Skips A Beat ::Wattys2016::

Chapter 30

Michael hasn't talked to me. It's been a month with no conversations, no green eyes looking at me. There's been nothing. Nothing but silence when I say his name.

Calum came over today. Somehow, he isn't fed up with me yet. I lay in my bed, not wanting to move. He said that maybe taking down all the pictures, and putting them in a box or something will help me forget how much I hurt. He said it like he honestly thinks there's even the remote possibility of me forgetting how much I hurt. I vaguely watch him take down each picture, individually placing them into a photo album for me.

So this is life. Moving on with or without you. Life doesn't stop to ask how you're feeling, or if you need a breather. It just keeps going and going, constantly following right behind time. Life keeps going because it's attached to the limitless limit of time, just like we are.

Isn't it weird how time doesn't exist, yet we run out of it? There was no "time" before we decided to make it happen. Before "time", we never ran out of it. There were simply days and nights until someone decided to put a limit on them. It's also crazy to me how often we run out of such a plentiful thing. How is it that we can run out of something that's only a figment of our imagination?

And if time is just a figment of the imagination, maybe all of this is just another figment of the imagination. Maybe life isn't really happening. Maybe I never truly knew Michael, though I may think I did. Maybe love and fear and anger and pain are all just made up things inside your brain as a way to deal with the nothing that's really there. Perhaps my brain is making up a world in which I feel complete pain, just so that there's something more than darkness.

In that case, I'm not watching Calum take down pictures of my lost love. I'm not in mourning. I'm becoming self aware. What happens when you become self aware? You start thinking. There's ways to end the torture we put ourself through in this giant hologram. I bite my lip, watching Calum put the last picture into it's place. He smiles over at me.

"We should go out tonight." He says cautiously. I stare at him. I really don't want to do anything. Ever again. But instead of saying that, I say...

"Fine." I sit up. If this isn't real, than I can go out. Right? Right. I swing my legs over the side of the bed. My knees hurt from not moving in a while. Calum looks surprised that I'm willing to go. His mouth hangs open as he stares at me. I don't smile, but force myself up. I need to break out of this hologram. I shuffle stiffly to my bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror.

It's been six months since Michael died, and I look like total shit. There are bags under my eyes. Which, speaking of my eyes, aren't as bright blue as they used to be. They're darker. My cheeks are sunken, and I'm a nasty grey colour. My hair is greasy, because I haven't even bothered to get out of bed all week. My stomach growls, but I ignore it. I shake my head. I should probably shower, but I don't feel like it. I brush my teeth, slapping on some deodorant and calling myself ready.

"At least wear some real clothes." Calum says, riffling through my closet. I look down at my black shirt and sweatpants. Maybe he's right. Calum hands me a grey flannel and a pair of skinny jeans. "If you aren't going to shower, at least look a little bit sexy grunge." Calum smiles at me. I nod, changing quickly. Calum talks my ear off while he drives, obviously excited about me going out with him tonight. I tune him out, staring out the window at the trees passing us as we head to the city.

I'm breaking out of this fucking hologram.

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I take another shot. I can't remember the last time I was this hammered. The room sways as I look across it. A head of red hair catches my eye. It's bright. My heart stutters. Mikey's back! He came back! I knew he would. I hop down from my stool, staggering over to him.

"Michael?" I shout over the club music, grabbing his arm. He turns around and smiles at me. My eyes prick with tears. It's not Mikey. My kitten really left me.

"No, it's Danny." He says. I shake my head, tears rolling down my cheeks. My fake, drunken happiness is washed away with a wave of pure pain. It's not Mikey. I look up, and the guy is gone. So much for breaking out of the hologram.

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Calum drags me out of the club, driving me home. I sob against the window, my drunken stupor ending in another awful depression. Calum reaches over, rubbing my back. He tries to calm me, but I can't even understand his words. My mind fogs up, leaving me dizzy. Unstable. Sooner than I thought, I'm being lifted from the passenger seat of the car and carried inside. I should have never went out. I should have never tried to move on.

I thought that guy was Michael. It's been so long since he's talked to me. I can't remember his voice. His laugh. He feels so foreign. I just want to see him again, I just want to hold him again. I want to make him laugh. Calum lays down beside me, probably equally drunk. I turn my head to look at my bedside table.

When I was 16, my dad put a handgun in there so that I could protect my mom when he was at work. My mind clicks two things together. I think I found my way out of the hologram. Out of my fake reality. I found my way to Michael. I stand up quickly, ignoring the rush in my head, and open the drawer. I take the sleek black gun out, looking at it.

"I want to see him." I say slowly. Calum opens his eyes, they go wide as he sees the gun in my hand.

"You will, Luke. Just not today." He says sitting up. He wants me to rationalize, but in my head, this makes perfect sense. Why wait, when I can see him now? Why fight this, when I can give in? I really found my way out of the hologram! This is a split second decision, and it feels so...so... right. It feels so right. I bring the gun up to my temple. "Luke, please. Set it down." His voice breaks. My temple? That's dumb. I lower it, and I see the relief flood Calum's face. That is, until I stick it in my mouth.

"No!"

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THE END