You Flaming Idiot, I Love You!

11

Gray

It's been a few days since we returned home. But no matter what I do, the guilt won't go away.

Sometimes I get this idea in my head that I'll treat someone a certain way. I tell myself, "This is what I'll say. This is how I'll act." But when I go and actually be with them, I always end up failing to live up to expectation.
I don't deserve to be around him after what I did.

"Gray!" I glimpse about as Juvia and I return to the guild. It's Lucy. "Can I talk to you for a bit?"
"Nooo!! Don't take my dear Gray-sama away from me, you..!" My arm numbs as she squeezes it, dramatic sobs escaping her mouth.
"It's okay, Juvia. Nothing's going to happen."
She frowns, wiping the tears from her eyes. "If Gray-sama says so..."
I smile, wishing it was this easy to get along with him.

"So... Looks like it's your turn to pull me aside and talk," I say. We've settled by the canal in front of her house. It feels nice to have my feet in the water. Laughing, she says, "It's only right that I return the favor."
"Favor?"
"You shared your secret, remember?"
Oh, no. How could I have forgotten?
"Before we go any further, can I ask you something?" I say.
"Of course."
"Is it still just you who knows?" Expect the unexpected.
Her eyes widen, only to look away. The gods have forsaken me.

"I'll admit... Mirajane did pick up on it when I was planning the mission with her."
If that's the case... then Mira must have thought I was taking him out or something!
Well... Technically I was, just without Natsu himself knowing. I mean you can always go out with just a friend, but—
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, totally! Haha..." She looks like she's had to deal with this before.
"Is it okay if Mira knows?"
"Well, now that she does, there's nothing I can do."
"I'm sorry..."
"It's fine. But..." Swallow. "Is there anyone else who knows besides you and Mira?"

When I see the I'm-in-trouble look on her face, I start plotting the next place I'll move to.
"Don't tell me it's the third person you mentioned in your flier." Silence follows.
I fold my hands over my head, staring my reflection down in the water.
"Why Erza too?" I say, practically crying as my gaze shifts back to her. She gets on her knees, bowing down.
"H-Hey!" I wave my hands, trying to calm her down as she draws more attention to us. "It's not really that big of a deal," I say. The situation called for a white lie.
"Well..." I continue. "It's gonna be hella awkward once I see them again."
"It doesn't have to be," she says with earnest, eyebrows furrowing. "Even though Mira, Erza and I feel apologetic on behalf of Juvia, we want you to be happy and stay true to your feelings. And if being happy means you need to get it off your chest to Natsu—"
"Are you kidding?" I say. "No way, I'm never..."

"...going to do that." Why is it...
"This is the perfect segway to what I wanted to talk to you about, actually."
"There's more?" I say. Should I ask to leave?
"Since you requested that I be completely honest earlier, is it okay if I ask the same for you?"
"Couldn't possibly refuse," I say. Squinting up at the sun as it flits through the passing clouds, I prepare for the interrogation.
"When you were on the mission, did Natsu ever seem sad to you at any point?"
My eyes shut at the sound of this. Should've known something like this would come up.
"He did. Why?"
"I tried to ask if he was okay, and he told me he was... even though he didn't look like it at all."
"Is that so?" The heaviness is returning.
She nods. "I could try to talk with him again, but I don't know if I should push his limits."
I stand up. "I'm sure he'll open up to you eventually. After all, you two are close friends, right?"
"I suppose. But I was hoping... Maybe you could talk with him as well?"

I smile, shaking my head. "I can't."
"Gray, you know I want the best for you two. I can't help but think-"
"Lucy." My nails sink into palms. "I just can't."

I can't stand the worry in her eyes as they watch me. "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to push anything further with him."

Right before I'm out of reach, she grabs the sleeve of my shirt.
"Please..." I grit my teeth at the strain in her voice. "I don't want to see you or Natsu like this any longer."
"It's too late. The damage was done."
She lets go.
"I know you most likely hold resentment toward me for sending you guys off on that mission, but Gray..." Her wrist is held with her other hand as she smiles. "Try to talk with him. I know it would benefit you both."
The passing people fade away as I try to picture him in my head. And something reaches into my chest, pulls out the weight from me.

And yet: "How about this... Talk with him one more time, and I'll consider telling him how I feel."
"Consider?"
"Yeah. I'm still too scared. But if you manage to lighten his spirits, I think he'll be in a better place—"
"You have to be direct with him. That's what my gut is telling me. Isn't yours, too?"
It is. "I've hurt him enough. I don't want to risk hurting him any more."
"The fight you had wasn't just physical, was it?"
"Harsh words were often exchanged. It's not like the animosity I felt toward him disappeared overnight. And even though I like him... It's hard to accept how I feel." I'm taken aback by my own honesty. It's strange, to have the words come out so easy after having to place them carefully in front of him.
"And the fact that I put you in that situation all day must have made things worse..."
My shoulders shrug. "What's said has been done."
She nods. "It makes sense to me why he would be hurt now. But don't feel guilty about it, okay?"
"That's a tall order, Lucy."

After this, we let the silence set in, along with everything we discussed.
"I'll do it." I stretch my arms as she turns to me.
"You don't have to confess right away, but... I get the feeling that he needs you to make amends. I've been worried and have tried my best to talk with him more, but he just hasn't opened up to me. I think it really is up to you."
"Yeah, yeah..." I hold out my arms. It doesn't take her too long to catch on.
"You're dangerously good at persuasion," I say. It feels good to get a laugh and a hug after all the seriousness.
"You'll be fine," she replies.
"Do you know where he might be? I haven't seen him at the guild, at least whenever I come back from missions."
"I bet you he's been at his house. I can give you directions if you don't know where it is."
"That'd be great. I've never been..." I swallow.

"Here." She prepares a slip, handing his info to me. "Are you going to go now?"
"I... might as well."
"You should."
I shift my weight from one side to the other, crack my neck. "I'll let you know when he kicks me out for confessing."
Instead of sighing, she smiles. I wonder why.
I wave goodbye without looking. There's a humming in my chest. Here goes.