Julian

II. February, Ch. 21

     Shelley stared at herself in the girl's bathroom mirror. Her freckled face, her long, blonde hair, her flat chest. She needed an upgrade, something to impress Douglas again.

     Did he still fancy her? Maybe it was her who appeared to have lost interest, making Douglas stray. What did she have to do to regain his attention?

     Shelley gathered her books and walked out of the bathroom. Part of her wanted to run into Douglas, to catch a glimpse of the smile that made her melt. Part of her didn't want to see him and risk that he'd behave just as cold as before.

     But everything was set up in her favor. Not only was it Valentine's day, it was the weekend.

     Shelley could almost taste how her next interaction with Douglas would play out. He'd apologize for his distant behavior, ask her to have dinner with him, he'd meet her father, and she'd finally experience her first kiss.

     Classes were over. The halls were clearing out. She knew exactly where Douglas was. As she walked towards his classroom, she wondered if this was a good idea. Wouldn't putting him on the spot and demanding answers make Douglas stray further?

     Perhaps, but she was tired of waiting, tired of going about her day in suspense. It'd be like ripping off a Band-Aid. She'd ask him if he still liked her and she would deal with the response as it came.

     With every step she took, her heart rate got higher. Please, God. If you make him like me, I'll be the best girlfriend he could ask for.

     She turned the corner to the hallway where his Algebra class was exiting, about ten yards away, far enough to be invisible but close enough for her glasses to work.

     Shelley counted each student as they came out of the classroom. One. Two. Four.

     The last two were a couple, holding hands. She felt a sting of envy at the sight. Anxiety creeped in as she picked up signs of familiarity.

     When the young lovers stepped closer to the sunlight, Shelley's memories of Douglas came crashing down.

     She didn't recognize Douglas at first, or maybe she didn't want to, but it was him, wrapping his arms around a tall brunette, burying his face in her neck and making her laugh.

     Shelley's skin lost all feeling. There was a tightness taking over her chest, as if she were being pressed between two boards until she burst like a grape. Had she known her mother before she died, she would have imagined this is what grief felt like.

     Douglas and the girl were unaware of their surroundings, too preoccupied with one another's lips.

     The pressure turned to burning. It was a desperate, angry sensation that started in her heart and rose to her throat. It was unlike any pain she ever felt before.

     In shock, she dropped her books, turned the other way, and ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction. She wanted to run at top speed, as far as her legs could take her. To another school. Another country. Another dimension, maybe.

     She zoomed out the door, across the courtyard, all the way to the basketball courts on the opposite end of the school. Several students and teachers starred, but she didn't care.

     She ran until she got to the fence that separated Julian students from freedom, a quarter mile from where she started, where she witnessed a sight she didn't want to imagine.

     Her knees buckled and she sat on the wet grass, breathing violently. Her shins and lungs stung, but it was a good pain. Anything that distract her from the heartache was good.

     After a few seconds the good pain subsided and she once again felt squished between two boards.

     Shelley grabbed at her heart, trying to massage the pain away, but it was no use. This wasn't a sprain. This was dementia.

     The demons found the key under the welcome mat, walked into her mind, and made themselves at home.

     You weren't tall enough.

     If only you hadn't been such a tease.

     Serves you right for being an overachiever.

     The edges of her eyelids slipped the tears they tried to balance. Her glasses became foggy, like the windows of her dad's station wagon when they drove in the rain.

     Shelley sobbed slowly, then loud and hard. She grabbed her knees and laid on her side, her back to the fence.

     I want my daddy.

     She shut her eyes and wailed, begging to the only God she knew to save her.