded and walked over to Lucia and Demi, who helped him push her mate up on his back. The twins did the same with Connor who made it much easier because he was conscious and was able to partially lift himself up.

In all this mess, the one thing that thankfully went in our favor was that the snow stopped falling completely and we could see clearly the road ahead. Still the next six hundred feet felt so much longer than they should have as we slowly walked towards our next shelter, all of us on high alert, praying that there were no more hungry attackers waiting for us behind the corner. 

Once we finally reached the cave, which much to our luck was so deep our scent would likely not make it to the outside World if we stayed put, Demi came back to her senses and once we all shifted she quickly began her work. Nolan and I offered our help while the twins and Devan started the fire and started preparing our dinner.

"They need fresh meat," Demi announced once we cleaned all the deep wounds and she sewn and bandaged both Lucia and Connor up. They were now both lying near the fire, dressed in their warmest clothes, with any other clothes we could spare underneath them to bring as much comfort as possible.

"We all do. But we also need to rest. I'll take twins and we'll go in the morning. We will need some wood too," Devan replied to her. I had no idea what time it was, but I was exhausted.

"I'll take the first watch. I don't think I'll wake up once I fall asleep," I said and nobody seemed to object. My bones and muscles ached as I got up and grabbed my portion of dried food for dinner, but I was relieved to be out of that mountain pass and back in my human skin for a while. After three days as a wolf, we were now going to spend the next few days in our human skin as we took on another leg of our journey.

As I reached the very edge of the cave, I made myself comfortable in the dark corner hidden away from the outside elements while still maintaining a solid view of the outside and I ate in silence while I watched the moon up on the now clear night sky. The taste of blood was still lingering in my mouth, a reminder of what happened mere hours earlier not so far away from here. I had no doubt that all of those wolves were now dead, buried under all that snow. And for at least one of them, I was the killer. I should have felt horrible, but I couldn't. At least not nearly as much as I felt days ago, when I killed the nameless woman. Maybe it was because it wasn't my life I was defending. Maybe all the horrors and fear of the past week turned me numb. I didn't know, but I was grateful for it.

"I owe you an apology," Nolan spoke behind me. I was so lost in my own thoughts I didn't notice him until he began talking. So much for being on the watch. How irresponsible.

"For what?" I asked without looking at him. Despite everything, I was still upset. It was childish and pointless. I knew that. Still I couldn't let go.

"For not believing in you. For wanting to send you back south," he said as he approached and sat next to me, but didn't reach to touch me, giving me space. I stayed silent for a while longer, thinking my answer over, my eyes still on the moon and the stars shining brightly in the sky.

"There were times when I first met you, when all I wanted was to go back. Whenever I had a moment to stop and think, Summerlands and the people I left behind were the only thing on my mind," I said finally, not really sure where I was going with it.

"What changed?" he asked.

"I did," I replied. "I still miss them. Every single day. I don't think I'll ever stop. But..."

"That doesn't mean you can just go back," he finished the sentence for me and I nodded.

"Life goes on. For all of us. If I went back, maybe I would find the people I left behind, but I wouldn't be the person who left. And all that time apart, all that happened while I was gone, I can never catch up with that." I could practically see it. It's only been a few months but the difference between them and I, it would be impossible to reconcile. Let's say I'd convince Colin to let me stay, to pardon me. I'd return to my life, go back to school, first few weeks people would be curious, I'd answer all their questions, tell them stories about the strange land they've only ever heard in legends and myths, about it's people and the way they face death every single day. But once I've told all the stories, once life goes back to normal, suddenly I'd stick out like a sore thumb. Taller, stronger than anyone. I'd be hot all the time.

And my friends? They'd still go out for afternoons in shopping malls, getting their nails and hair done while complaining about homework and all the things that happened while I was gone. Things I couldn't comment on because I wasn't there to live through them. And they'd be understanding those first few weeks but after that? When I'd still find their shallow gossip and cries over missed clothing sales ridiculous, when all I can think of is how I nearly died, how the people I left here may not be okay, what then?

"I spent most of my life in the Summerlands. But a few months here took away all I was back there. Going back wouldn't solve anything anymore," I said and leaned against my knees.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Nolan put his hand on my back and gave me an encouraging smile.

"Yeah. Besides, I'd get one family back only to miss the one I'd leave here," I returned him a smile of my own. There was sadness in mine, but he said nothing else. There was nothing he could say. He didn't know. None of them did. It was my curse alone to bear. Forever stuck in the World where my heart is torn between two places. Destined to always miss one while living at the other. No matter where I lived, the longing for the other place and the people there would never leave me. It was a bittersweet feeling. Some days I was grateful to have had the chance to live my childhood elsewhere. Others it was the heaviest burden, crushing my heart with unbearable weight of sorrow.