Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 26: the morning after

AN: this is the third part of the triple update, read the other's beforehand.

Francesca's POV:

Nightmares are cruel. They're your deepest fears and your mind plays a harsh game, bringing them out to play as a form of torture. Whilst in a vulnerable sleep, the thoughts you've pushed down finally surface, letting one out at a time – not only reliving something, but also your own thoughts echoing around you whilst it's happening, making the situation much worse. Sickening and gut wrenching.

I didn't have a nightmare last night. I expected it, and I was dreading even letting sleep capture me for another night, but it didn't happen. After what happened last night, I expected the worse to happen but to my surprise I woke up, laid next to Ethan in bed, my voice pained from crying, but no recollection of a dream or nightmare of any sort.

Last night surprisingly wasn't the worst night of my life, the night in July still ranks number one, but it comes in at number two. I've never been so terrified, so helpless and weak. I felt like every minute I trained to protect myself was wasted because I couldn't protect myself, I was frozen and all I could do was try and scream but that made things worse.

I know many people have it worse, and for that I sympathize massively because what I'm feeling is a hurt in my heart I can't describe, I feel used and violated like I was useless. I feel useless now. And in the bigger picture, people do have it worse – but I repeat in my brain something Ethan once told me.

If everyone's problems were smaller or bigger than the others, there would be only one person on this planet whose problem mattered. So no matter how big or small, your problems still matter.

I still feel petty and selfish for complaining though, but that is my own personal battle because since I was a child, I haven't really let myself wallow, or let people in on my problems so talking about things always feel small.

I've been awake an hour already, and I've just been laid in my own thoughts which sure isn't remotely healthy, but this time I was just trying digest everything.

Ethan's arms tighten their hold around me as he stirs in his sleep, and though last night I flinched at every move he made, I don't mind it. Last night I was so numb, shocked and scared of everything that moved. Now, now I'm okay, not great at all, I'm hurt and a broken, but I'm not flinching away from the guy that I trust my life with.

"Hmm Fran-Francesca?" His voice is rough yet soft with his morning voice, but still comes out quizzically, and I hum, turning my body to see his face properly, his stubble more visible. "You're awake."

"Yeah, I've been awake an hour." I whisper, ducking my head down on his chest and he hesitates to put his arm around me. "Please Ethan, don't stop doing things and being yourself around me, I know you're being careful, but I trust you and I want things to be normal, this isn't normal."

"I'm sorry, I just- I don't know what I can and can't do with you now. It's uncharted territory." He says with a sigh, and I reach my hand up to his face, cupping his jaw.

"It's uncharted territory for me too, I don't know when's too soon for me to act normal and move on if I can, or what. I'm so confused, hurt and broken, but having your arms around me – just a little bit of normalcy." I say and he finally does, and I sigh in response feeling comfort and safe – my safety net.

"Dare I ask how you slept last night?" He asks.

"Good, not amazingly because it's not your big, comfy bed, but I didn't have another nightmare." I whisper.

"You didn't?" He asks, surprise evident in his tone.

"No, I'm shocked too. I expected to, but I didn't, and I'm unsure why." I say, playing with his fingers.