Children of Night and Snow

61. Holding On And Letting Go

Time was flying by as we settled into our new routines at the outpost. Days quickly turned into weeks while we endlessly trained for what was to come in mere a few months. Az wasn't a kind teacher. While Devan, Nolan and Connor were tough, he took it to another level. Everyday he took me to the very limits. But I didn't complain. Not after our first training session. The lesson he taught me that day was still fresh in my memory. I would still get frustrated. Especially the more exhausted I got as the day went by. But I also realized that was part of it. Learning to reign it in, to take control when my emotions get the best of me and overcome the blindness and recklessness that comes with them. He didn't teach me any new moves. Nolan covered that base back in Duskfall. We just kept engraving them into my memory in a brutal dance of our daily exercise.

We were mere weeks away from Spring Equinox now. Back in the Moonvalley, the first festival of the year would soon take place. Humans and inhumans from all over would gather and build their stalls for the annual Spring market, piles upon piles of wood would be gathered for a bonfire. Moonvalley hunters would go hunt for the big feast. Boys and girls would carve lucky charms and make flower crowns to wear as nature begins to blossom with colors.

But I wouldn't get to see any of that. There was no time for a market and a bonfire and a feast at the military outpost which barely had enough to cover the basic needs. No flowers for a crown would ever grow from the permanently frozen ground beneath the eternally midnight sky. And me? Instead of traditional dances, I practiced very different kinds of moves. There was nothing cheerful or gracious about it like I was used to only a year ago. It was actually the very opposite. Instead of showing love and gratitude, I was teaching myself to hide my emotions, to lie and deceit, to read people and predict them just so I can react unexpectedly and take an advantage of them. Instead of light twirls in the sun, I was learning how to take down an enemy with force and precision, quiet and unseen under cover of the dark.

The woman I was becoming under Az' watch was slowly but surely chipping away the last remnants of the girl I once was. Girl, whose name I no longer remembered. Despite the fact that only months separated her and I, she seemed so distant now. And so did the life she once led, her pains and struggles, her happiness and naive view of the World. All but a memory so distant, there were nights when I lied in bed wondering if any of it happened at all or if it was just a lie in the end. I wanted to hold onto her, to mourn her and to miss her, but it was so hard. And while I desperately held onto these last straws, I began to forget why I was holding onto them to begin with. Because that girl couldn't help me get through this. She didn't belong in this place. So why hold her here? Why force her to stay?

"Cover your face!" Az ordered sternly, but not before he punched me square in the nose, causing me to stumble backwards with a minor nosebleed. I barely had time to dodge his next attack which meant I was soon on the ground, him pushing me into the mat with his full body weight. I knew by now, that this hardly meant the fight was over. Az didn't play like that. No, I had to get out of this mess myself. This was proving significantly harder everyday, because he knew me by now and could predict my previously used moves, such as biting into his arm. And when you have a giant wolf sitting on your back, holding your hands and pushing you down, your options are incredibly limited. Running out of ideas, I decided to try and shift underneath him.

"Okay, stop that," he said once he could feel my bones crack beneath my skin. Next thing I knew he was helping me stand up.

"Why did you let me go?" I asked, surprised. He's never let me go before.

"Because what you were trying was pointless," he replied.

"How so? I would have knocked you off my back, wouldn't I?" I didn't understand what he meant.

"Sure and then what? If this were a real fight, what would come after? You'd be stuck in wolf form because turning back would leave you naked and incredibly vulnerable. And you aren't exactly skilled as a fighter in your wolf form." He had a point. Of course he did. But then again, if it were a real fight, I would have likely used all the other stuff I've used in the past weeks. Distractions, biting, scratching. But I didn't voice that thought. Something was telling me that he would have none of it. So I bit my tongue.

"Oh," was all I managed to get out in response. Blood finally stopped dripping down my nose.

"You are reckless, you don't think ahead and you make the basic mistakes, especially when your emotions get the best of you," Az looked at me, his expression unreadable. I felt like I was back at high school for a moment, which stung. I hated feeling like a child. Especially because after what I've been through, I no longer saw myself as one.

"Sorry," I swallowed all my pride as I looked down.

"I don't need your apologies, Freya. I need you to leave your pride at the door when you enter this room every morning. Because there is no point in me teaching you what you aren't willing to learn. This isn't a playground. You won't get another shot at this. It's your life," he said. This time I was certain there was disappointment. Which only made me feel worse.

"I know," I whispered. I hated this. Working out, learning to use my abilities, it was tough, but I could do it. It was something I could learn without facing myself, the person I was inside. This was different. And I may have been doing my best hiding my emotions, but they still clouded my judgement, when it was all I could focus on. And Az saw it.

"Let's go. Dinner's about to start soon," he mumbled as he walked out of the gym and headed for our dorm, or bedroom, or whatever it was called since all eight of us were sharing it, sleeping on those horrible bunk beds. I wordlessly followed him.

Our evenings were now the same for weeks. We'd shower, get the group together and go to dinner, where we would sit quietly and eat our food. It was always a silent intimidation contest during meals. We'd sit straight, keep our thoughts and expressions to ourselves as we ate. No looking down. And no staring at others. The goal was simple. Show no fear and demand respect with your presence. Everyone in my group seemed to do this naturally, but it took me a few days before I followed their footsteps.

After dinner we'd finally relax. I'd go swim sometimes. Nolan would usually tag along and just sit on the edge and watch me. Once or twice twins even joined me. The pool was usually completely empty. Swimming classes were likely a luxury that nobody here could afford. If they did, they probably wouldn't be stuck here to begin with after all. The water calmed my nerves and helped me relax my aching muscles after long days of endless training. But still most of the days I would stay in the safety of our room, watching the guys play poker, occasionally joining in. And during those times, I took it as a practice. How to hide my emotions. How to control myself.

And then, when the lights went out and it was time to go to sleep, I'd curl up next to Nolan and savor the few precious moments we shared, just the two of us, in the darkness, before the sleep took our consciousness away. We barely spoke these days. There just wasn't time. Sometimes we'd steal a few precious moments of intimacy together in the shower, but other than that and falling asleep next to each other, we had no time. I felt guilty and I could tell it was bothering him, but we both knew there was no other way. It would all be worth it in the end. In a few months we'd pass the big test and then it would all be okay.

Not that I had any idea what was waiting on the other side. But I had to hope. Nolan was my first serious relationship since Colin. And there was no honeymoon stage for us. Living in close quarters with six other people made many things next to impossible. But we had no choice. Just like Lucia and Demi, we had to just deal with it at the time. And now? Believing that things would get better was all I had.