You Flaming Idiot, I Love You!

9

Gray

"Off."
"What?"
"Get off the couch."
"Why?"
"I'm sleeping here."
My throat closes in on itself. No! That's what my heart is screaming out and slamming down.
"Natsu, it'll just be for one night—"
"What? What are you trying to say?"
"That it wouldn't be a big deal if we slept—"
I stop. My insides plunge. I open my mouth, only to close it again.
"Get off." It's trying not to shake, his voice.

I stay where I am. "No. We can't end the day like this."
"Like what?"
"Unfinished. Without a compromise."

He turns the other way. "Just let me sleep here, won't you?"
He's doing everything he can to hold it together. The world is sinking and closing in.

"What's so awful about sleeping with me?" I say.
"Gray... are you okay?"

My eyes are wide. I'm an idiot. A complete idiot.
I can't see his face. He's all contorted, hands in fists.
When he rises, I back away, against the couch. He snatches my collar and lifts it so hard it tears.
"Say it!"
I squeeze my eyes shut, gasp for air. 

"Say that I'm annoying you!" His voice is breaking. "Keep on shoving me away. Don't tell me anything else..." His grip loosens. "I can't stand it whenever you're nice to me..."
He lets go. A sob claws its way out of his throat. His head falls onto my shoulder. I stare at the ceiling. His arms cling onto me as if his life depends on it.

His face crushes further into me. "I don't know how to handle it..." His breaths shake along with his chest. "The way you've been treating me. The way... you've been acting." Every syllable enters me. "I've been trying... t-trying to bear with it all day..."
My mind drifts. To the smile on the beach. To the way his face tightened after a hurtful comment. The pauses of silence that followed.

"Okay," I say. My voice is the softest it will ever be. "You know what, Natsu?" 
He pulls away, looks at me. A glimmer of hope remains. I smile.
"You're right. You're the most annoying brat in the world. Nothing but a nuisance. I've done everything I can to be good to you, to treat you well, but all you do is drive me insane. And you know what else?"

"What?" he mouths. His eyes are blown open.
"I hate you." My smile grows. "All you'll ever be is just a burden to me."

He turns away.

"Happy now?" I say.
I take in the build of his arms. The way they shift when his hand clenches. 

"Please... let me sleep alone for today." 
How beyond the pink of his hair and the white of his scarf, a sliver of his nape shows when he faces the ground. "Take the bed then."
"Is that okay?"
How his calves narrow into his ankles, about to give out. "Yeah."
"Okay. Night, Gray."
"Good..."
His shoulders are raised. They shake as he moves to the door. The last glimpse I catch is the edge of his trembling smile.

"...night."

Natsu

It's pitch black. My hands clasp over my mouth. The shivers won't stop, even beneath the sheets of the bed.

I never knew how to deal with change very well. When Igneel disappeared. When the guild hall got remodeled. And now...

I now know the answer to the question I asked in the mirror. I wanted to see if he would deny my request. Deep down, I wanted him to tell me otherwise.
My teeth grit. A bitter taste seeps into my mouth. If you were anyone else, he wouldn't have said those things. But you will always be you.

I bring my knees to my chest. My head dips beneath the covers. 
It's made me realize something: I've never stopped to think about how much I'm hated before. How obnoxious I am. Lucy can't stand it whenever I get us into trouble. Erza's always disappointed in me. Happy must be sick of me after all this time if I make everyone else this miserable. My throat hurts at the sudden, surfaced truth. I can't breathe. I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore. 

I'm sorry, Gray. There's nothing I can do. Just put up with me for a little bit longer.
After today, I'll keep my distance. I'll know my place. I'll do whatever I can to rid myself of these feelings. I'll... 
Something cold presses against my back. My eyes widen.

"Natsu?"
What? It wasn't only me that was sobbing... shaking?
He pulls me closer. 

"Why..." His forehead presses against my neck.
"Why did you want me to say those things?"

I picture him smiling. Resting beside me in the grass. Hugging me in front of the shop. 
I open my mouth. Nothing comes out.

"I know it's too late, but..." He holds me tighter. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it. You're none of those things. I'm so sorry..." 
He breathes with me. His hand rests over my chest.
"Say something... please..."
I look down. The folds of the covers blur before my eyes.
"I wish I never agreed to apologize. You didn't deserve it."

Gray

I hold him tighter. My mouth smiles wide. 
"You're right. I didn't. You've been too good for me. I didn't know to deal with it." All I could do was hurt you.
I bury my nose in his hair, breathe in. It smells sweet, just like how I always imagined.
"Tomorrow, I'll go back to how I was before. I'll stop doing these things to you. I... can't imagine how uncomfortable you must be. After all the things I've done and said. Sorry isn't enough." The words tumble out of me, over themselves. I'm desperate.
I move my arms off of him, quietly, carefully. I shift the covers off me, climb out of bed. I walk to the other side. I'm biting my lip because I can't wait to see his sleeping face.

I find his eyes. They're blank, empty. His cheeks are tear-stained. His mouth is slightly open.
I wipe the corner of his eyes, my vision blurring with tears of my own.

I step back. My hand moves to stroke his hair. His expression doesn't change as I do. The corners of my mouth droop down, all the way down.

"Natsu..." The whispered word cuts the air. It slits my throat. His name rejects me, pushes itself out of my mouth. I walk out the room, dizzy. I slide my back against the door. And realize it at last.
I didn't fall in love with the wrong person. I deserve to be cursed with someone I can't have.