Children of Night and Snow

18. Inside Your Soul

September turned into October. Weeks were going by and my birthday was just behind the corner. Not that anyone in this house knew. My training was progressing far more rapidly now, with the stuff Devan gave me. It's been approximately three and half weeks since I started taking them and I could already tell the difference. My body was getting significantly stronger, my usual training routine was no longer as exhausting and I was getting through it much faster. Sometimes, Lucia and Demi would wake up early and join me, though they would do at least four times as much as I did in the same amount of time.

Then there was the question of my shift. Devan made it clear that doing a full shift on my own will was the key breaking through I needed in order to progress further in my training. I had to become one with my wolf in order to access the abilities of one. And I've made progress. I could now feel my wolf whenever I tried to reach for her. She was there, stirring in her sleep. Devan had me do this on repeat multiple times a day, whenever I remembered. During our focused training sessions, I would occasionally summon my canines. But so far, that was it. But whenever I'd get frustrated, he would just tell me to go cool off and cut the training short, reminding me that there was no victory in losing control and shifting out of emotion.

"I'm so useless," I sighed, doing my best to keep my cool. I didn't want to cut yet another session short. It would be the third one this week. And after so many wasted opportunities, I was determined to squash my temper with my ambition, yet another trait dad used to say could be my downfall if I weren't careful.

"Whining won't get you anywhere. Focus," Devan ordered.

"I'm trying. I really am," I replied, forcing myself to calm down and not snap at him.

"But you are dividing your effort between keeping your frustration in check and this. You won't get there if you can't give it your full attention. If you want to progress, you have to let go of the other distractions," he said with patience I couldn't comprehend he had. If it were me, I'd kick my own ass by now.

"Okay, let me try," I sighed, pushing another wave of frustration and desire to snap at him away. Instead, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something else first. Something to calm me down, to take the anger away. This was something dad was trying to teach me for years. Think happy thoughts kind of approach. But I was too stubborn for that to work. Stubborn and stupid. I would yell and kick things saying it doesn't work instead of even properly trying. But what else could I try now?

I took a deep breath and let my memories carry me back home. Back on the beach on our lake, to the days when I was happy and carefree. It was just me, Sheyla and Olivia. We were laughing and splashing water at each other, swimming and diving around. The icy water and the warmth of the sun above us taking all the anger, sadness and frustration away. I climbed up on the pier and sat there, on the edge, my feet just barely touching the water surfaces as I watched my two best friends laughing nearby.

"Noyla! Come back in the water!" Olivia called out for me just as Sheyla jumped on her, taking them both under water. I smiled, my hands ready to push off a wooden surface so I could join them, but then I halted as I felt presence behind me. I turned around with an equal amount of fear and curiosity to see a wolf approaching me. She had fur so light, it was closer to white than brown and she stared at me with big hazel eyes. Fascinated by the predator right in front of me, the World around us disappeared, my friends' laughter became a distant echo until it was completely gone. I took an unsure step towards the wolf. My wolf. She stood there, her eyes buried into mine, proud and beautiful. Afraid she might disappear or run away, I took my time approaching her. But she didn't move. She was right there, waiting for me.

"Hi," I whispered as I kneeled in front of her, slowly reaching out to pet her. There was curiosity in her gaze as she bowed down her head, allowing me better access. I took that as a yes to close our distance. Her fur felt so soft underneath my fingers and she leaned in, closing her eyes, wiggling her tail a little. "Nice to finally meet you," I smiled.

My eyes shot wide open. I could feel my canines, there were claws instead of nails on my fingers. My vision seemed sharper. I didn't shift. Not fully. But this was the most progress I've made. And the wolf within me was fully awake now. I suddenly didn't have to reach out to feel her. She was just there. I looked at Devan, who had a victorious smile across his face.

"Why are you smiling? I didn't shift," I said when I managed to tear my gaze away from the claws on my fingers.

"No but there is only your own fear stopping you now. You are so very close," he replied.

"My fear? But I'm not afraid of her," I was confused. I didn't feel any fear. I didn't feel any negative emotion at all right then. I was excited and happy.

"It's subconscious. The shift is actually incredibly painful. You didn't feel it before because you only turned when other strong emotions clouded your receptors. On your own, the shift, especially the first few are nowhere near as fast. You have to will yourself to break nearly every bone in your body, to give control to the beast within. That's why we learn all this as kids, when we're more fearless. The older you get, the harder it is," Devan explained.

"So, you're telling me that now I have to choose to go through unbearable pain in order to make this work?!" I looked at him, absolutely horrified.

"If you want to stick to your end of the deal, get stronger and finish your training, yes that's exactly what you must do," he shrugged and it took everything in me not to vomit right there on the spot. What the hell did I get myself into?!