Surviving You

07: Journal Entry #4

Journal Entry #4

October 24th

A month and a half since

Hey Ally. This is the first time I've actually addressed you in these journal entries. At least, formally addressed you. My therapist agreed that this was a good way to talk about my feelings and express myself. You know better than anyone how much I struggle to express myself. Today was my first therapy session. Raven and Julia booked it for me, they're worried about me. I guess staying in bed for a month and a half straight isn't the healthiest. Who knew? I'm sorry. Today has been a lot and I'm trying to hold it together the best I can. I've done enough crying at my therapy session to last a lifetime. God, I never used to cry. Now I feel like it's all I do. I wake up to an empty bed and I cry, I stay in bed and cry, I force myself out of bed and into the kitchen and I see your favourite coffee mug and I cry, I force myself to shower and see all your shampoos that haven't been touched and cry, I get dressed only to see that more than half our closet is filled with your clothes and I cry. I've just never felt so alone. I'm not good with being alone Ally, not since I've met you. Before you, all I ever wanted was to be alone but sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do just to spend another day with you. This apartment doesn't feel like home anymore. My therapist suggested maybe I should start to look for a new place to stay but I can't do it. It's too soon. Everyone wants me to get better so quickly but what don't they understand? It's only been a month and a half. I'm not ready to move on. I don't want to move on. I dream of you every night. It's the only time I ever feel happy. You're so vivid, so real, it's almost like I'm not even dreaming at all. It's almost like, for a short period of time, none of this happened, that you're still here, with me and that all of this was just imagined and I'll wake up to you safely asleep in my arms. I start school again in a week. I figured it would happily distract me from the hell my life has become. I'm sure I have lots of work to catch up on. I almost decided to take this year off, but what's the point of prolonging it? What's the difference between going back now or in a year? I'm still going to be heartbroken and depressed in a year. Nothing drastic will change, so might as well get on with it. Im tired. I'm exhausted. I can't sleep. And then minute I do sleep I'm consumed with you and awake in a panic, searching for you. My body can't keep doing this. Something needs to change. I love you Ally, never forget that. I'm always going to love you.

Forever yours, alex