Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 42: No Refunds

Lexa's woken in the night by the sound of rough gasping and movement. It's Clarke on her sleep mat on the other side of the tent, clearly having a nightmare.

"Ai hodnes," Lexa says softly, crouching over and touching her arm, shaking her very lightly. Raven sleeps on, undisturbed – apparently even without moonshine she is hard to wake. "Clarke, please, you're having a nightmare. Wake up."

Clarke stiffens, then her eyes open. "Lexa?" she says, voice a little croaky. She hugs Lexa fiercely. "You're alright. You're okay."

"I'm fine," Lexa promises, feeling sick at heart. "I'm fine." She looks at Clarke in the darkness, barely able to make out her face. "I did this, didn't I? This morning. You had stopped having these dreams and now they are back because of that."

"Maybe," Clarke admits wearily. "Or maybe it's because I'm not sleeping next to you. That's when they mostly stopped, after I started sharing this tent with you." There's a long pause. "I was going to leave it alone, I wasn't going to bring it up again. But I think I need to – I don't want to avoid talking about our problems, not if that means there's a chance they become bigger. So I need to say... I'm trying, but I still don't understand. Why did you do it, Lexa?" Clarke's voice is unexpectedly young and vulnerable. "Really? Why couldn't you trust me?"

"I made a mistake, Clarke, and I am truly sorry. I hurt you. I will not let that happen again." Lexa hears how her voice quavers and clears her throat, trying to control herself. "I should not be so over-emotional. Forgive me."

"You're allowed to makes mistakes, and you're definitely allowed to be emotional, but please still talk to me," Clarke says, sounding frustrated. "I lean on you all the time, can't you lean on me sometimes? And I ask you for help all the time too. You can ask me for help in return, you know. You could have asked for my help with Pike. I could have been a witness, at least."

"I'm not used to having someone I can trust," Lexa says softly. "I was alone. Especially once Gustus and Anya died, I was alone. I had you for only the briefest time. I am used to making decisions by myself, and sharing nothing with others – not my feelings and especially not my plans. I fell back into old habits. And... and I wished to protect you, I think. I have forced you to make terrible decisions before." She remembers the ruins of TonDC. She remembers Clarke's expression as she held a knife to Lexa's throat. "I wished to take that away from you. He was your friend, your ticha, before all of this. I wish to help with your burdens, not add to them."

"Oh," Clarke exhales, understanding. "You can't do that, Lexa. You can't protect me from who I am, and I'm always... I'm always going to be the person who makes those decisions, for my people or otherwise. Whether I'm the leader of the Skaikru, or the ambassador, or your advisor like we've planned. It doesn't matter where I end up, there's no version of this world where I don't have to make hard choices. So please, help me make them, but don't make them for me next time. And let me help you when you have to make them. You don't have to be the strong one in our relationship, this isn't a one-way street, you don't have to protect and comfort me and help me all the time while asking for nothing in return. Let me help you with your burdens too, and don't try and take mine from me and call that protection. That's not what I want. Next time, tell me what's going on."

"I will, Clarke," Lexa promises, after a long moment. She hadn't thought of it like that. Perhaps she's so used to being needed by others, she has trouble allowing herself to need. But she needs Clarke. "It's just... perhaps I have trouble believing that anyone could look at all I do and think and feel and still care for me."

"I'm the same as you. You need to remember that. I'm not as used to harsh choices as you are, and I know I've lashed out at you in the past, but I'm getting there. Please treat me like an equal, not like someone who needs to be lied to or coddled. I know you're a good person, Lexa. The best. You make impossible decisions and you do everything for everyone and you don't ask for anything in return, and you never even get thanked for it." Clarke kisses Lexa's cheek. "You amaze me and you inspire me. And I want all of you, the sadness and the ruthlessness and the weariness and the fear. I love Heda as much as I love Lexa. I want the bad as well as the good, okay? It's greedy, but I want it all. You're not going to lose me, no matter what. I'm here."