Nothing's Fair in Love and War

~Epilogue~

Dear Kathryn,

Starting letters like this is always difficult. Always.

But considering out relationship right now, it's harder than ever before. But that's fine. You're worth it.

I mean that, Kathryn. I know you think I don't love you, value you, or even care about you, but I'm telling you now that's not true. I love you very much. I've loved you ever since you were born, I guess I just haven't shown you that properly.

Well, one letter can't wash away a lifetime of mistakes.

But I can say sorry.

I'm going out to fight today. It's one of the big trips, the dangerous ones, where they tell you to write your last goodbyes – that's what I've done. For a moment, I couldn't be bothered. Not because I don't love you, but because I've never considered me dying. But today they said it was serious; so I wrote and wrote; and if you're reading this... well, then the worst has happened.

I've written letters like this before, at the dawning of big fights. They've never been easy. But back then I was young, and, as far as I was concerned, invincible. This time it feels different. I haven't been on any exhibition this massive before, maybe that's it. Or maybe not.

Anyway, I'm not going to leave all my troubles burdened on you. I'm writing to say sorry, sorry for being a lousy mother, for letting you down, for not understanding, for every single stupid mistake I ever made. I''m so, so sorry.

I also guess I owe you some explanations. I know you think if I love you as much as I say I do, then why did I desert you? The thing is, I've never seen it as deserting. I've always thought you were happy.

Last month was a wake-up call for me. Sixteen years late, I'll confess, but a wake-up call all the same.

I don't know if I've ever told you why I first went to war. I'm hoping maybe that'll help you understand.

When I was younger, I was the middle child. My parents always looked past me; I wasn't academic, witty or pretty. I was nothing, and it hurt so much.

That was until my brother and I joined the Army. I'd seen how my dad had loved him for it; so I copied. I followed my big brother, your uncle, to the battle. And I finally felt my parents respected me for it.

When my brother died, there was more pressure on me than ever before. I kept fighting for my brother, for my parents, until I'd convinced myself I was doing it for me. Until I convinced myself I was making the right decisions.

When your father left me, the army was the only thing I had left. I was a failure again in my parents eyes, for which reason I found it impossible to give up doing to one thing I could. I wish I'd told you all this in person, but some how it all feels like excuses.

Truth be told, I can't pinpoint why I couldn't give up the army for anything. It was just a fact. I was addicted, with no escape.

We're setting off soon, so I can't write you much more, although believe me, I would. I could waffle on for ages about every decision I've made, good and bad. I could warble on about your childhood, about how much I love you, or about how much I need you to know that.

But I can't. I promise, I will, in the future. If I get through this, I'm going to get the first plane back to you, to explain, to apologize, to let you know that you're loved.

Which you are. Although, I'll point out now, you're far from perfect. For the record, Kathryn, the world doesn't just evolve around you. Other people matter too. I've heard these words set to me before, but you need to hear them just as much. You have lovely, caring friends, and family – yes, your father and step-mother too, much as it kills me to write that. Everyone of them cares for you infinitely. And, I reckon you owe them some love back.

But I'm not here to pick at you. Take my advice, or leave it, just whatever you do, be happy. That's what I want, Kath. More than anything.

So Kathryn, my baby girl, don't weep because I'm not here. Don't scrutinize every scene between us. Don't let it haunt you.

You're young, free and beautiful. Live your life however you want to, but know this always: I love you Kathryn.

Until we meet again,

Mum x x x

A/N: Well. My first complete Wattpad novel! I can't tell you how great that feels to say. It's something I've never done, and something that feels so ridiculously wonderful too. But of course, I couldn't have done it alone! To everyone that supported me - commented, encouraged me, on Wattpad: darknessiseverything, picturesoftrickery and myjourney<3 and to my mum!

I hope so much that you enjoyed it, Lyd<3