The Blue Hours Passed | Beomjun

Chapter 6: It's Familiar - Beomgyu

Beomgyu's favorite dream shifts.

He goes from standing in the spring field to a dark room, with no windows or lights. He fumbles around, trying to find the door. But his hands run on a sleek surface all the way around.

He hears Yeonjun's voice in the hall. "Beomgyu... I'm not going to see him anymore. But thank you so much, Mr. and Mrs. Choi. Tell him that I enjoyed the years we had together.

"Yeonjun... please come back." He repeats the mantra, hoping it would set the room alight and allow him to exit out into the hall.

Yeonjun's steps fade away, and so does his parents' conversation.

Beomgyu wakes. It takes him a while to reorient himself. He never knew a nightmare could be so simple yet vicious at the same time. It played on his deepest fear, losing his friend. And it seemed that he was still as afraid of the dark as he was at nine.

Yeonjun is holding his hand. The older boy is passed out, half of his body resting on Beomgyu's bed, the other half slumped against the floor.

"Hyung?" Beomgyu says, his throat dry from all the calling out in his sleep.

Yeonjun stirs, opening his eyes. He lets go, and Beomgyu feels an emptiness in its place, like they were always meant to hold each other's hands. "Beomgyu. Do you feel better?"

Beomgyu places a hand against his stomach. The pill helped with the anxiety. But he still feels like he's being gradually suffocated—hands constricting both his throat and his heart. "I don't know what's wrong," Beomgyu says. "Everything was fine until a month ago. I don't know why suddenly I feel that life isn't worth living."

"Did anything trigger it?" Yeonjun asks, sitting on the side of the bed. Beomgyu shuffles to the other end, wondering if the other boy is thinking of the same time when they were twelve, holding each other instead of opting for the heated blanket.

"No..." Beomgyu's answer is instant, but once it comes out he doesn't exactly know whether he's lying. Yes, his life at home was fine. He's popular in school, and there was no real event to trigger what caused the sudden depressive episode.

But he has been hiding something. Something that has been eating him up ever since he turned thirteen.

"Can I tell you something?" Beomgyu says. The nervousness is so unexpected, knocking him in the chest like a hammer. He shouldn't be nervous around Yeonjun. He could tell his best friend anything. They've always been each other's closest confidants.

"Anything," Yeonjun says, as expected.

"I think I'm... gay," Beomgyu says. He spits the word out, knowing that their relationship would forever shift into a new era—a before and after.

Yeonjun's eyes widen. "What?"

Beomgyu's ears are burning, and his mouth upturns into a snarl. "Do I have to repeat myself?"

Yeonjun smiles at the familiar sassiness. "Beomgyu, I'm gay too. I knew ever since I was... thirteen?"

"You've been hiding it from me?" Beomgyu practically shrieks. He doesn't know why he's so upset. After all, he's been hiding the same secret.

"I thought it would change our relationship," Yeonjun says. "Make things more complicated. Hey, we really are meant to be best friends."

Best friends. The words should encourage him, but Beomgyu doesn't know how to voice out that he wants, longs for something more. He shakes his head. He shouldn't think of that now.

"So you think it triggered your depression?" Yeonjun says. "Being gay?"

Beomgyu squirms. The word still makes him uncomfortable. Out of the two of them, he's always been the insecure one. "I...." Beomgyu reflects on the past year—hiding from his parents, hiding from Yeonjun. Not to mention his other friends. "I think it's part of it. But it feels like something snapped in my brain. Suddenly, I keep having thoughts about not wanting to live."

Yeonjun's face scrunches in the familiar way it does when he's deep in thought. Beomgyu finds it adorable.

"Could be mostly chemical," Yeonjun says, in the measured way that Beomgyu has always admired. Yeonjun is the mature one, the rational one. The big brother, even if it's only by a few months. "If your brain changes so suddenly, it could affect your mood."

"So what now?" Beomgyu asks, panic setting in. He can't control his thoughts, swirling like a dust tornado. He doesn't know what to do with his heart that threatens to come out of his throat. He's never felt so restless, so completely at loss with the prospect of living. He wants to leave, if only to escape this utterly horrid feeling.

"The doctors will help you," Yeojun says. "They'll get you stabilized. It's what they're good at. You'll be as good as new in no time."

"I'll be on medication?" Beomgyu asks, remembering the pill that calmed him down—it worked, but his brain is still foggy from it. "I don't want to be on medication."

A little annoyance twitches in Yeonjun's brow. "It's what you need. You need to heal."

"You're my healing." Beomgyu doesn't realize what he's saying before it rolls off his tongue. He's always been bad at that—controlling what he says. Yeonjun often comments on his big mouth, his tendency to out-talk others.

"What?" Yeonjun says, eyebrows bunching closer together.

"It's what your mom used to call you," Beomgyu says, trying to save himself from the hole he's digging.

"Yes, but you never call me that." Yeonjun shifts, then stands up. "Beomgyu... I'm sorry."

For a second, Beomgyu thinks he's going to get rejected. Yeonjun knows. And he doesn't feel the same way back. "What?"

"I'm sorry for drifting away from you," Yeonjun says. "Ever since we turned teenagers. We've become less close each year."

So Beomgyu wasn't alone on this. The relief comes along with the ever present longing. "We can fix that," he says. "Thank you for holding my hand. While I was sleeping."

Yeonjun opens his mouth, as if wanting to say something.

I like you.

Beomgyu can hear the words. What other person would hold his hand throughout the whole night, only to make sure he's comforted during his sleep? Yeonjun must like him. He wasn't being delusional for looking at their sleepovers with a romantic lens.

"I—" Beomgyu starts to say it, before he loses the nerve.

"It's time for breakfast," Yeonjun interrupts. "You missed dinner. You need to get some food in you. Don't you see how skinny you are?"

Beomgyu, at a loss, follows Yeonjun out as a nurse unlocks their door in time.

Thanks for reading as always! How are you liking the story so far?