No Ordinary Love - G.Callen NCIS L.A

Chapter 46

"... because things are not always black and white!"

Deja glanced between the two men. It was passed midnight and Grisha wasn't coping well. He was running out of patience; not sure what he wanted to hear, but not happy with the answers Garrison was giving him, either.

Dee suspected that he wanted things to be cut and dry; to have clarity. He could handle clarity. But when it came to things from his past, the answers involved emotions, and Dee wondered if he was as ready for the answers as he had thought he was. She put a calming hand on his arm. "Why don't we call it a night? It's been a long day for you both, and things will look different when we've all had some time to process all that's been said tonight."

Grisha swallowed hard, his eyes blazing, his jawline set. For a moment, Dee feared he wasn't going to give in, but he nodded, dropping back into his chair. "Yeah, let's do that."

Silently relieved he'd given in, Dee turned to Garrison. "You must be exhausted, too." Her eyes travelled around the living room. "No luggage?"

"No luggage."

"We'll find you something."

Garrison, rising from his chair, looked at his son. When Grisha refused to make eye contact, he wordlessly followed Deja to the stairs. "I cannot give him what he wants to hear."

"I don't think he knows what he wants to hear." Dee opened the door to the guestroom. "I may not be a spy, but I understand that nothing is as black and white as we may want things to be. Maybe he wasn't as ready for answers as he thought he was."

Garrison huffed. "Last year he told me the reasons mattered."

Dee opened a closet to get sheets. "Well, yes, but wanting answers and getting answers are two different things, Garrison."

He stood in the doorway, watching her make the bed. "You seem to know him well."

"I do."

"Do you think he blames me for not coming for him? For not taking him back to Russia with me?"

Dee looked back over her shoulder. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. "It's probably not Russia he missed. I think he blames you for not giving him anything to go by, any sign that you were still alive, when you have known where he's been and what's he done all this time. To be honest, I'd feel the same way if it were me."

"I was only trying to protect him."

"Mmm... I know that." Deja sighed, planting her hands on her hips. "It doesn't feel that way to him, though. To him, you've been absent. To him, you've let him be dragged around from foster home to foster home, without even knowing his name. And there were thirty-seven foster homes, Garrison. Thirty-seven. I'm not saying that I don't understand your reasons, but no kid should have to suffer through that. A lot of the issues he still deals with, are because of that. Again, I'm not saying that I don't understand why you've done things, but if I were in his shoes, I'd be dishing out blame, too."

"But he turned out fine. He's done his country proud. He's done me proud."

Dee nodded, thoughtfully. "But at what cost? At the cost of chasing a ghost his whole life? At the cost of not knowing exactly where he belongs? Who his family is? I've known my family my entire life, and even though I sometimes hate them for getting under my skin, I do have people that will be there when things get tough. Grisha hasn't had that. He didn't even know about Amy until a few years ago. He's never had a family. Never had anyone to catch him or to feel safe with. He has that now, but he's fought tooth and nail to get it."

"I don't believe in apologies," Garrison said, but Dee could see that he was starting to understand her point.

"You don't have to apologize to him. Things are what they are. But yes, he is going to have trouble to hear your answers. Because his truth may always be that you didn't want him."

Garrison clenched his jaw. "I've always wanted him. I always wanted all of them."

"I know." Dee took a breath. "And I'm not saying that you didn't. But his entire life up until a certain point has always been about finding who he is. He's had bits and pieces but never the whole picture. And now that he has the whole picture, it will take time to process that." She put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, I'm saying this so you might understand him better."

Thoughtfully, Garrison nodded and swallowed hard. "Thank you."

"Let's find you some clothes and a toothbrush, okay?"

Ten minutes later, she was back downstairs in the living room. He was sitting with his back to her, the contents of the tea box strewn around the coffee table. He didn't look up when she threw her leg over the back of the couch and settled next to him. She reached over and wiped a tear of his cheek. "You okay?"

Nodding, he lifted his eyes to her. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I wouldn't let it go."

"That's all right."

"Is it?"

"It is," she assured him. "After all these years your puzzle is finally complete. Lots of emotions. I get it."

Again, he nodded, looking away. "It will take a while to get used to a complete puzzle."

"And that's fine, babe." She rubbed circles on his back. "Nobody expects you to get used to your father being here instantly, let alone that you're expected to have some sort of relationship with him out of nowhere. These things take time and you should take all the time you need."

The muscles in his back move beneath her hand as he rearranged some photos. "None of it is what I anticipated, or assumed it would be. I don't know why I'm angry that it isn't."

"Because you hoped. And because the reasons you came up with in your head are actually ones you would understand, too. But at some point you are going to have to accept that his life, and his truth, are so very different from yours. And that, too, takes time."

"I've been waiting all my life," he softly said. "And now that I have all the answers I always longed for, I don't know how to handle it."

She shrugged and leaned her head against his shoulder. "We'll figure it out. We always do. We'll figure out how to handle your father being here, and we'll figure out how you are going to deal with him."

Wrapping her arm around her, he pressed a kiss to her temple. "What did I ever do without you?"

"That's the second time you've asked me tonight," she grinned, "and I still don't know the answer."

Silence filled the room and Deja could hear him think. Knowing he needed a moment to gather this thoughts, she didn't say anything. At last, he opened his mouth. "Do you think she's proud of me?"

"Your mom?"

"Mmm..."

"Of course she is. Why wouldn't she be?"

Grisha clenched his jaw. "I don't know. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of... I'm not sure there's a lot to be proud of."

Dee pursed her lips. "Well, I do. And I'm sure that your mother feels the same, wherever she is."

"Thank you." His arm tightened around her. "For listening, and for being here. For not giving up on me."

"Never." She nuzzled his neck. "Are you ready for bed? It's going to be an early day tomorrow."

"Yeah." He started to gather the pictures back together. Maybe sleep wouldn't come easy tonight, if at all, but at least he and his father had made a start. And that was something to be thankful for.