Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 31: snowing in NYC

When I dream, I wake up the next morning dazed, confused and tired – I've not fully rested since the incident in July. Ever since my sleep has been consumed by nightmares, sometimes different, but always linked to that same night.

Whereas most of them start in the same place, I'm panicking and feeling claustrophobic, this time Ethan was there with me. I don't know if that made it better or worse because all he did was stand and watch as it all took place.

Thankfully it didn't continue on too long, he had woken me up, looking worried because when he did, I was visibly shaking in bed, sweat beads rolling off my forehead, but all he asked was that if I were okay as he wiped my tears, settling me back down which took longer than usual.

All I replied with was, I'm fine.

I wasn't fine in the moment, I was still short of breath and terrified whilst reverting back to reality, but now, now it's nearly half an hour later. We've not moved since we woke, he's just held me close, him being the big spoon, his arms cradled around my waist, and every so often he whispered to check in on me, pressing kisses to my shoulder blade.

"Do you want to try sleep?" He asks, his voice rough yet soft – his morning voice is something else, it's nothing I can truly describe.

"I'm okay." I whisper, smiling when I feel his lips press against my shoulder once again. A simple yet effective gesture.

"It's only six, are you sure?" He checks, and I nod even though the time is making me want to cry. I never used to be a morning person and I still aren't, but I don't think I'd cope with another nightmare, so I'm not going to take the risk.

"Yeah, um, I'm awake now anyway. You can go to sleep though, I'll go on TikTok, you know how time flies when you're on there." I muse, and he chuckles deeply, moving his hand to my waist, and he rolls my body towards him, so my left cheek is now pressed against his chest, and I glance up at him. He's a sight to behold, and truly makes my insides melt just from his teddy bear exterior.

If he only knew that I think of him as a teddy bear and a drama queen, he would no longer want to be my boyfriend. It's no lie though, he acts like a big teddy bear that just wants warm hugs. From the outside though, he's someone I'd definitely avoid – I'm a girl to judge a book by its cover which is one of my biggest personal pet-peeves because I automatically presume someone with tattoos, muscles and a potty mouth are bad. In this case, my presumption couldn't be more wrong.

He's just a dramatic teddy bear, with a soft spot for hitting people and cussing them out.

"I've been thinking." I start, and he groans, tipping his head back.

"Don't think, nothing good comes from doing that." He mutters, and I burst out laughing. Drama queen at its finest.

"Shut up, just listen. I want to lay with you here for a couple hours because I'm loving this peace and quiet, but I'd love to go explore with you before it hits noon because it's going to be busy. I don't have too many plans but I really want to go see the Rockefeller Tree with you, that's all I ask." I beg with him because that's all I care about right now.

"You really love Christmas, don't you?" He smiles down at me.

"Yeah, it's my favorite holiday. It's weird not being with family like I used to be, but... I like what we're doing, I've loved this so far. You braided my hair; I painted your nails and we watched the best Christmas movie of all time. We're here in New York, and it's just the beginning." I say, taking his hand – still not over the size of the humungous things – smiling down at the painted nails.

"I think you've forgotten about what we did in the shower, baby." He murmurs, and I graze my lip with my teeth, hiding the shy smile as my cheeks glow, his eyes still gazing into mine.