You Flaming Idiot, I Love You!

12

Natsu

These have been the longest days of my life. Even longer than the day I spent with...
I sink under the covers, close my eyes. It's hard to breathe, but at least it's warm and soft. At least I can worry less about the stench coming from the kitchen and the rain leaking through the roof. Worry less about being annoying or a burden to others. 
Yet I ache to be loved and cared for. And they do. Lucy and Happy have visited, and it was fun to distract myself from my thoughts. But the longing never leaves. 

When I happened to pass by a window on one of my walks, I had to stop. I didn't recognize myself. What was I doing, sulking about? My instinct was to fight. To have fun and not give a damn. And yet here I was, a ghost of myself. How could I have fallen prey to my fears? Sure, I loved him, but did those words mean that much?

The answer: they did. Whatever I thought, whoever I tried talking to, those words came crashing down like the sky on the day I apologized. You're the most annoying brat in the world. Nothing but a nuisance. All you do is drive me insane. I hate you. All you'll ever be is just a burden to me. 
I didn't know that words could hurt more than blows. 
I didn't know until the first day back, when all I could do was cry and lay in bed and replay the scenes of yesterday, how much he meant to me. I felt possessed, like my feelings had been set to full blast. I still do. 

The day after we got home was the first in my life that I didn't leave my house. I wondered if there was any way to get rid of myself, the very self that wallowed over him. There wasn't. 
And today, I set out on a morning walk and saw him. When I did, I fled the other way, my insides suddenly rearranged. I ran all the way back home. Now here I rest, brooding to myself again.

I'm trying to fall asleep when I hear the knocking on my door. It feels impossible to get out of bed, but somehow I manage. Even though I shouldn't be this hopeful, something inside wants it to be him. When it is, there's something in my chest that rises, twists, turns and falls all at once.

I hold in my breath. Everything inside me goes quiet. I can't imagine how I look to him; sleep-deprived and disheveled and scared out of my mind. 
"Natsu." The sound of my name in his voice pulls something out of me, a weight from my chest. I look up. He's surrounded by bright light. His lips are tight.
Before I can fall back down and let the "what ifs" fill my head: "Can I... come in?" 

My hand closes around the handle of the door. He waits, patient and quiet and nervous. 
The sight of him blurs when I step to the side. I tell myself to get it together, but I can't. I just can't.
His gaze moves past me, taking in the room. Shame burns against my face.

"Quite the scene you've got here." He takes my hand, leads me through the litter. He only lets go to start on the dishes. The sudden absence of his palm makes me itch for it again.

"I thought you'd be waiting for me." 
I step closer to him. "Why... Why would I?"
"Because only fools wait around for people like me." His eyes rest on mine. The blue in them is even bluer than the sea. The waves are small, smooth, gentle. 

"You're right." I take another step. My shoulder touches his. "I'm an idiot for letting you back in."

His scent washes over me—mint, fresh. I watch him empty the sink. Not once does he ask me for anything. 
"I bet I'm the last person you wanna see." He catches me before I can look away.
I reach up to stroke his hair, trace his cheek. "How did you know?" I watch the way this causes his throat to shift. 

He moves on to the table, and afterward the floor. I watch, and watch. There's a pounding in my ears, a dryness in my mouth. He cleans with such ease, like he was meant to pull me afloat.
Thank you, I want to say. I clam up, breathing shallowing.
No. What do I have him to thank for? It still hurts. How could he have the nerve to be here again?

These thoughts seep into my mind as we're seated by the fire. The flames crackle before us while we remain quiet, on the verge of silent. I was a fool to think I could put up a facade.
"Natsu."
His eyes see right through me. Fear rivets down my throat, into my heart. My hands grip the couch, inhaling air—
His lips press mine. Everything goes quiet. 
They say memories of your life flash by on the moment of death. But what about a kiss? 
All of the times I wanted to do it. All of the times I wanted to say the truth. Everything—everything, that led to this.

His stare has kept to the ground since pulling away. The sweat rolling down the side of his temple glimmers in the firelight. 
He opens his mouth, but before words can escape I close it. I sink into him, returning every volt of electricity he gave. His body falls beneath me, tremoring with every kiss. More, my chest sings. More.

I don't know how much time passes. But now I know I'm aware of everything. The crackling of the fire. The creaks of wind against window. The roughness of the leather. I remember that I forgot what it was like to be alive.
"Na—"
I can't wait to do this more—cut him off by leaning in.
I take his hand. Something's rising within. He has no choice but to follow me as I rush to the door, fresh air hitting our faces, taking us into its arms.
"Let's do it again." I turn to make sure he knows what I'm talking about. This sense of joy is tempting to rise from the fear I've wallowed in for the longest time. He's reached down to me, his hand outstretched right before my eyes. Do I take it?
No. I don't have to. He's already taken it for me. And I couldn't be more grateful.

I won't run this time. I won't yell at him for making advances, feel nothing but resentment at how much we've changed.
This time, I'm able to return his gaze. It takes me back to the beach—the waves, the sky, the shining sea. I'm suddenly swept with the same feeling I get every time I think of him.

"You have no clue..." He moves in front of me. The sight of the forest and the city blurs behind him as he takes my hands in his.
"No clue..." He leans down. His forehead rests against mine.
"How much I missed you."

My arms pull him to me. His fingernails bunch up the fabric of my vest. My head buries into his back. With every sob he makes, I hold him tighter.
It's then that I realize: I just want him to be okay. For us to be alright. Even if the way we are with each other is unrecognizable. Even if nothing will ever be the same.

"Can we stay like this for a while?" His voice is hoarse, muffled in my shoulder. 
"We can't."
His grip loosens. "What?"
"Joking."

We're laughing together for the first time in forever. I didn't know how much I could miss something. Everything's back to being warm and bursting with color. It's then I know, with all my heart:
This is all I want.